Posts tagged ‘Regret’

September 6, 2011

Behind the Mask

by bye2mrwrong

Behind this mask, behind the pretty face, and that beautifully innocent smile; behind the giggles and the gentle voice, behind the pretense of confidence and self-assurance; is a vulnerable girl, damaged, broken, hurt and lonely.

A girl, who craves attention, yearns for a hug and a passionate kiss. A girl who wants to be loved and knows that she still has so much more love in her to give. A girl who wants to wake up entangled in someone else’s arms. A girl who longs for the warmth of a man, his body engulfing mine. A girl who lacks patience because she wants it all and she wants it now.

And the more I want it, the more I realize that I am alone. Alone and lonely. Feelings of loneliness ambush me especially at night. While my days may be busy and full of laughter, my nights are sleepless, endless and lonesome. On those lonely nights thoughts, uncontrollable and unwanted, invade my mind and consume me leaving me sad, mad, even enraged. Sometimes those thoughts carry on into the daylight. It can happen suddenly and it always catches me off guard. Usually it happens when I’m alone, without my mask. When I allow myself to feel. The tears well up in my eyes and I just start crying. It could be in the car while I’m driving; suddenly an old tune on the radio reminds me of him. Sometimes it’s just an old couple walking together hand in hand; the vision of them fills me with envy and remorse of that future that I so wanted and am afraid I will never have. Sometimes it’s a pregnant lady or a baby laying there so sweet and silent in their stroller, eyes twinkling with laughter looking straight at me.

I know I should learn to love myself first, before I let someone else love me. I know I should learn to enjoy myself, to be independent and on my own. Yet still I can’t help but wonder, is this life better? Can I live with this loneliness? I was happy as part of a couple. I was happy with compromising. I was satisfied in my life. Content with my comfort. I didn’t ask for much more. Why did he have to take it away from me?

I want it back, that life. Not necessarily with him. But I want the comfort. Maybe it’s that little control freak in me that just wants to know what each day will bring. No surprises, no butterflies, no highs or lows. Just an easy peaceful feeling that comes with being comfortable. With knowing the man at my side. Knowing I don’t have to impress him, but he’ll still love me. Knowing how to make him happy. Knowing he will make me smile.

I want to shed the mask, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I want to tear down the wall I built without getting hurt. I want to remove the pain that lies beneath. I want to move forward without regret of the past I once had, or the future I dreamed of.

July 27, 2011

Lesson # 17: You Can Get through Anything Life Hands You if You Stay Put in the Day You Are in and Don’t Jump Ahead

by bye2mrwrong

Do not dwell on the past.
Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Often our past haunts us. Once our mind is attacked by memories, we find ourselves pulled into the “what if” zone, the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts, and the regrets of what happened or didn’t happen. When it comes to the future, what creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future, and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand.

I understand that living in the past is nothing but wallowing in old memories. The past is gone. It’s over. We cannot change what was. So it’s best to leave it behind where it belongs. That seems logical and almost easy enough.

But what I don’t quite understand is how not to think of the future. Being the control freak that I apparently am (only according to my psychologist), it’s hard not to think of the future, plan it, sometimes even to the slightest of details, and hope it comes true.

Can I really just live in today without thinking of tomorrow? I just can’t come to grips with this idea of living in the moment. Enjoy it yes, live it to its fullest definitely, not dwell on the past sure; but not think of a future, not make plans or have goals in mind hmm. I understand the whole thing about coming to terms with the fact that I cannot and do not control everything that happens around me, or even to me. But I just can’t handle not thinking of tomorrow.

Maybe I’m seeing this too black and white, and I’m forgetting to look at the shades of gray in between. But if I didn’t plan for the future, I wouldn’t have studied, I wouldn’t have married, I wouldn’t have had goals to conquer, ambitions to achieve. Maybe this formula was only meant to ascertain that we do not dwell on the unhappy moments which were or those that could have been. So that we do not look backwards with sorrow or forwards with fear.

What do you think?

July 24, 2011

2 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back

by bye2mrwrong

About a year ago my ex-husband and I finally reached the decision that there is only one path left for us – divorce. I never really agreed completely with this path, I didn’t want it, couldn’t fathom it, but logically there was just no other way. I was constantly angry and took it out on him; he had closed up emotionally and would not talk to me at all about the breathings of his heart. Finger pointing, blaming and harsh words were the only things we were able to do at the time; and with his refusal to go to relationship therapy it left us no other choice.

At first I left the bed, then I left the house. But when circumstances led me to come back it was his turn. He left the house, and I was left empty in an apartment full of memories, full of US. At first it was hard. I sat around and moped. Felt sorry for myself. Anger and pity were two emotions perpetually in my bones. But with time something changed and with a push from my friends I started to go out, to have fun, to meet new people, I even fell in lust. It felt like I was moving forward, like I was letting go.

But skipping forward one year, I feel like I have recently taken a few steps back. Suddenly I am again very sad. My outlook on life is not a happy or chirpy one. I go through the motions. I fill up my day. I make sure that by night fall I’m so excruciatingly tired that I can think of nothing but sleep. And when it comes to love I have become skeptical, pessimistic, and cynic.

Knowing that a few months ago I was better, I can’t help but wonder what brought me back, and why I’m now stuck here. When I hear the usual clichés (e.g. things happen for a reason, or everything works out in the end), unlike before when I agreed with them, and believed them to be true, now I challenge them. I’m not sure I don’t believe them, but it feels like I’m playing devil’s advocate, pushing my friends to the corner to see if they can find a new cliché out.

