September 19, 2011
My birthday turned out fine. Yes I spent the first few hours of it in victim mode, depressed, sad and lonely. I didn’t weep quietly or wipe away a tear or two; no I cried and cried, loud and messy till there was no more tears left to cry. I wallowed in misery and self-pity, walking around sorry for myself, refusing to be happy for being alive.
But my day quickly turned around and by noon there were barely any tears left. Logic had set in. Realizing how much love the universe was sending my way I wiped my nose, dried my eyes and turned my upset face into a smile. Since midnight I had received countless messages on my Facebook, numerous phone calls on Skype, some text messages on my mobile, and a few notes on my blog, all filled with many wishes from friends and family both here and abroad. And then before going out to dinner with my family, when I least expected it I received the best gift of all. A bouquet of roses, red and white, beautifully tied in a golden bow. The bouquet was from a man, but not just any man. It was from the man I least expected it from, yet most cherished. And that simple gesture from none other than my “baby” brother meant the world to me.
So yes, maybe like lesson #45 says: the best is yet to come. Maybe when one door closes it’s not a window that opens up, but rather another door, a better one. It’s just that so often we look so long and so regretfully at the door that closed that we do not see the one that opened up for us. And yes maybe it is true that in the midst of difficulty lies opportunity. The pessimist in me sees the difficulty in every opportunity; but it is the optimist in me that still searches with hope for that opportunity that lies in every difficulty. So maybe life isn’t tied with a bow (like my bouquet of flowers), but it’s still a gift. And that’s lesson #50, the last lesson of the book “Life’s Little Detours” by Regina Brett. So have I discovered all the secrets to finding and holding on to happiness? I’m not sure. But I know I will get there, because the best is yet to come.
August 28, 2011
“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”
The world doesn’t know that I’ve just gone through a major disaster. That my life has completely changed, and turned upside down. That I married only to find myself divorced; that I gave my heart, only to have it shattered. That I left full of hopes, only to come back empty-handed. While my light may have been momentarily switched off, and I may be sitting in the darkness waiting for the dimmest of light to slowly reappear, the world continues to spin. The sun continues to shine, the flowers continue to grow, the leaves fall, and the wind gently whispers “Maybe it’s time to come out of your shell. Hiding away won’t make anything better.”
Being cheerless and gloomy, pessimistic and skeptic, distrustful and closed; shelters me in the most protective way possible. But it also hides me from the beauty that is out there. The world is full of surprises, grand and beautiful. Yesterday may not have been so good, but tomorrow is a new day that brings with it a glimmer of hope. Who knows what miracles are out there waiting to be discovered, what the stars have in store for me if I just believe. If I just get out there, keep riding the storm, and keep moving forward.
So while I’ve ruled out the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and maybe even God. I haven’t ruled out wishing. I wish on stars. I wish on eyelashes. I wish on a penny as I throw it into a water fountain, I wish when I pluck a dandelion from the grass and blow its seeds into the wind. I’m wishing right now as I write this blog. Cause once in a blue moon miracles still do happen to those of us who are lucky enough. They happen without warning, when we least expect it, but desire it the most.
What miracle are you wishing for?
August 13, 2011
I was never a pessimist. Nor was I ever distrusting. I always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. While I may at times be a bit shallow, I try my best never to judge a book by its cover. I lived my life by a simple motto: Innocent till proven guilty; never guilty till you prove yourself otherwise. I gave second chances. Hell some people were even lucky enough to get thirds.
But professedly this last year has changed me. Jaded, I am no longer as naïve as I was. I no longer see only the good in people, but immediately search for their hidden agendas. I became a bit of a cynic. Maybe I’m just playing devil’s advocate with people. Trying to challenge their beliefs in hopes that they will challenge mine. Secretly hoping that they might convert me back, and restore my innocence.
Last Friday I met Mr. Optimistic. This is the guy that walks around with a smile on his face, he even dances that way. Full of life, full of energy, full of love. He is the type that wakes up in the morning and thanks life for life. Though he’s not gay I have a feeling he walks around seeing life in shades of pink. He views the cup half full. He loves life and sees only the good in it. His motto: “Always look on the bright side of life.”
While chatting away, he remarked that I was being pessimistic. I snickered at the remark and pushed it away, ignoring it. Within a few minutes he again mentioned that I was being negative. And again I laughed it off. But once the chat was over I thought to myself how right he was. Immediately defending myself I thought, well of-course I’m pessimistic. If he’d had been through what I had, then maybe he would be just as glum. But as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I knew I was wrong. I have no idea what his life is like, what he’d been through. What deep dark secrets have affected his past, his present, his life. We all have a history, we all have baggage. But he made a conscious choice to view life in a positive way, no matter what it threw at him.
The last thing he said to me before I went my own way was: “You know there’s a reason we crossed paths. There’s a role we have yet to play in each other’s lives. It is not a coincidence that the optimist meets his opponent.” Being the skeptic that I have become, I saw it as his way of flirting with me, maybe his wish to fulfill a longer role in my life. But if I take away the fact that he is a man and may have another incentive, if I take away my skepticism and distrust; his words may have some truth in it. Maybe if I start letting people back in, I might find they’re not so bad. If I stop being paranoid I might start trusting again. And if I stop looking for the negative, I might find the positive.
August 9, 2011
In life we constantly need credentials to show who we are, what we’ve done, and what our potential is. Diplomas, certificates, references and degrees are documents that guide us through life.
IF a swimming diploma shows that if shoved into a pool of water I will not drown; a high school certificate proves that if required I can sit on my ass for hours, read boring material, and memorize it until I’m blue in the face; a university degree demonstrates that I am a critical thinker, I can and do use my brain once in a while; a driver’s license attests that I am capable of driving from A to B without killing all obstacles in my way; a marriage certificate validates that I am a serious and committed adult. What does a divorce certificate prove?
Today it arrived. My official divorce documentation. Ahhh another opportunity to analyze, re-analyze and over-analyze what went wrong and when, who was to blame and why. 10 years of partnership terminated, approved and boldly stamped in red. It feels like yet another punch in the stomach, another slap in the face. This crappy piece of paper is proof of my failure. Proof that some things weren’t meant to last. That some certificates are crap; they can be given one day and taken away the next.
Isn’t that the joke of life? God gives it, only to take it away. Let’s not forget, birth and death certificates are proof of that. I guess credentials don’t really mean much then, do they? My diploma may show that I graduated the theories I learned, but it doesn’t prove I will be good in practice. My driver’s license shows I can drive, but doesn’t assure that I will do it sober. My marriage certificate proved I wanted to be in a relationship, but it didn’t forecast for how long.
P.s. Sorry for being in such a negative mood today. Maybe I should be grateful. Grateful for life while there’s still proof that I am living.