Posts tagged ‘Blame’

August 9, 2011

Some Things Weren’t Meant to Last

by bye2mrwrong

In life we constantly need credentials to show who we are, what we’ve done, and what our potential is. Diplomas, certificates, references and degrees are documents that guide us through life.

IF a swimming diploma shows that if shoved into a pool of water I will not drown; a high school certificate proves that if required I can sit on my ass for hours, read boring material, and memorize it until I’m blue in the face; a university degree demonstrates that I am a critical thinker, I can and do use my brain once in a while; a driver’s license attests that I am capable of driving from A to B without killing all obstacles in my way; a marriage certificate validates that I am a serious and committed adult. What does a divorce certificate prove?

Today it arrived. My official divorce documentation. Ahhh another opportunity to analyze, re-analyze and over-analyze what went wrong and  when, who was to blame and why. 10 years of partnership terminated, approved and boldly stamped in red. It feels like yet another punch in the stomach, another slap in the face. This crappy piece of paper is proof of my failure. Proof that some things weren’t meant to last. That some certificates are crap; they can be given one day and taken away the next.

Isn’t that the joke of life? God gives it, only to take it away. Let’s not forget, birth and death certificates are proof of that. I guess credentials don’t really mean much then, do they? My diploma may show that I graduated the theories I learned, but it doesn’t prove I will be good in practice. My driver’s license shows I can drive, but doesn’t assure that I will do it sober. My marriage certificate proved I wanted to be in a relationship, but it didn’t forecast for how long.

P.s. Sorry for being in such a negative mood today. Maybe I should be grateful. Grateful for life while there’s still proof that I am living.

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July 24, 2011

2 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back

by bye2mrwrong

About a year ago my ex-husband and I finally reached the decision that there is only one path left for us – divorce. I never really agreed completely with this path, I didn’t want it, couldn’t fathom it, but logically there was just no other way. I was constantly angry and took it out on him; he had closed up emotionally and would not talk to me at all about the breathings of his heart. Finger pointing, blaming and harsh words were the only things we were able to do at the time; and with his refusal to go to relationship therapy it left us no other choice.

At first I left the bed, then I left the house. But when circumstances led me to come back it was his turn. He left the house, and I was left empty in an apartment full of memories, full of US. At first it was hard. I sat around and moped. Felt sorry for myself. Anger and pity were two emotions perpetually in my bones. But with time something changed and with a push from my friends I started to go out, to have fun, to meet new people, I even fell in lust. It felt like I was moving forward, like I was letting go.

But skipping forward one year, I feel like I have recently taken a few steps back. Suddenly I am again very sad. My outlook on life is not a happy or chirpy one. I go through the motions. I fill up my day. I make sure that by night fall I’m so excruciatingly tired that I can think of nothing but sleep. And when it comes to love I have become skeptical, pessimistic, and cynic.

Knowing that a few months ago I was better, I can’t help but wonder what brought me back, and why I’m now stuck here. When I hear the usual clichés (e.g. things happen for a reason, or everything works out in the end), unlike before when I agreed with them, and believed them to be true, now I challenge them. I’m not sure I don’t believe them, but it feels like I’m playing devil’s advocate, pushing my friends to the corner to see if they can find a new cliché out.

On the day of my flight my ex finally apologized. An apology that at last, after all this time, felt truly authentic. An apology that came filled with tears of remorse and self-anger, filled with pain and regret. He apologized for the things he had done, for the lies he had lied, for the words he had thrown, for the pain he had caused, for the life he had ruined, for the promises he had broken, for the hopes he had shattered, for the path he had taken, and for the one he hadn’t. He apologized from the bottom of his heart.

His apology which had been long overdue, had brought me comfort, for the words he spoke were words that I had been patiently waiting for, words that I desperately needed to hear. But with that comfort came grief, remorse and regret. Could we have saved us? Should we have waited longer? Is there still a glimmer of hope? Is there a sliver of love?

It has been brought to my attention that this may be the reason I am now stuck. Why I have now spiraled backwards. Could it be that my ex purposely and cleverly chose the very last moment to deliver his final speech? Could it be that he wanted me to go feeling confused? That he wanted me to stay stuck in that moment of US, to always wonder if I had made a wrong choice? Could it be that he was so cunning and malicious?

It was me who chose for him to take me to the airport, it was I who wanted him to feel the pain of coming back home to an empty house. It was me who wanted him to realize how much he would miss me, how wrong he had been, and how colossal his mistake was. But it seems the joke’s on me and the tables have turned. Because it seems that now it’s me who can’t stop thinking of the life I left behind.

July 20, 2011

Lesson #8: It’s Okay to Get Angry with God. He Can Take it

by bye2mrwrong

Sometimes you just need to let out all your anger before you can find inner peace. And when there’s no one left to blame, sometimes it’s relieving to turn our anger towards the Almighty. After all, God already knows about our anger, understands its source, discerns why we are angry, and can easily handle it. And being God Himself, the deity, the divinity, the everlasting; He surely has handled many a greater things.

