Posts tagged ‘Anger’

July 24, 2011

2 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back

by bye2mrwrong

About a year ago my ex-husband and I finally reached the decision that there is only one path left for us – divorce. I never really agreed completely with this path, I didn’t want it, couldn’t fathom it, but logically there was just no other way. I was constantly angry and took it out on him; he had closed up emotionally and would not talk to me at all about the breathings of his heart. Finger pointing, blaming and harsh words were the only things we were able to do at the time; and with his refusal to go to relationship therapy it left us no other choice.

At first I left the bed, then I left the house. But when circumstances led me to come back it was his turn. He left the house, and I was left empty in an apartment full of memories, full of US. At first it was hard. I sat around and moped. Felt sorry for myself. Anger and pity were two emotions perpetually in my bones. But with time something changed and with a push from my friends I started to go out, to have fun, to meet new people, I even fell in lust. It felt like I was moving forward, like I was letting go.

But skipping forward one year, I feel like I have recently taken a few steps back. Suddenly I am again very sad. My outlook on life is not a happy or chirpy one. I go through the motions. I fill up my day. I make sure that by night fall I’m so excruciatingly tired that I can think of nothing but sleep. And when it comes to love I have become skeptical, pessimistic, and cynic.

Knowing that a few months ago I was better, I can’t help but wonder what brought me back, and why I’m now stuck here. When I hear the usual clichés (e.g. things happen for a reason, or everything works out in the end), unlike before when I agreed with them, and believed them to be true, now I challenge them. I’m not sure I don’t believe them, but it feels like I’m playing devil’s advocate, pushing my friends to the corner to see if they can find a new cliché out.

On the day of my flight my ex finally apologized. An apology that at last, after all this time, felt truly authentic. An apology that came filled with tears of remorse and self-anger, filled with pain and regret. He apologized for the things he had done, for the lies he had lied, for the words he had thrown, for the pain he had caused, for the life he had ruined, for the promises he had broken, for the hopes he had shattered, for the path he had taken, and for the one he hadn’t. He apologized from the bottom of his heart.

His apology which had been long overdue, had brought me comfort, for the words he spoke were words that I had been patiently waiting for, words that I desperately needed to hear. But with that comfort came grief, remorse and regret. Could we have saved us? Should we have waited longer? Is there still a glimmer of hope? Is there a sliver of love?

It has been brought to my attention that this may be the reason I am now stuck. Why I have now spiraled backwards. Could it be that my ex purposely and cleverly chose the very last moment to deliver his final speech? Could it be that he wanted me to go feeling confused? That he wanted me to stay stuck in that moment of US, to always wonder if I had made a wrong choice? Could it be that he was so cunning and malicious?

It was me who chose for him to take me to the airport, it was I who wanted him to feel the pain of coming back home to an empty house. It was me who wanted him to realize how much he would miss me, how wrong he had been, and how colossal his mistake was. But it seems the joke’s on me and the tables have turned. Because it seems that now it’s me who can’t stop thinking of the life I left behind.

July 23, 2011

Lesson #11: Make Peace with Your Past So It Doesn’t Screw Up the Present

by bye2mrwrong

Who of us hasn’t heard this cliché before in one form or another? “Learn from the past, live in the present, look to the future”, “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us”, “Yesterday was the past, tomorrow the future, today is a gift and that is why we call it the present”, “Don’t worry about the people from your past, there is a reason they didn’t make it to your future”.

So how do you get unstuck from the past that’s haunting you?  How do you stop from wondering about that someone who you left in your past? How do you let go?

 Here’s what Doctor Phil says:

  • Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.
  • Don’t give your power away. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you. By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.
  • Don’t cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
  • There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, “I’m letting this go. I’m not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore.” You can find closure in forgiveness.
  • You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now.
  • Listen to your internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself? Write them down without censoring them. Is what you’re saying fair and true? If not, generate new ways of thinking. Someone may have said horrible things to you long ago, but it’s possible you took over for them when it stopped.
  • Consider what you need to do to get emotional closure. Maybe you just need a simple apology. Find your minimal effective response – the easiest thing you can do to resolve your pain.
  • Share your experience with others. Finding a lesson in what happened can help put the experience in perspective and your emotions in check. People can thrive and suffer at the same time.

