Posts tagged ‘Emotions’

August 6, 2011

Lesson #26: Frame Every So-Called Disaster With These Words: “In Five Years, Will This Matter?”

by bye2mrwrong

Life is a journey, and in that journey we hit bumps, we reach difficult cross roads and dead ends; we stumble, we fall, we bruise, we hurt and we cry. Life’s journey can be harsh and difficult, the lessons learned extreme. Sometimes surviving the journey is the worst kind of pain.  And while we feel that pain consuming us, we believe that life won’t be the same afterwards. We somehow expect the world to STOP.

But it doesn’t. Life goes on like nothing has happened. You wake up in the morning only to realize that you’re still alive. The sun has risen again, there is light out and a new day has arrived. Like everyone else around, you continue. Days, Month, Years pass by. Slowly the pain fades away, leaving only a mark in its place.

Professedly today’s disaster will have limited if any impact on our life say 5 years from now. Our perceptions of events change over time.  I guess the point of today’s lesson is just that. If and when the pain of our so-called disaster fades away, will it matter? When we were little, if we fell and wounded ourselves we would run back to mommy to wipe away the blood, kiss our bruise, and make the pain go away. If the fall was hard enough to leave a scar we could still look back at it and be reminded of the fall. But the pain is long forgotten. I suppose the same goes for the deeper wounds, the emotional ones. The ones where the scar is not as visible on the outside, as it is on the inside. Even those scars heal, even broken hearts mend. The question standing is how soon do we forget? How long does it take before it doesn’t really matter? One minute, one hour, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime?

I’ve found out that so much can happen in a year, let alone five. And with my luck anything and everything can happen in a year. In one year I found out that my husband was having an affair, I went for the first time to a psychologist, I lost my job, I got divorced, I fell in lust, I left my home, flew to another country, and after 10 years out I moved back in with my parents.

So will it matter in 5 years from now that I was cheated on, that my heart broke, that I divorced?

I guess that depends what the next 5 years hold for me. If my future turns out to be all sunshine and roses, if I find my dream job and a dream man to go along, if I get married to this dreamy lad, and have his child, if every choice I make from now on will be a success…well then I guess that everything that happened until now (including and especially getting divorced) won’t really have mattered. And actually may be a blessing in disguise.

But if I meet a slew of men, only to find out that none of them are right, but only right now. If I discover that I cannot find a job here, or cannot afford to rent a place on my own, If I feel that I am lonely without my old friends, and I have not met any new ones; if being so close to my family will drive me up the wall and cause a family feud…..then it will matter. It will matter that I divorced and that this was the path that it led me on.

April 27, 2011

Surviving the Game

by bye2mrwrong

I read a cute girly book recently. I’ve been reading loads of those. Which hasn’t been helping my self-esteem, since like in all other romantic novels the end is always the same: the girl gets the boy, they are passionately in love, and of-course they get married and live happily-ever-after.

But before the girl gets the boy she has to find him, attract him, and make him fall desperately in love. And what are the rules of the game?

Be cool. Be detached. Be aloof. Be bulletproof. Act brutal. Stay in control. Always leave them before they leave you.

Pfff. Are those the things a girl needs to be in order to survive the dating jungle? Since when are we in control of our emotions so much so that we can stay all those things mentioned above? Detached, Bulletproof. Ha. If I like a guy and he makes me weak in the knees I definitely cannot stay detached. And if that guy doesn’t call me like he said he would I definitely cannot stay bulletproof.

When I like you and I’m with you, I feel giggly and light as if I’m floating on air. And when you lean over to kiss me, I feel my feet stumble beneath me as I melt into your arms. When your hand brushes my hair I get the butterfly feeling inside, and when you squeeze my hand ever so gently, I feel ecstatic with delight. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning, and I want your lips to be the last thing I kiss before I close my eyes at night. That’s just the way I like, that’s the way I love. But when I’m waiting by the phone endlessly for your call, my stomach gets tied up in knots. And when I feel you pulling away I start to crumble as my heart gets torn apart.