So get mad, get angry. Scream, yell and shout. Let it out. I’m told it’s therapeutic.

I’m not really sure if I believe in God. When things are good in my life I don’t seem to think of Him too much, let alone have conversations with Him. But when things turn bad I suddenly find myself in desperation praying, pleading, on my knees begging, and on occasion even making promises I vow to keep if He would just grant me this one wish. When I receive no reply and my wishes are not granted I seem to get disappointed in this Greater Power which was not even in my consciousness before my wish needed granting. I remember that I’m not sure He even exists. After all where is this supremely good, merciful and just God when we need him? Why does he let us endure so much misery and suffering? Why does he allow bad things to happen?

Still, I think it’s easier for people to believe in God for a multitude of reasons. As an answer to all the unexplainable mysteries in the world, or so we can accept certain things that happen to us but also at the same time so we can blame Him for all the wrong-doings in our lives. Me, I usually don’t get angry with God or point a blaming finger; but I do have a lot of questions for Him. Mostly they come in the form of Why me? Why ME!!! Or what did I do to deserve this? The answer is always the same, complete and utter silence.

What this silence means I do not know. But I can only hope that my petty, egocentric self, misjudges God and his plans for me. Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

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May 5, 2011

Forgetting You

by bye2mrwrong

Why am I still so emotional? Oh yeah, first signatures – signed! Will it ever go away all this hurt and pain? I was fine yesterday, but once night-time came I was filled with extreme sadness. I woke up this morning gloomy and depressed. He still controls my every thought. He is still prancing around in the catacombs of my mind. Why didn’t he love me? Why wasn’t I enough? And why did he choose to flight rather than fight?

 Today I saw him and I felt the need to attack. I needed to hurt. I needed to blame. I became even more cynical than I usually am. I intended to sting. And I did. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life. I know that from experience. Cause when we argue we know exactly which words will sting the sharpest, cut the deepest, scar the nastiest, and last the longest.

 It’s been a year and I still can’t let it go. And he, he still can’t take responsibility for what he’s done. He claims that it’s not the affair that caused us to split. It’s my behavior afterward. But what kind of behavior did he expect? Did he want me to just smile and be happy about it? Did he want me to say it’s OK; let’s just forget it and move on?!

 Innocently he asks: What have I ever done to you? Why do you have to be so spiteful so vindictive? Why can’t we just stay friends? I know most of the arguments we had this past year were because of me. I’m not pretending otherwise. And I’m sorry for that. I truly am. Maybe I could have been calmer. Maybe I could have tried harder. Maybe I could have been the bigger person. Maybe that would have changed the way things turned out. But what I couldn’t do was just sweep it under the rug.

He still doesn’t get it. He still doesn’t realize the scope of the damage he’s done. He doesn’t understand the pain. He has left me empty-handed to start all over again from scratch. Does he have remorse? Will he ever? Will he miss me once I’m gone?  When I ask him: Do you feel like you’ve won; he takes the words out of my mouth and my mind and replies “I haven’t won, I’ve lost. We both have. I’ve lost my best friend”.

I retort sarcastically saying: I thought she is still in the picture. But I know what he means. And I feel the same. I lost my partner, my companion,my husband and my best friend.  A friend I had for 10 years. In order to gain an equivalent friend 10 years will have to pass by. I’ll be 40 by then. To me that feels like a life time. I hope I forget him by then.

February 14, 2011

Breaking the Silence

by bye2mrwrong

In the past year my husband and I had many MANY arguments, heated discussions and fights. Days of silence and pretences would be broken with violent words flying across the room. Mostly it was hashing and rehashing of the same things that had already been said. We would shout, I would cry, tones were raised. As if screaming it any louder would make us hear better.

But it seemed to me like my husband never really heard me. Maybe he heard but he didn’t listen. Maybe he listened but he didn’t internalize, maybe he internalized but he didn’t understand, and he most definitely didn’t want to agree or admit defeat, take on the blame, the responsibility, or the guilt. So I kept repeating everything over and over again. But words were unnecessary, meaningless, and damaging. They came flying back as a boomerang straight at me, crashing in painfully, piercing me, and tearing me back down.

I talked about how ever since I graduated from University and got a job, he didn’t feel I needed him. As if my intelligence was in the way of his pride and my financial independence strained him. I tried to explain that wanting someone was better than needing them. I tried to show him the error of his ways. I pointed out how he only surrounded himself with weak people, less intelligent or savvy so that he could feel 10 feet tall, and they could praise him.

I talked about how he always defended the other woman and stuck up for her instead of me, his wife. How he was falling for her tortured soul act when she was making it look like she was the poor victim in all of this and I was the villain out to terrorize her and ruin her life.

