Archive for January, 2011

January 29, 2011

The Logical Mind vs. the Emotional Heart

by bye2mrwrong

They say that: “The head forgets but the heart remembers”. Surely I’ve forgotten many of the events that have happened that led me to here, many of the angry words that flew across the room, the countless tears that were shed, the lies that were told, and the promises that were broken. I do not remember it all. And maybe I don’t want to.

But my heart remembers the pain, and the anguish. My heart has not yet let it go; it has not yet healed from its wounds. My heart is still broken into pieces, shattered, and waiting to be picked up, embraced, and tended to.  It cannot forget the words that pierced right through me. It remembers the sting it felt when I found out of the affair, and it remembers the twist of the knife as more and more lies surfaced.

“Let it go!” is the sentence I’ve been hearing most for the past year. Not because I cannot let go of the pain that is still in my heart, but because I cannot let go of the love. It seems that the heart is the one organ which has so much love, that it is willing to forgive and forget. It is blind, and irrational; emotional with no logic. It feeds off illusions, and sweet dreams. No matter how excruciating the pain, and how deep the cut, the heart still loves.

If “we are persuaded by reason, but moved by emotion” then how do I stop loving? How do I move on after 10 years?

The truth is that my mind has already moved on. It has made the decision to leave. It has looked over the list of pros and cons, weighed each point and made a completely biased, logical and rational decision. It has determined that the best option is to move on.

But my heart has not yet joined for the ride. It has not yet realized what it wants. It has not yet been able to let go of the love it once felt. It has become my weakness, my so-called Achilles heel. It feels a longing for a long-lost memory that is engraved on it, and nostalgia for the “perfect” past it has created in its imagination.

January 26, 2011

Sweet Revenge (Part II)

by bye2mrwrong

One of my co-bloggers wrote that “If another woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him.” While I’m not sure how I feel about this, maybe it is the best revenge. Maybe my husband, his brother and the mistress/slut are on the same level, and therefore deserve each other.

My husband has been looking quite bad lately. Actually I think he looks a bit like a terrorist these days. He’s become super skinny (with no woman to cook for him), he shaved off his beautiful golden hair which I loved so much (most likely to spite me), and he’s grown this long, dark heavy beard (just because he can’t bother to take care of himself and no one else seems to).

Actually I say this, but the fact of the matter is that I haven’t seen him for over a month. I know he comes home sometimes to pick up the mail; but he always does it when I’m not around. I think it has something to do with the guilt. Or at least that’s what I would like to believe.

Last night I heard that it’s over. The brother has dumped the slut and has asked her to leave his house this week. I can’t help but wonder what happened. Has the awful truth finally come out? Did he find out the child is not his? Did he catch her cheating? Has he just had enough of this twisted threesome? And what happens now? Will she keep the baby? And who will take responsibility for it?

I’m not sure how I feel about this all. On the one hand I am a bit upset. Upset because it seems almost a shame that my 10 years have been wasted and are lost, for this one-year, short-lived, and terribly agonizing relationship they had. I want to just scream at both the brothers: Was she worth it? A part of me would even prefer that they would endure this miserable relationship, full of lies and deceit, a bit longer.

But on the other hand I am pleased; pleased that this distorted relationship has crashed in their face, and will be their downfall. That now as the truth comes out, and eyes are beginning to open, this family will be torn apart by their own doing. For so long it has been me who has been falling apart. Finally I can sit back and watch them come undone. I wonder if this is karma beginning to show its face, if this is the taste of sweet revenge?!

January 24, 2011

Sweet Revenge (Part I)

by bye2mrwrong

Some say an “eye for eye leaves everyone blind”, but I’m yet to meet the man who truly does “turn the other cheek” and says: “hurt me more”.

Once you’ve been hurt, it seems to me reasonable to have that urge, that yearning, that burning desire for revenge. The passion for vengeance is strong and at times even overwhelming. After all is it not natural to want to retaliate in kind to insult or injury?

Maybe vengeance is a logical fallacy of the same design as “two wrongs make a right”, but “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. And that’s just the truth of it.

After sharing 10 years with my husband; sharing my thoughts, feelings, ideas and desires, sharing a home and a bed, sharing my body and soul; it seems to me only logical that I should want to share some of the pain that he has inflicted on me.