“I am an Emotional Creature. I know when a storm is coming. I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air. I can tell you he won’t call back… I love that I do not take things lightly. The way I hear bad news. The way it’s unbearable when I lose. I know that one kiss can take away all my decision-making ability. Don’t tell me not to cry. To calm it down. Not to be so extreme. To be reasonable… I am an emotional creature. Why would you want to shut me down or turn me off?” Eve Ensler

February 14, 2011

Breaking the Silence

by bye2mrwrong

In the past year my husband and I had many MANY arguments, heated discussions and fights. Days of silence and pretences would be broken with violent words flying across the room. Mostly it was hashing and rehashing of the same things that had already been said. We would shout, I would cry, tones were raised. As if screaming it any louder would make us hear better.

But it seemed to me like my husband never really heard me. Maybe he heard but he didn’t listen. Maybe he listened but he didn’t internalize, maybe he internalized but he didn’t understand, and he most definitely didn’t want to agree or admit defeat, take on the blame, the responsibility, or the guilt. So I kept repeating everything over and over again. But words were unnecessary, meaningless, and damaging. They came flying back as a boomerang straight at me, crashing in painfully, piercing me, and tearing me back down.

I talked about how ever since I graduated from University and got a job, he didn’t feel I needed him. As if my intelligence was in the way of his pride and my financial independence strained him. I tried to explain that wanting someone was better than needing them. I tried to show him the error of his ways. I pointed out how he only surrounded himself with weak people, less intelligent or savvy so that he could feel 10 feet tall, and they could praise him.

I talked about how he always defended the other woman and stuck up for her instead of me, his wife. How he was falling for her tortured soul act when she was making it look like she was the poor victim in all of this and I was the villain out to terrorize her and ruin her life.

I talked about the pain I felt when his entire family dropped me in a second, hanging up my picture so they could tear me down, so prematurely, uninviting me to family events so as not to ruin the atmosphere, or telling me they only wanted to talk about good things. Good things? What good things did I have to talk about when my life was crumbling down before my very eyes?!

I talked about how she would end up breaking the entire family, and how he had ruined what could have been the best relationship ever. I talked about my feelings; the lack of trust, the countless lies that were spoken only to be broken, the deceit. I spoke of my love and how it felt like everything I wanted to give was everything he couldn’t take. I talked, I cried, and I hopelessly prayed and wished for everything to return to normal.

Eventually my tears dried up and there was nothing left to say; only silence remained. So in the end I decided to just let the SILENCE speak for itself…

January 29, 2011

The Logical Mind vs. the Emotional Heart

by bye2mrwrong

They say that: “The head forgets but the heart remembers”. Surely I’ve forgotten many of the events that have happened that led me to here, many of the angry words that flew across the room, the countless tears that were shed, the lies that were told, and the promises that were broken. I do not remember it all. And maybe I don’t want to.

But my heart remembers the pain, and the anguish. My heart has not yet let it go; it has not yet healed from its wounds. My heart is still broken into pieces, shattered, and waiting to be picked up, embraced, and tended to.  It cannot forget the words that pierced right through me. It remembers the sting it felt when I found out of the affair, and it remembers the twist of the knife as more and more lies surfaced.

“Let it go!” is the sentence I’ve been hearing most for the past year. Not because I cannot let go of the pain that is still in my heart, but because I cannot let go of the love. It seems that the heart is the one organ which has so much love, that it is willing to forgive and forget. It is blind, and irrational; emotional with no logic. It feeds off illusions, and sweet dreams. No matter how excruciating the pain, and how deep the cut, the heart still loves.

If “we are persuaded by reason, but moved by emotion” then how do I stop loving? How do I move on after 10 years?

The truth is that my mind has already moved on. It has made the decision to leave. It has looked over the list of pros and cons, weighed each point and made a completely biased, logical and rational decision. It has determined that the best option is to move on.

But my heart has not yet joined for the ride. It has not yet realized what it wants. It has not yet been able to let go of the love it once felt. It has become my weakness, my so-called Achilles heel. It feels a longing for a long-lost memory that is engraved on it, and nostalgia for the “perfect” past it has created in its imagination.