It all makes sense. But boy is it hard. Letting go of the life my ex-husband and I had planned together? Being hopeful for the life that is waiting for me alone? Letting go of dreams I dreamed, of the plans I made. Not only is it hard to fathom, but there are days when it feels unbearable.

I’m nostalgic as it is. The past always seems prettier, better, easier (especially after I’ve already overcome whichever hardships were in my way). Letting go has never been easy for me. Not with things and definitely not with people. Dare I dream new dreams and hope for a better future than the one I already had in mind?

I know that I have to move forward. Being stuck in the past isn’t healthy. But sometimes my history, OUR history smacks me in the face, and takes me backwards spiraling back to those memories; those happy moments which I wish would have lasted forever, those what if thoughts.

I want to be happy and feel complete and content in a future I did not expect. But this life I am living feels so foreign. I never imagined I would be here, in this place, without him. For many long months, it was more of a nightmare than a reality. But as the nightmare fades and I inch back into reality, I face a present with no clear direction or goals. What’s next? The future looks scary and lonely.

So, how do I dream again? How do I begin my new, different, and solo future? Lesson #2 said to start by taking small baby steps. It’s time to take a step.

July 20, 2011

Lesson #8: It’s Okay to Get Angry with God. He Can Take it

by bye2mrwrong

Sometimes you just need to let out all your anger before you can find inner peace. And when there’s no one left to blame, sometimes it’s relieving to turn our anger towards the Almighty. After all, God already knows about our anger, understands its source, discerns why we are angry, and can easily handle it. And being God Himself, the deity, the divinity, the everlasting; He surely has handled many a greater things.

So get mad, get angry. Scream, yell and shout. Let it out. I’m told it’s therapeutic.

I’m not really sure if I believe in God. When things are good in my life I don’t seem to think of Him too much, let alone have conversations with Him. But when things turn bad I suddenly find myself in desperation praying, pleading, on my knees begging, and on occasion even making promises I vow to keep if He would just grant me this one wish. When I receive no reply and my wishes are not granted I seem to get disappointed in this Greater Power which was not even in my consciousness before my wish needed granting. I remember that I’m not sure He even exists. After all where is this supremely good, merciful and just God when we need him? Why does he let us endure so much misery and suffering? Why does he allow bad things to happen?

Still, I think it’s easier for people to believe in God for a multitude of reasons. As an answer to all the unexplainable mysteries in the world, or so we can accept certain things that happen to us but also at the same time so we can blame Him for all the wrong-doings in our lives. Me, I usually don’t get angry with God or point a blaming finger; but I do have a lot of questions for Him. Mostly they come in the form of Why me? Why ME!!! Or what did I do to deserve this? The answer is always the same, complete and utter silence.

What this silence means I do not know. But I can only hope that my petty, egocentric self, misjudges God and his plans for me. Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

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March 6, 2011

Victim of Love

by bye2mrwrong

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes
The greater is their power to harm us

Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

For a long time I’ve pondered why I deserved this fate? What have I done to warrant such unending pain? Who have I wronged? And why am I being punished?  I played the victim and I played the part flawlessly with a passion. The fragile weakling that got burned; shot through the heart, and stabbed in the back, through no fault of her own. Playing the victim role allowed me to gain self-worth, after all I did nothing wrong – I was the good guy. And it allowed me to gain people’s pity and sympathy.

In retrospect saying “poor me” kept me chronically passive, and powerless. And while that part, so easy to play, became me for some time, suddenly I realize that as long as I play the victim I will not be able to move on. I will not be able to mend my broken heart. Resentment has held me back; for we only resent people to the extent that we have given away our power to them. So now after a year of anger and resentment, with courage and pride I am taking my power back. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I just want to move on. So I am letting go of the victim role. And I have found it in myself to accept, forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget he ever existed.

