Till DEATH Do Us Part

by bye2mrwrong

Yesterday I could not sleep. No matter which way I turned, or how my body slithered; it seemed that nothing could help this brain from switching off. Thoughts ran though my mind. Thoughts of loves lost, pain, hurt, revenge, betrayal, deceit, and lies. As I envisioned myself as the victim once more, tears came pouring down. Fragile and weak I felt myself crumble, as I hit the ground. How had I become so weak? How had I allowed this to happen to me? Who was in control? Is this the hand of God playing a game with me? Testing me? How much more grief can I take? How many more mistakes will I make? Is he laughing from above?

But the thought that scared me the most was the thought I had of death. At such a moment of vulnerability I welcomed death with open arms. If this was what life had to offer me, was there reason to go on? I’d be relieved to leave the pain of this world. Finally let it all go, leave it all behind.

I could play dumb, but I know exactly why these thoughts were going through my mind. I had just come back from meeting my husband, with both his lawyer and mine. We had tried to negotiate, to settle things between us, so that maybe if we were fortunate and smart we wouldn’t have to drag this thing out any longer or go to court allowing someone else to judge our lives.

Result: Unsuccessful!

And so I came home in tears… trying to figure out what that meant for the course of my life. How much longer would I have to endure this hell?  Should I just settle and end this misery? Emotional health vs. financial stability, that’s the real question right now. Seems like there’s no right answer to the question called life and the only way out is OUT.

I had been fighting this for so long, not wanting to leave empty-handed. I wanted to leave with my head held high. Initially my revengeful self wanted for him to have to sell the house. That way both of us would have to start from nothing. I already got screwed once. Vengeance and anger motivated me to stick it out. But after nine month that flame in me had long died down.

I could ask 1000 people what to do. But each answer would be different. Let it go. Fight! In the end it’s my choice to make. And what does it matter to them? Why would they care? It’s not really their problem. Today is a Friday. I haven’t had a single phone call. No they really don’t care. Would anyone know if I was gone? Would they miss me? What if tomorrow unexpectedly I died? How long would it take till someone noticed?

In the deep dark catacombs of my mind, it’s not death I’m worried about. It’s the fact that if I died I would legally still be married to my husband. Would that mean that he would get everything that was mine? Would that mean he won? Only for that reason I’m not ready to die. Could I make you my witnesses? Would you testify that I wanted my fair share, that I wanted him to have nothing of mine?

15 Comments to “Till DEATH Do Us Part”

  1. Been there done that. Went to one attorney who wanted a $3,000 retainer, I couldn’t afford that. We ended up going to a mediator and each paying about $600 for him to review the agreement the ex wrote. I wanted him out of my life THAT BAD. Going through the 1-year separation that was required before divorce in my state, I also feared dying and him getting it all. I changed my will and life insurance beneficiaries even tho the separation agreement said that neither of us could do that. I figured he could fight it out with our kids if I died.
    That was one of the things that kept me alive until the divorce was final – not wanting him to profit from it.
    I don’t know what my excuse for living is now…

    • Dear Decide… Thanks for your comment and for reading my blog. I’m sorry for your loss as well. Going through divorce is definitely not fun, and a year of limbo is even less. I feel your pain. Reading your blog, I would say you’ve got kids and grand-kids to live for. Don’t ever forget that!!

  2. I feel your pain but he is not worth it. Furthermore, STUFF is not worth it. I had an ex girlfriend steal all of my stuff. I went to the police to report it and they said that there was nothing that they could do, that it was a civil court matter not a criminal matter. She took all of my physical belongings including my truck and tools, ALL OF MY STUFF.

    I was furious but then I realized that it was just stuff. I had my health and I could get more stuff. You are a beatiful, intelligent vibrant woman who is very desirable. There are a lot of broken people in the world who want to spread their misery on you. You don’t have to let them.

    You don’t have to allow them to hurt you either. It is your choice. You have to stop looking at yourself through his eyes and look at yourself through your own eyes and realize that you are good and desirable and that another BETTER man will realize it. Hell I realize it, but I am too old. It is a bitch being 61 when in my mind I am only 35.

    Don’t do it. Things will get better but if you did, I would miss reading your posts and would kick myself for not trying harder somehow to keep you from doing it.