On the day of my flight my ex finally apologized. An apology that at last, after all this time, felt truly authentic. An apology that came filled with tears of remorse and self-anger, filled with pain and regret. He apologized for the things he had done, for the lies he had lied, for the words he had thrown, for the pain he had caused, for the life he had ruined, for the promises he had broken, for the hopes he had shattered, for the path he had taken, and for the one he hadn’t. He apologized from the bottom of his heart.

His apology which had been long overdue, had brought me comfort, for the words he spoke were words that I had been patiently waiting for, words that I desperately needed to hear. But with that comfort came grief, remorse and regret. Could we have saved us? Should we have waited longer? Is there still a glimmer of hope? Is there a sliver of love?

It has been brought to my attention that this may be the reason I am now stuck. Why I have now spiraled backwards. Could it be that my ex purposely and cleverly chose the very last moment to deliver his final speech? Could it be that he wanted me to go feeling confused? That he wanted me to stay stuck in that moment of US, to always wonder if I had made a wrong choice? Could it be that he was so cunning and malicious?

It was me who chose for him to take me to the airport, it was I who wanted him to feel the pain of coming back home to an empty house. It was me who wanted him to realize how much he would miss me, how wrong he had been, and how colossal his mistake was. But it seems the joke’s on me and the tables have turned. Because it seems that now it’s me who can’t stop thinking of the life I left behind.

February 23, 2011

Nostalgic Moments

by bye2mrwrong

Don’t stress over people in your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

I think a defining moment in one’s life comes the minute we are able to let go of the past, live in the present and look toward the future. When we are able to stop beating ourselves up over what might have been.

But sometimes the shoulda, woulda, coulda cannot escape our minds, and fills our thoughts with grief and remorse. Vulnerable and frail, I frequently wonder about what could have been. My thoughts are drawn to those picture-perfect memories which can never be forgotten, and I succumb to an aching feeling that what’s past is past forever, and nothing can turn back the hands of time. Unable to let go of the past and that false sense of nostalgia which haunts me, I am lost in a perfect state of delusional denial.

Doubt and fear swallow me whole and I find myself trying to find fault in me. Was I good enough? Did I do my best? Could I have tried harder? I realize how unhealthy dwelling on the past is, but rummaging through our past, with melancholy and regret is nothing but unnatural. The past has value, and should not be discarded entirely; but there comes a point when it is time to stop obsessively ruminating, time to stop holding on to a past we have no control over, time to learn the hard lessons we have been taught, and permit ourselves to move on.

As hindsight is 20-20, it’s easy to look back and see what we coulda, shoulda, woulda, done.  Anyone can look back and point out past imperfections. We could drive ourselves crazy by forever wondering how we could have prevented something from happening. But how far can these questions go? (i.e. What if he never would have cheated? What if I never would have met him? What if she would never have been born?). And where is that getting us? The shoulda woulda coulda song will never lead to anything, and should be banned from our minds. So today I am finally able to let go of regret, accept the present, and let the past rest in peace.

December 6, 2010

Happy Last Birthday!

by bye2mrwrong

The title may sound gloomy and depressing, almost implying that someone is about to die. No that’s not really the case, no one is dying here. But today it’s my (soon-to-be ex) husband’s birthday.

I won’t be celebrating his birthday with him; he’ll be doing that with the mistress. I wont be hosting the family for coffee and cake, or taking him out to a fancy dinner (something that had become a tradition). Still I can’t help but reminisce over the last 10 birthdays we spent together. The countless presents I got him, every year’s gesture bigger than the last.

The first year, a few months after I met him, I got him a few of those upside down bottle dispenser, which ended up being such a brilliant gift that he decided to build a whole bar in his house. The year later I bought him a beer tender (yes there is a trend here – my husband likes to drink). A few times I bought him jewelry – once it was a bracelet, which he still wears even today, and another time I got him a ring (which he took off just recently). When he turned 30 I bought him a 3 months subscription to a gym (so he would feel fit rather than old). For another birthday I surprised him with a trip to London, and there was also that time that I took him to a dinner + show at the stand up comedy club Boom Chicago.

So this will be the last time that I get to wish him a happy birthday. The last time I buy him a present. Actually it’s already wrapped and sitting on his desk waiting to be unopened, if he ever comes home.  I’m still wondering why I’m doing it. What has he done to deserve a present from me, a card, or even the slightest bit of attention? He sure hasn’t gotten me anything the last couple years for my birthday.

For me, birthdays have always been extremely important. Hell they only happen once a year and I go as far as making a list of who called me and who forgot. When I turned the big 3–0, a birthday I deemed extremely important yet dreaded at the same time, a birthday I wanted the most to not be alone on, and secretly hoped my husband would throw me a surprise party  with all our friends and family, he decided to leave the country. Of-course it was not until later that I discovered that this was exactly while he was in the midst of his passionate love affair.

And this year when I turned 31 and the weight of the world felt like it was resting on my shoulders, again I got nothing.  Not even a card. Because what can he give or say to the woman he was planning to divorce?

Me, I know exactly what he likes, and what will make him happy (even if it’s something small).  From a bottle of Malibu to help him fall asleep, to a pair of night socks to keep his cold feet warm at night, or even just a chocolate filled marzipan bar. I wonder if SHE knows that?

All I can say is that I have the urge to be good to him, regardless of how he treated me. Maybe it’s this need to show him what he’s going to miss when I’m gone. After all, only then will he start to miss those little things about me, who I was, and what I did. And maybe just maybe, he will finally regret the mistakes he made, and appreciate what a good thing he had and lost. I know it will be too late, but the thought that he might one day MISS ME somehow gives me a bit of satisfaction.