It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

by bye2mrwrong

You would cry too if it happened to you. Yes it’s my birthday and I am officially old. I know I said that last year and the year before that too. But at least back then my life seemed to be on track. I had a great job, a wonderful husband, and I was already entertaining the thought of having kids. Now it’s all just fallen to pieces. And I can’t seem to get them back into place. No amount of glue seems to be able to place those pieces where they belong and keep them together. So in the deep of the night, when I can’t fall asleep, and my thoughts haunt me, I secretly fall apart.

I HATE him. I really do. For making me vulnerable. For making me endure so much pain. For hurting me like I never knew someone could hurt. For making false promises. For feeding me lies. For wasting my time. For taking the best years of my life. For throwing them away. For making me love him, but not loving me enough.  For wanting to stay friends now that we are divorced. For asking about me and showing interest. For knowing how to manipulate me. For the greatest mind f#uck of all times. For making me feel guilty, even now. For making me feel like a victim. For taking me away from my comfort zone. For making me have to start a brand new life. For making me doubt myself. For making me so insecure. For loving her. For making me feel so unloved. For making me feel unworthy. For making me feel I wasn’t enough. For making me feel unsexy. For making me feel I will never get what I want in love, in life. For making me lose faith yet still have hope. For making me a skeptic, yet not enough to protect my heart. For making me feel I should just settle for Mr. Right now, rather than Mr. Right. For making me crave the touch of a man. For making me miss being hugged. For making me feel miserable and lonely. For the depression that attacks me especially at night. For not loving me unconditionally until death do us part. For creeping into my thoughts and somehow controlling them. For breaking me, and shattering my heart. For not being the one.

I hate him for doing this to me. Or am I doing this to myself? Maybe I hate me.

8 Comments to “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”

  1. Okay here are some suggestions:

    Put your pic on your blog. You never know when Mr Right will see it and think that you are so cute
    and desirable. We have no way of knowing with the cartoon character that you have posted.

    Quit seeing yourself through his eyes. He is broken. I learned a long time ago to stop that. My parents
    saw me as worthless and had me convinced that I would never amount to anything. Fortunately I came to
    my senses and rejected their view of me. You have to see yourself for all your virtues. Stop this negative self talk and learn to love yourself. Once you see yourself as lovable, then you can project that image to the men of the world. And then you can get Mr Right and all that you desire.

    Blessings on you and yours

  2. Wow! You covered it all. I have felt (and occasionally still do feel) everything that you listed. The thing that keeps me from feeling that way the vast majority of the time is that it gives him too much power over my life. It is simply no longer acceptable for him to control anything about me or my life. I refuse to give him that. He isn’t worth it. No one is.

    I wish I could give you a hug. I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad but tears are cleansing. You ARE getting well.

  3. Yes you’ve covered the list – in its entirety and like you I can run that list in the middle of the night – and do. And I know it’s useless trying to focus on the future when I hit one of the lows as it doesn’t seem possible. All I know is the crashes are getting less frequent and then when I come through a crash I can now focus on my future in a positive way. Reminding myself of my values helps a great deal

    And BTW I like you blog under the safety net of being anonymous for a reason – it gives me the freedom to say exactly what I want to say. Adding your photo could change that – and not for the better.

    Happy birthday and lots of hugs

  4. It is okay to feel sad and unlovable sometimes…birthdays, anniversaries and holidays bring out what we miss more than other days it seems. You are normal to feel the way you do at this point. We know you are on the right track because you have many days that are more positive, from what you post on your blog, so you are going in the right direction. Trust me, this year will end and you will be glad it will never be 2011 again. I feel that way about 2006-2007. I know I may have some bad years ahead, but they will pass and better years will come again. Hang in there…maybe 2012 will be a little brighter for you. Happy Birthday, for what is worth, there are people out there sending good vibes your way!

  5. I have to disagree with Caroline respectfully. I say jump in with both feet and put your photo up there. There are a lot of men who read blogs and you never know when Mr Right will see your pic and become entranced and march in on his white horse and sweep you off your feet.
    Blessings on you and yours

  6. Firstly happy birthday! Secondly, as Pat and Caroline have both said, I go through exactly the same destructive angry phases as you. I find the anxiety, the self-doubt particularly hard…
    One thing which comforts me is the thought that my ex does not love his new woman any more or less than he loved me. I think he simply does not love himself and is unable to truly love anyone else.
    Take care x

  7. Do not post your photo! This is your place to be anonymous and vent. In all honesty, would you date a man who has vented for a year about his ex? I wouldn’t because I would be afraid that he is still too emotionally involved with her. You are hurt, just as many of us are. Its safe to feel and express hurt here.

    Our blogs are our refuge from our pain. Our anonymity here allows us to get dressed up, go out, and put on the face of someone not tormented by our pasts.

  8. First of all I want to thank each of you for wishing me a happy birthday / a nd a betteryear ahead. It was.And it will be.

    Second for those fo you who feared I might just end up putting my picture on here, fear no more. I never intended to do that. This blog was never meant as a way for me to find men.

    It is indeed just a place for me to vent, to share my pain, to teach and also to learn from others. To inspire by writing and to be inspired by words. To get sympathy, a listening ear, or rather a reading eye, mixed with good advice coming from people who are or have been in a similar situation to mine. My picture will not add any value to my story. But for those who want to know… I didnt choose the woman in red by coincidence 😉

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