I talked about the pain I felt when his entire family dropped me in a second, hanging up my picture so they could tear me down, so prematurely, uninviting me to family events so as not to ruin the atmosphere, or telling me they only wanted to talk about good things. Good things? What good things did I have to talk about when my life was crumbling down before my very eyes?!

I talked about how she would end up breaking the entire family, and how he had ruined what could have been the best relationship ever. I talked about my feelings; the lack of trust, the countless lies that were spoken only to be broken, the deceit. I spoke of my love and how it felt like everything I wanted to give was everything he couldn’t take. I talked, I cried, and I hopelessly prayed and wished for everything to return to normal.

Eventually my tears dried up and there was nothing left to say; only silence remained. So in the end I decided to just let the SILENCE speak for itself…

February 12, 2011

Silence

by bye2mrwrong

After writing about my monster in-laws, I guess it’s only logical that I write about my husband, my soon-to-be ex. But although many words float in my head, spinning round and round, I cannot seem to write them down. Words cannot describe how I feel.

I keep wondering about the kind of man my husband was, and the monster that he has become. I think about the kind of love he gave me; controlling, and blinding, never enough. It was an abusive love, bruising and harmful, bittersweet. Knowing now that “the one who loves the least controls the relationship” and seeing how he controlled the younger version of me, I have to wonder if maybe it was not love at all.

On my weak days I hate. I hate him for what he has done, and what he continues to do. For the blame and guilt he let me carry on my shoulders. For the affair and the behavior that came afterward. For not having fought for us. For manipulating others to believe that he tried.

I hate myself for the weakling I have become; without him, because of him. I hate that I let him control me and manipulate me. I hate how I let my relationship sabotage my confidence and my pride.  I hate feeling like a failure, ashamed that I was not good enough.

On my strong days I love. I love him for what he was for me and for the 9 years in which he made me happy. I love him for everything that I have learned from him. I love the blissful ignorance which protected me for so long. But above all I love me for the woman I have grown into because of him, without him.

While my thoughts of him still linger, we have long since parted in silence; but tears and pain have not taken away the longing memories and false sense of nostalgia I am left with in the silence of the cold and lonely nights.

November 24, 2010

If He Cheats is it Over? Paving the Path to Disaster

by bye2mrwrong

After the initial toss of angry words and accusations; on my part, I did everything I could to try to work it out. I sat with my husband, I talked to him, and I even suggested we go to counseling. I proposed the things I thought could help us go through it, and move on. I read everything I could about infidelity and I even made my husband read some of it as well. The best article I found on the net was: How to Rebuild Your Spouse’s Trust after an Affair. For a while it was my new bible. I suggest for anyone who has gone through marital infidelity to read it – especially those of you who have done the cheating.

The steps were easy enough but no matter what I tried or how much I tried, the fact that I had caught my husband in his lie was too much for him to bear…and he unlike me was doing everything possible to pave the road to disaster instead of working on rebuilding our trust and love in each other. He was doing everything opposite and against the rules.

Here are the steps (but make sure to read the whole article, it’s worth it):

  1. Stop lying
  2. Be around
  3. Do not get defensive or assign blame
  4. Treat your spouse as if they were the center of your world
  5. Cut any and all possible ties with the other man/woman
  6. Your life must be an open book
  7. Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.
  8. Do not attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouse’s recovery should take
  9. Choose your battles wisely
  10. Be prepared to get rid of items that may serve to remind your spouse of the affair.
  11. Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems.
  12. Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your spouse.

So WHAT DID MY HUSBAND DO? He kept on LYING! He confided and continued sharing his most intimate feelings and emotions with his mistress instead of me, he made her his new soul mate, he even told her my secrets. Hell he told her how much money I had in my bank account.

Worse than that, he did what no adulterous two-timing cheater should ever do. He pointed a blaming finger in my direction. Actually, he blamed everyone but himself (or her), for the whole thing. He even blamed my family, who by the way live oversees. It was my fault that he was unhappy, it was me who caused him to run to the arms of another. He was practically saying that I had put a gun to his head and forced him to cheat.

He kept seeing her behind my back; he became more and more secretive putting codes and passwords on his phone and computer, and refused to go to relationship therapy. He demanded that I calm down and get over it claiming it was a thing of the past. And to top it all off, not only did he NOT get rid of those things that made me think of her but he even BOUGHT HER CAR from her (more on that in my next blog).

Slowly but surely my husband went into withdrawal, closing the door on his relationship with me and paving the road to disaster. So the article may have not helped him in a way, but it helped me. It put things into perspective, and helped me understand what should and should not happen. It showed me that he was not trying to work on this relationship like he should be. Still I believe that this article, which comes with tips and warnings, is useful for anyone who truly wants to work on their marriage. Good luck!