    What I suggest is that you go to a psychiatrist and get on mood elevators or anti-depressants. It sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression. This is not your fault, it is a chemical imbalance in your brain usually caused by severe emotional pain. The pills can and will make you feel better I PROMISE. There are no bad side effects and you only need to be on them for a time to get back your old self.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • Dear John,
      I don’t think I’m suffering from clinical depression. I think I am just depressed and alone. While I have my parent worrying for me everyday they are not here to hug me or hold me and tell me its alright. So that’s hard. I don’t plan on doing anything to myself, I was more thinking what would happen if I had an accident tomorrow. My mood obviously goes up and down. It’s not fun when your life comes down to a negotiation game. But its also not fair if after waiting and fighting for so long, I would settle for less than I deserve. He forgets how much I put into this relationship, and how devastating it is to lose everything I had worked 10 year to build.
      You’re right I have to stop seeing myself from his eyes. But that’s also hard. If I’m such a catch – why doesn’t anyone notice? Where is my grand gesture? Why do I keep falling for the wrong guys?

  3. By the way, the way that I got past my pain was to bring a tv in the bedroom and watch it until I went to sleep. It distracted my mind because I let it and it allowed me to turn off my brain and let the fatigue take over.

    Please don’t do it.


  4. Because you are in a pattern. You need to change your pattern and value yourself and make the guy value you. A lot of guys will respond to your lead. You have to set boundaries that are non negotiable. You have to realize that life is not fair and you got a really raw deal and you did not deserve it. He is the asshole, you don’t have to let him hurt you anymore. How about toughening up and becoming a real bitch around him and show him that he can’t hurt you anymore.

    You have your youth, thirty is just broke in good and still VERY DESIRABLE. You are a mature woman and guys want a mature woman who is not silly and into little girl games like girls in their 20’s.

    I would even help you to find a new guy and rate him for you. I know what it feels like to be lonely and hurting and not having anyone there for you to hold you and cuddle you and tell you that it is going to be okay.


  5. Consider yourself hugged by me. I would do it in person if you were here.

  6. I also have waterproof shoulders for you to cry on

  7. I’ve just read your post. I was doing exactly the same last night. All the “what if I wasn’t here any more would anyone really care” stuff!

    The answer is something I read years ago “If you go now you won’t know what the real ending is” – ie the story that still awaits you, me and all the others going through this horrendous process. And actually that is rather intriguing!!

    I have managed to come through without any medication and that’s the way I intend it to stay – never mind how hard!

    Keep blogging. I am routing for you and I care

    • Hi Caroline,
      Its funny this whole dance two steps forward then two steps back…sometimes I feel like I am sooo over it, over him, on my way up. And then there are days where I am completely lost, and upset, and lonely and alone, and miserable, and I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I feel like how ever I look at this I lost!
      I still have hope in me. I guess that’s what’s keeping me going. Not revenge or anger anymore. Just hope that there is still something good out there waiting. Something so much better than what I had before that it is worth going through all this. Like you I have a “dream future” I am hoping for, filled with laughter and romance, flowers, passion and loads of hugs.
      I plan on blogging. Writing has become a new passion of mine 🙂
      Thanks for the support.

  8. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what state you’re in but here in NC we have a 50-50 law. Seems to me whether he sells the house or not, he will have to give you enough money to cover half the equity you have in it. I won’t try to tell you what you should do because I don’t know. Every case is different. I would like you to know that i understand how you feel. And I know how much you want it all finished.

    Hang on.

    • Hi Pat. Yeah we have the 50-50 rule here too. But it doesn’t quite work if no one is playing fair, or with open cards. I really do want this finished by now. Its taken way too long contrary to what the lawyers first thought. Seems me and my husband are both tough and stubborn. I really just want to move on. For now I am hanging on. Thanks.

  9. I can’t speak to divorce proceedings because I haven’t been there, but I wanted to comment just to say that the two steps forward two steps back pattern is totally normal. I had the worst breakup of my life (so far) last year, and somedays I felt good and then next I would be sobbing with my cat in my arms again. I can’t really believe I cried so much over someone who valued me so little, but you live and learn. I was letting go of the image I had of him and our relationship. So the best medicine is to love yourself and go hang out with people. Don’t wait for them to come to you. go out and do stuff. Eventually one day you will wake up and not even give him a thought. I know it’s hard to imagine. I went salsa dancing every weekend and that was medicine for me. Then I met someone else at a church event, and we have been inseparable ever since. Go through the motions and your motives will follow eventually.

    • I guess that is just life. Some days I’m moving on, happy and content. Other days my memories flood me and i begin to wallow in the sadness. But its OK. Eventually time will heal all wounds.

      Thanks Lindsey for your support. Truly appreciated!

  10. Hey Lindsey,
    Absolutely great advice.
    John Wilder

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