December 11, 2010

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Divorce

by bye2mrwrong

If you’re going through a break-up or a divorce, and if you’re anything like me, you must have devoured all the articles, psychological digests, and relationship blogs there are on the topic.  And by now you’ve heard consistently that when you break up you go through pretty much 5 stages of emotions: Denial, Pain, Anger & Resentment, Depression, and Acceptance.

So having read about it for the zillionth time, I had half expected everything to go smoothly and precisely as all the articles explain. I wish I could say it was that simple for me. That the stages went exactly in that order without any hindrances or backlashes. That I could see the progression as I moved from one step to the next. But to be honest it wasn’t. Come to think of it, those articles never give a time constraint on these emotions, do they? So yes I went through those stages. But I went through them time and again, back and forth, repeatedly. Reliving the emotions I thought I had already passed over and over again.

I guess you could say that I was already in DENIAL long before I found out about my husband’s infidelity. In retrospect I can see now that I had been keeping my eyes wide shut, denying the truth for a long time. Spineless and afraid of what would happen if I confronted it, what I might lose. The signs were there, I just didn’t want to believe them.

Then when I finally did find out the PAIN was immense and it consumed me. Not only was it an emotional pain but it was physical as well. I was sick from disgust, I wanted to throw up, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep.  I screamed, I yelled, I cried.

But unlike what you read about wanting time alone – for me it was exactly the opposite. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted my husband to show me that he wanted to be with me. I wanted affection and love. Sure he had just given his love to another, but I wanted him now to give it to me. Now more than ever I wanted him to become what he never was before – affectionate.

And though you expect at this point to draw your lines, get angry, and say NO MORE, DENIAL crept in again when my husband first mentioned the D word. All I could think was “this isn’t happening to me”. I was not going to get divorced. Not for the life of me. Divorce was just not an option. I was going to fix this marriage, if it killed me. My husband would never really leave me. After 10 years together he would surely choose me over her.

But as the weeks passed by and there were no signs of repair, PAIN was slowly sinking in again. My husband was not coming to his senses, as I had irrefutably expected. I couldn’t believe that this was really happening. That after 10 years together, we couldn’t find a way to make it work. We couldn’t reach a compromise.  This time the pain was different. It stemmed from bereavement for the love I had lost, embarrassment for what had happened, shame that I couldn’t keep my marriage going, and hurt that I had been deceived. I felt like a failure. I was not a good enough wife, lover, or friend.

This time however, my pain was mixed with feelings of ANGER & RESENTMENT. At this point I was still not blaming my husband. It was not his fault. He was also a victim of this temptress. He had fallen into her spider web, through no fault of his own. I was mad at her, the girl who had stolen my husband away from me. And I was going to make her pay for it. Irrational thinking and violent ideas consumed me. I would wreck her car, scratch it, puncture the tires, or even loosen the wiring. I would tell the world who she was, and what she was capable of. I would make her ashamed to walk into work, to go to church, or even to look in her father’s eyes. I had many violent dreams and even hallucinations of choking her, of hitting her. Thoughts of seeing her and what I would do or say had become an obsession.

As time passed by I became bitter. I had been keeping this dark secret inside me for so long with no friends to share it with, no outlet to relieve the pain. I had become quiet and recluse. I had stopped calling my family, stopped meeting with my friends, afraid that I If did, I would let it all out.  The only people who knew now were my psychologist (who at the time I didn’t feel was helping as he was playing devils advocate) and my husband’s parents (who took a distant neutral stand, so as not to get their hands dirty).

Out of desperation, I began trying to negotiate anything and everything to try to save the relationship. I began compromising my true feelings. I asked him what I could do to change. What was he missing from ME in our relationship? I did everything in my power to please him. I took him out to dinners; I booked us a weekend get-away. I agreed that SHE could stay working with my husband, if he promised not to speak to her. We both knew this was not possible. I was being subservient and slowly I was loosing me.