And more than inflicting pain on him, I want to inflict it on her. On the mistress, the slut who has stolen my husband, my life, my hopes and my dreams away from me. Even now a year later, I cannot help but grin at the thought of seeing her suffer. After all she didn’t mind sharing my man, so why not share my pain too?

Will revenge make me happy? Will it bring back justice? Will it reverse time? Maybe, probably not, no. But it might make them feel just the slightest bit of the hurt, the anguish, and the suffering that I have felt for so long now.

January 20, 2011

Just a Spoonful of Sugar

by bye2mrwrong

If only all it took was: Just a spoon full of sugar to help the misery go down in the most delightful way…

I cannot believe my ears. I just came back from my lawyer and what does he tell me? That after all this time (and money), maybe I should reconcile. That the smartest thing might be to reconsider my husband’s initial proposal. The initial proposal that was something like: “Get the eff out of MY house, and I won’t tear you apart”. Yes you read right. He said MY house, not ours!

Is he insane? What happened to the fighting spirit? Maybe it’s me who has lost the fighting spirit. Maybe it’s me who cannot handle this divorce taking any longer. I feel like staying in this house, in this country, in this mess is holding me back from my life. I need to move on, to start something new, to rebuild me!

I not only need but also want to rebuild my confidence, and win back my self esteem. I want to regain my trust in people and mend my broken little heart. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the reflection I see staring back at me. I want to learn to love again. Not just a man, but me.  But above all I want to leave it all behind. To make a fresh start. I want to be able to let it go, to (forgive?) and forget.

Things I may need:

  • 1 large desire for change
    then stir in:
  • 1 cup of courage
  • 1 cup of strength
  • 3 cups of honesty
  • 1 pinch of humor
  • Chill for couple months
  • Open new life and enjoy
    Serve with smile or tears depending on mood!

If only all it took was just a spoon full of sugar to help the misery go down, in the most delightful way…

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January 18, 2011

Déjà Vu

by bye2mrwrong

It was about a year ago when it started. One day out of nowhere my husband invited HER over, an employee from work, who he had recently set up with his brother. She came alone, an innocent visit to chat about how things were going, or rather not going. It was all so very innocent, until she brought up this trip to visit her family in England and how much fun they would all have at the soccer game there.

What? Red flags shot up in my ears. Was this how I was being informed that my husband had already made plans to go to England without having first discussed it with me? I was furious. The sparks in my eyes, and questioning looks, were answered with a casual “oh no, we were just playing around with the idea.”

But it didn’t sound like just an idea to me. It sounded more like the tickets to the match were already bought, and the plans had already been made. Politely I told my husband we would discuss the issue later, not in front of our guest. He made a little fuss… and I could see the way he was looking at her, as if to say: crazy wife – I’ll do what I want in the end in any case.

And that he did. After weeks of arguing about this trip, he went anyway. I could not join as I had no more days off from work (something he knew in advance) and I had not agreed to him going either, but he could not care less.

To me the idea of him joining his brother and his new girlfriend not only on their first trip together, but on a trip intended for her to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents; seemed ridiculous, completely absurd. Actually it was a “tad” inappropriate even. Why would he want to be the third wheel?

Skipping forward one year, I feel a complete sense of Déjà Vu. My husband just went again with his slut and his brother to England to visit her family. Once again, I do not see the point, but by now who am I to interfere? It no longer has anything to do with me.

Still I find it strange and utterly distorted. Has he not learned anything? Why would he want to be the third wheel again? Whose hand does he need to hold as she and his brother tell her religious parents that she is “unexpectedly” pregnant? It doesn’t make sense. What exactly does he need to do there with them, on such an occasion?

It makes me sick to my stomach that no one is capable of seeing how twisted this is? That no one says anything, and that I am the only one who notices how perverted this threesome relationship is. Could it be that the three of them are not sure who the father of the baby is? Could that be the reason for him awkwardly tagging along?

Whatever the reason, it seems to me that “those who cannot learn from history are bound to repeat it”.

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January 13, 2011

Wasted Time

by bye2mrwrong

In our lives there are many moments when we wait. As kids we wait to go to big school, we wait to get a bike without training wheels; we wait for our turn on the computer, or in line for a roller coaster ride. We wait impatiently to be chosen for a team in sports class and hope we won’t get picked last, we wait for our exam results and pray to God we passed. We wait for our dinner to be ready as our stomach makes growling sounds, and most of all we wait to grow up.

