Posts tagged ‘God’

August 28, 2011

Lesson 36: Get Outside Every Day. Miracles Are Waiting for You to Discover

by bye2mrwrong

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”

The world doesn’t know that I’ve just gone through a major disaster. That my life has completely changed, and turned upside down. That I married only to find myself divorced; that I gave my heart, only to have it shattered. That I left full of hopes, only to come back empty-handed. While my light may have been momentarily switched off, and I may be sitting in the darkness waiting for the dimmest of light to slowly reappear, the world continues to spin. The sun continues to shine, the flowers continue to grow, the leaves fall, and the wind gently whispers “Maybe it’s time to come out of your shell. Hiding away won’t make anything better.”

Being cheerless and gloomy, pessimistic and skeptic, distrustful and closed; shelters me in the most protective way possible. But it also hides me from the beauty that is out there. The world is full of surprises, grand and beautiful. Yesterday may not have been so good, but tomorrow is a new day that brings with it a glimmer of hope. Who knows what miracles are out there waiting to be discovered, what the stars have in store for me if I just believe. If I just get out there, keep riding the storm, and keep moving forward.

So while I’ve ruled out the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and maybe even God. I haven’t ruled out wishing. I wish on stars. I wish on eyelashes. I wish on a penny as I throw it into a water fountain, I wish when I pluck a dandelion from the grass and blow its seeds into the wind. I’m wishing right now as I write this blog. Cause once in a blue moon miracles still do happen to those of us who are lucky enough. They happen without warning, when we least expect it, but desire it the most.

What miracle are you wishing for?

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August 9, 2011

Some Things Weren’t Meant to Last

by bye2mrwrong

In life we constantly need credentials to show who we are, what we’ve done, and what our potential is. Diplomas, certificates, references and degrees are documents that guide us through life.

IF a swimming diploma shows that if shoved into a pool of water I will not drown; a high school certificate proves that if required I can sit on my ass for hours, read boring material, and memorize it until I’m blue in the face; a university degree demonstrates that I am a critical thinker, I can and do use my brain once in a while; a driver’s license attests that I am capable of driving from A to B without killing all obstacles in my way; a marriage certificate validates that I am a serious and committed adult. What does a divorce certificate prove?

Today it arrived. My official divorce documentation. Ahhh another opportunity to analyze, re-analyze and over-analyze what went wrong and  when, who was to blame and why. 10 years of partnership terminated, approved and boldly stamped in red. It feels like yet another punch in the stomach, another slap in the face. This crappy piece of paper is proof of my failure. Proof that some things weren’t meant to last. That some certificates are crap; they can be given one day and taken away the next.

Isn’t that the joke of life? God gives it, only to take it away. Let’s not forget, birth and death certificates are proof of that. I guess credentials don’t really mean much then, do they? My diploma may show that I graduated the theories I learned, but it doesn’t prove I will be good in practice. My driver’s license shows I can drive, but doesn’t assure that I will do it sober. My marriage certificate proved I wanted to be in a relationship, but it didn’t forecast for how long.

P.s. Sorry for being in such a negative mood today. Maybe I should be grateful. Grateful for life while there’s still proof that I am living.

July 21, 2011

Lesson #10: God Never Gives Us More than We Were Designed to Carry

by bye2mrwrong

Some of us were designed to carry more, some less.
No matter what, even if we are asked to carry a portion of sky, it is beyond bearable. It is a gift.

I’m not sure I agree with this one. Is any one person designed to carry such burden and adversity as the loss of a child, or the birth of a malformed one,  to live with the aftermath of a perilous accident, or an incurable disease?

A friend once told me that she believes that those things that are the hardest for us to cope with are the things that will happen to us, so we can become stronger from them. This I somehow believe. Why, because all my life I was afraid of divorce. Divorce was something that unlike some disease (which I believed only happened at old age) or death (which I preferred not to think of at all) seemed tangible enough to happen, conceivable, real. Even the word brought chills down my spine. In my close-knit family no one divorced. It was unspoken of, a taboo, a big no-no. Whether NOT divorcing under any circumstance was right, I don’t know. All I know is that it just wasn’t done. And so it became my biggest fear.

Now that divorce is behind me and I’ve carried its heavy weight on my shoulders and in my heart; I have new fears. Fears of not finding anyone, fears of never having children, or of being barren; fears of death (mine and others) and the list goes on. Will I have to experience them all? Am I designed to carry more? I sure hope not. But I guess God will be the judge of that.

P.S. Yes I’ve skipped lesson #9.

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July 20, 2011

Lesson #8: It’s Okay to Get Angry with God. He Can Take it

by bye2mrwrong

Sometimes you just need to let out all your anger before you can find inner peace. And when there’s no one left to blame, sometimes it’s relieving to turn our anger towards the Almighty. After all, God already knows about our anger, understands its source, discerns why we are angry, and can easily handle it. And being God Himself, the deity, the divinity, the everlasting; He surely has handled many a greater things.

So get mad, get angry. Scream, yell and shout. Let it out. I’m told it’s therapeutic.