But everyone has a red line that cannot be crossed, a point of no return, something that just jolts you out of your dream, and wakes you up. The affair had been my line, my border. We were standing right on it, wobbling from side to side. But I was trying so very hard to shut it up, to ignore it. Until he went too far, told another lie (bought the slutty red car) and pushed me over the edge.

At this point, I let everything out. And with that came relief; relief that no one was angry at me, or disappointed with me, or saw me as a failure. But with relief came the realization that the breakup was really happening and I was no longer in control. Had I ever been in control?

DEPRESSION brought with it more pain and sadness, more tears and feelings of loneliness and regret; regret for the things I haven’t done, or maybe did wrong. Questions like “Did I do everything I could?” “Is this my fault?” “Was I not good enough?” crossed my mind.

After depression came more anger, more resentment. My blaming finger was pointed at everyone. His dad for not talking some sense into him, his mom for having already taken my pictures off her wall, his brother for dating the slut (that’s another story in itself) and thus making sure that she was now an inseparable part of this family, and his friends for supporting him through HIS difficult time. I was angry at everyone and anyone that was even slightly on his side. But most of all my anger was directed at my husband. He had made the choice of having the affair, and he made the choice that he wouldn’t stop talking to his mistress, and he made the choice of continuing to lie to me. There was no excuse. Yes, she wasn’t a saint and had her share in the blame, but temptations are part of life, they always have been; and he should have just said no.

So where am I now? I’ve finally reached ACCEPTANCE. But even that has gradual stages, setbacks and at times allows pain and depression to creep in. It started with first accepting that his friends and family are HIS friends and family, and that they are there to support him, no matter what he did. Then came a higher level of acceptance. Accepting that maybe this is for the best; that maybe this affair happened so that I would open my eyes to the kind of life I was living. Finally see how I was really being treated. And now there’s the last level of acceptance. The one where I realize I deserve better, the one where I’m really moving on, going out, socializing and secretly excited for what lies ahead.

November 22, 2010

Getting Caught!

by bye2mrwrong

Why do men always think that they will get away with cheating?
Do they think we’re stupid? or just blind?
Or do they just expect that flowers and gifts will cover it all up?

When it hit me that my husband was having an affair my body started shivering all over. I screamed, I yelled, I fell to the ground, I cried. I was in pain; I was angry, upset, disgusted, and devastated. I had never had so many emotions all in once. It was unbearable.

A few hours passed by before my husband came back home….and there it was the moment of truth. But as I sat there, ready to approach him, I amazed myself. Because the only thing I wanted was not to yell at him, or hit him, or even bite his head off. I just wanted to hold him and for him to hold me. I wanted him to tell me how much he loved me and no one else, to tell me that it was just a stupid mistake. After all everyone makes mistakes. I wanted for us to work it out. So much so, that against my better judgment and my usually  unforgiving nature, I was willing to forgive, to let bygones be bygones, to find a way to repair and move on. This was the love of my life…and I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. I wasn’t ready to let him go.

Unfortunately it wasn’t about what I wanted, and life wasn’t just going to hand anything to me on a silver platter. My husband’s first reaction to this “insane” accusation of mine was denial. Still I wasn’t willing to back down. I gave him a second chance to redeem himself and tell the truth; but once again he shook his head and contested to my “absurd” allegations. After the third time, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a liar and that I knew it. I had found out everything there was to know, I had the proof in my hands and there was no sweeping it under the rug.

He was stunned, flabbergasted. In retrospect I guess he just couldn’t think of any excuses on the spot. And so he gave in and confessed. But not even two minutes passed by and his mood suddenly changed into that of anger. How dare I have snooped in his personal stuff? How dare I betray his trust like that? I was the crazy, jealous wife, who was going through his things, spying on him. And this was something he could not forgive me for. He needed to show me that I was in the wrong and put me back in my place. This was of-course what I would later realize to be the beginning of the end.

But at that moment in time,under all the anger and disappointment I knew that what he was really feeling was shock and dread. He had underestimated me, misjudged my intelligence, and now had to deal with the grief, torture and aggravation of having been caught.