As teens we wait for our life to begin, we wait for people to treat us like the adults we believe we are. We wait to get our driver’s license, we wait for a phone call from that special someone we have a crush on, and above all we wait to be at a legal drinking age so that the real fun can start.

And as adults we keep on waiting. We wait for a reaction to that resume we sent in last week, or for a work meeting to start. We wait for a friend to show up and get a bit annoyed when they are late yet again, and we wait to meet our soul mate. We wait, we hope, we dream, and we look back at what we left behind.

But is our time so invaluable, so un-precious, that we should spend it waiting? What if it’s all just wasted time? What are we really waiting for? Shouldn’t we learn from the past and look to the future, seize the day, and make things happen instead of waiting for faith, or destiny to strike?!

For the past year my life has been a waiting game. While everyone’s life around me continues; friends are getting promotions, changing jobs, getting engaged, having babies, and meeting new loves; my life has been on hold, worse, it has come to a complete stop.

I’m so sick of it, so tired of waiting. I see the lines underneath my eyes (is that tiredness or depression?), the wrinkles in my face; and the white hairs starting to show. And I hear that biological clock tick away as it realizes that it is now further than ever from what just yesterday seemed so close by. I’m tired of fighting with my own demons, tired of crying, tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of being angry at everyone around me and tired of worrying that it’s all been wasted time.

And that’s exactly what I feel; it’s what I’m afraid of. My life wasted away even more as I wait for something no longer under my control. Waiting for the divorce to go through, for signatures to be signed, and inventory to be appraised. Waiting for a reaction from my lawyer, or a reaction from his. Waiting for the tears to stop falling, and the pain to go away. Waiting for karma to show its true face and for the universe to balance out. Waiting for my good deeds to be rewarded, and for his bad deeds to be punished. I am waiting until I can stop my mind from wondering what I left behind, and from worrying ’bout this wasted time.

“Well baby, there you stand, With your little head down in your hand. Oh my god, you can’t believe it’s happening again. Your baby’s gone and you’re all alone, and it looks like the end. You’re back out on the street. And you’re trying to remember. How will you start it over? You don’t know if you can. You don’t care much for a stranger’s touch, but you can’t hold your man. You never thought you’d be alone this far down the line.  And I know what’s been on your mind. You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time. The autumn leaves have got you thinking. About the first time that you fell. You didn’t love the boy too much. You just loved the boy to well. So you live from day-to-day. And you dream about tomorrow. And the hours go by like minutes, and the shadows come to stay. So you take a little something to make them go away. And I could have done so many things, baby. If I could only stop my mind. From wondering what I left behind. And from worrying ’bout this wasted time. Another love has come and gone. And the years keep rushing on. I remember what you told me before you went out on your own: ’Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone’. So you can get on with your search, baby. And I can get on with mine. And maybe someday we will find,That it wasn’t really wasted time.” The Eagles

January 10, 2011

Let’s Kill All The Lawyers (Part II)

by bye2mrwrong

“It is better to be a mouse in a cat’s mouth than a man in a lawyer’s hands.”

That’s it, this pussy lawyer has totally pissed me off. This has just become a game of shuffling papers from left to right and then back again. What are we hiring lawyers for anyway? To take our money at a rate for $150 per hour??? No wonder everyone hates lawyers.  It seems like “they’re rescuing our estate from our enemies but keeping it for themselves”. What is it with lawyers anyway? They all dress the same, they all talk the same… and it seems that they all smoke the same cigar.

I mean I pay this guy to help me out, to give me advice, to fight for me; and all he does is hand me over some papers and ask me for my comments. I mean if I knew what to do in the first place, then I wouldn’t have hired him. Do I look like a serial divorcee that knows what the hell she’s doing? I thought he was the expert.

OK so maybe I do need him to help me “rip out my husband’s genitals through his wallet”, and to make sure that I even get the papers handed over to me in the first place, but he’s letting me do all the work. So what’s the point?

So big-loud- mouthed-brave me, I decided to write my lawyer exactly what I think of him, I was going to tell him off, to give him a piece of my mind, to do some good tongue lashing, to tell him this is my life not a game between lawyers… but at the end I found myself writing a nice polite restrained  letter instead. So much for showing him who’s the boss!