I’m not really sure if I believe in God. When things are good in my life I don’t seem to think of Him too much, let alone have conversations with Him. But when things turn bad I suddenly find myself in desperation praying, pleading, on my knees begging, and on occasion even making promises I vow to keep if He would just grant me this one wish. When I receive no reply and my wishes are not granted I seem to get disappointed in this Greater Power which was not even in my consciousness before my wish needed granting. I remember that I’m not sure He even exists. After all where is this supremely good, merciful and just God when we need him? Why does he let us endure so much misery and suffering? Why does he allow bad things to happen?

Still, I think it’s easier for people to believe in God for a multitude of reasons. As an answer to all the unexplainable mysteries in the world, or so we can accept certain things that happen to us but also at the same time so we can blame Him for all the wrong-doings in our lives. Me, I usually don’t get angry with God or point a blaming finger; but I do have a lot of questions for Him. Mostly they come in the form of Why me? Why ME!!! Or what did I do to deserve this? The answer is always the same, complete and utter silence.

What this silence means I do not know. But I can only hope that my petty, egocentric self, misjudges God and his plans for me. Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

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May 10, 2011

Karma or Luck

by bye2mrwrong

Karma can be
the wisest teacher
the harshest punisher
and the most beautiful reward

“According to the seed that’s sown,
So is the fruit you reap there from,
Doer of good will gather good,
Doer of evil, evil reaps,
Down is the seed and thou shalt taste
The fruit thereof.”

 

 So many people are telling me to believe in karma. The stars will align and the eventually karma will catch up with him. What goes around comes around”. I’ve been waiting for karma to show its true face and for the universe to balance out, waiting for my good deeds to be rewarded, and for his bad deeds to be punished. But if I am to believe in karma then I have to trust that I must have done something bad in order to deserve this bad karma that has been bestowed upon me. And OK let’s say that is the case, is my bad Karma gone now? Have I paid my dues? Should I expect good Karma now?

Hmmm… I’m not really sure about any of this. I don’t know what to believe in anymore. God, Stars, Astrology, Fate, Destiny, Good Karma, Bad Karma or maybe just plain old Luck

April 22, 2011

Till DEATH Do Us Part

by bye2mrwrong

Yesterday I could not sleep. No matter which way I turned, or how my body slithered; it seemed that nothing could help this brain from switching off. Thoughts ran though my mind. Thoughts of loves lost, pain, hurt, revenge, betrayal, deceit, and lies. As I envisioned myself as the victim once more, tears came pouring down. Fragile and weak I felt myself crumble, as I hit the ground. How had I become so weak? How had I allowed this to happen to me? Who was in control? Is this the hand of God playing a game with me? Testing me? How much more grief can I take? How many more mistakes will I make? Is he laughing from above?

But the thought that scared me the most was the thought I had of death. At such a moment of vulnerability I welcomed death with open arms. If this was what life had to offer me, was there reason to go on? I’d be relieved to leave the pain of this world. Finally let it all go, leave it all behind.

I could play dumb, but I know exactly why these thoughts were going through my mind. I had just come back from meeting my husband, with both his lawyer and mine. We had tried to negotiate, to settle things between us, so that maybe if we were fortunate and smart we wouldn’t have to drag this thing out any longer or go to court allowing someone else to judge our lives.

Result: Unsuccessful!

And so I came home in tears… trying to figure out what that meant for the course of my life. How much longer would I have to endure this hell?  Should I just settle and end this misery? Emotional health vs. financial stability, that’s the real question right now. Seems like there’s no right answer to the question called life and the only way out is OUT.

I had been fighting this for so long, not wanting to leave empty-handed. I wanted to leave with my head held high. Initially my revengeful self wanted for him to have to sell the house. That way both of us would have to start from nothing. I already got screwed once. Vengeance and anger motivated me to stick it out. But after nine month that flame in me had long died down.

I could ask 1000 people what to do. But each answer would be different. Let it go. Fight! In the end it’s my choice to make. And what does it matter to them? Why would they care? It’s not really their problem. Today is a Friday. I haven’t had a single phone call. No they really don’t care. Would anyone know if I was gone? Would they miss me? What if tomorrow unexpectedly I died? How long would it take till someone noticed?

In the deep dark catacombs of my mind, it’s not death I’m worried about. It’s the fact that if I died I would legally still be married to my husband. Would that mean that he would get everything that was mine? Would that mean he won? Only for that reason I’m not ready to die. Could I make you my witnesses? Would you testify that I wanted my fair share, that I wanted him to have nothing of mine?

March 6, 2011

Victim of Love

by bye2mrwrong

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes
The greater is their power to harm us

Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

For a long time I’ve pondered why I deserved this fate? What have I done to warrant such unending pain? Who have I wronged? And why am I being punished?  I played the victim and I played the part flawlessly with a passion. The fragile weakling that got burned; shot through the heart, and stabbed in the back, through no fault of her own. Playing the victim role allowed me to gain self-worth, after all I did nothing wrong – I was the good guy. And it allowed me to gain people’s pity and sympathy.

In retrospect saying “poor me” kept me chronically passive, and powerless. And while that part, so easy to play, became me for some time, suddenly I realize that as long as I play the victim I will not be able to move on. I will not be able to mend my broken heart. Resentment has held me back; for we only resent people to the extent that we have given away our power to them. So now after a year of anger and resentment, with courage and pride I am taking my power back. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I just want to move on. So I am letting go of the victim role. And I have found it in myself to accept, forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget he ever existed.