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January 5, 2011

Let’s Kill All The Lawyers!

by bye2mrwrong

The first day I stepped into my lawyer’s office, I held back my tears and tried to be strong. “This is your lawyer, not your psychologist, so cry about it later” I said to myself. So I gathered myself together, attempted to stay professional and stated my case.  After only 2 years of marriage I was heading for a divorce.

My lawyer was enthusiastic. No kids, short marriage….this was going to be child’s play. But here I am 5 months later with no results. It almost seems like I’m paying my lawyer to shuffle around papers from left to right and then back again. And it ain’t cheap!

What more is this lawyer said to me he was a fighter, a tiger. But this tiger has gone all mushy and soft on me… and I feel like the only way I’m going to get what I want is if my husband’s lawyer is a pussy cat. I guess that once again I should have known better. A tiger? Come on what is that? If you want to fight in the jungle you’ve got to be the king of the jungle. You’ve got to be the lion. Being the tiger is just being second. And in this case being second means being the loser.

But this wasn’t my first experience with lawyers. I had gone to one before, and sat with him twice. Once was for the first conversation. This is the getting to know each other conversation, deciding if you like the lawyer, deciding if you think they’re good enough to plead your case, and exploring all your rights and options. This first conversation, or should I say consultation is for free.

But what they don’t tell you is that if you decide to retain the lawyer, then not only is it not for free, but you get charged for your first consultation as well. Basically in some hidden lawyer handbook I found on the net, in that little fine print that no one ever looks at, it said that if your first consultation is general – than yes it will be for free. If not you will get charged. But what is general? I’m not coming to ask questions about the general public. I want to know if this lawyer thinks I have a chance to win or if I stand to lose. And if I want to get those answers, I need to explain MY personal situation, not a general one.

Fortunately enough for me after I got the bill, I was cocky enough to send it back disagreeing to pay for the first consultation. I guess this lawyer either didn’t feel like arguing, or is just one of those losers… cause within a week I got a new bill with a lowered charge, and a letter explaining that there must have been a “misunderstanding” and that he would be willing to let me off the hook. I think this lawyer was just trying to use what I call the “success method”. This is when you try to screw someone over, if you succeed great, if not too bad. Understandably enough after this incident, we parted ways… and I went on to search for a new lawyer with my new founded knowledge about the law world.

So people be warned: read the fine print, ask what you’re paying for, ask your lawyer if he’s the lion or just the tiger? Will he be letting you do all the work, while he’s just shuffling papers around? Or will he be giving you advice based on his years of experience?

I guess now you should understand the heading of today’s blog. For you lawyers out there, I’m sorry no offense. But seriously am I the only one that wants to kill my lawyer?

January 4, 2011

Is There Justice In This World?

by bye2mrwrong

People say I’m STRONG.  I’ve held it together for a year now all on my own in this strange foreign country.  When I first found out about my husband’s affair, I bit my tongue and told no one. I went into work with my head held high, did my job better than ever, put in over-time and never let a soul know what I was going through at home.

But I don’t think I’m strong at all. If anything I’m WEAK. I see now how for years I’ve been controlled. Submissive, with no backbone. Opinion less and silent. I never questioned and never demanded.

When I wanted a piano, I begged. But when he said no, I accepted. When I wanted a car, I asked, but when we couldn’t agree, I let it go. And this is how it was with everything. But if he wanted me to cook even after a hard day at work, I complied. And when he wanted me to do the dishes afterward, I of-course did what any “good wife” would. I catered to him and hung on his every word. I was “the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself”.

I only ever wanted two things: to be married and to have children.  It took me 7 years to get my husband to propose. So I assumed it would take a few more to get him to decide to have children. But in reality that’s not how it goes, or how it should have been. Other women don’t ask. They demand and they tell. The husband may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck that turns it.

But me, I waited patiently for my husband to be ready. Needless to say that never happened, and I am now left childless and full of envy of every mother to roam the face of the earth. I know I’m still young…but I was ready so long ago.

Why do I bring this up now? Why is it all of a sudden bothering me? Because I just found out that the SLUT is pregnant. She had them all fooled. She said she couldn’t get pregnant…but it seems “miracles” do happen to some. Only it’s not certain who the child is from. My husband or his brother? Who knows maybe from some one else…

The thought that this child could be from my husband, MY HUSBAND who did not want to have a child with me, has left me weak again filled once more with anger, jealousy, and envy. She got what I had always wished for. Is there any justice in this world? Could it be that the righteous suffer while the wicked prosper?