Posts tagged ‘Wasted Time’

September 12, 2011

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

by bye2mrwrong


You would cry too if it happened to you. Yes it’s my birthday and I am officially old. I know I said that last year and the year before that too. But at least back then my life seemed to be on track. I had a great job, a wonderful husband, and I was already entertaining the thought of having kids. Now it’s all just fallen to pieces. And I can’t seem to get them back into place. No amount of glue seems to be able to place those pieces where they belong and keep them together. So in the deep of the night, when I can’t fall asleep, and my thoughts haunt me, I secretly fall apart.

I HATE him. I really do. For making me vulnerable. For making me endure so much pain. For hurting me like I never knew someone could hurt. For making false promises. For feeding me lies. For wasting my time. For taking the best years of my life. For throwing them away. For making me love him, but not loving me enough.  For wanting to stay friends now that we are divorced. For asking about me and showing interest. For knowing how to manipulate me. For the greatest mind f#uck of all times. For making me feel guilty, even now. For making me feel like a victim. For taking me away from my comfort zone. For making me have to start a brand new life. For making me doubt myself. For making me so insecure. For loving her. For making me feel so unloved. For making me feel unworthy. For making me feel I wasn’t enough. For making me feel unsexy. For making me feel I will never get what I want in love, in life. For making me lose faith yet still have hope. For making me a skeptic, yet not enough to protect my heart. For making me feel I should just settle for Mr. Right now, rather than Mr. Right. For making me crave the touch of a man. For making me miss being hugged. For making me feel miserable and lonely. For the depression that attacks me especially at night. For not loving me unconditionally until death do us part. For creeping into my thoughts and somehow controlling them. For breaking me, and shattering my heart. For not being the one.

I hate him for doing this to me. Or am I doing this to myself? Maybe I hate me.

August 16, 2011

Lesson #30: The Passage of Time Heals Almost Everything. Give Time Time

by bye2mrwrong

How many times have people tried to comfort us with the slogan: “It takes time to heal”. I know I’ve heard it plenty. And every time the only thing I can think of is: “…but how long?”

Yup this lesson is a lesson of patience. In this lesson we must learn that we cannot rush our wounds to heal, our hearts to mend, or our minds to let go. Some things just take time.

But before I came to the realization that times takes time, I definitely can attest to being guilty of trying to rush the process. It didn’t take long before I started dating again. Before I went out, danced, flirted, and gave men that look. It actually was even extremely short before I met my rebound, before I fell in lust, and before I found myself shattered yet again. I was a broken girl on a mission. Find my next victim. Search and conquer. Hunt down Mr. Right.

But not giving myself enough time to grieve my loss did not help me heal. I’ve said before that I feel like after taking 2 steps forward, I’ve taken 2 steps back. To that one of my readers commented saying that maybe I hadn’t fallen backwards, but rather hadn’t gotten as far ahead as I thought; adding that often instead of grieving we immerse ourselves in little distractions, thinking we’ve moved on. He was so right. Hastily rushing, jumping from one relationship to the next is exactly that, a distraction from feeling the pain, a distraction from grieving the loss, a distraction from healing.

So I’ve decided to take a breather. Pause and stop trying to rush forward. While I may have a biological clock ticking, I also have a heart that needs  to go through some stitching, mending and an extensive recovery.  So meanwhile, until I heal. Until I feel that I can open my heart again. Until I long once more for warmth and comfort from a man rather than my family. Until I yearn for passionate kisses. Until I unlock myself to the new world around me… I have sheltered myself from new pain to seep in. I have built up a wall around the shattered pieces of my heart.

And when the time is right maybe Mr. Right might find a way to chip at that wall and slowly tear it down. Or maybe time itself will find a way of melting the barriers that have been built, opening my heart up again to a fresh new start.

August 1, 2011

You Are In Charge

by bye2mrwrong

Lesson #20: When It Comes to Going after What You Love in Life, Don’t Take NO for an Answer

Lesson #21: Burn the Candles, Use the Nice Sheets, Wear the Fancy Lingerie. Don’t Save Anything for a Special Occasion. Today is Special Enough

Lesson #25: No One Else is in Charge of Your Happiness. You are the CEO of Your Joy

In three lessons Regina Brett, the author of this amazing book, has taught me that I am the master of my own happiness. It is up to me and me alone to make ME happy. It is my responsibility to create the life I desire, to pursue my dreams, to be happy.

Often we try to alter our internal state of unhappiness by looking toward the outside world for positive triggers to make us happy. But it’s not up to anyone else to make you happy.  Not your mother, your father, your spouse, your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your kids, your boss, your colleagues, your friends, your horoscope. It’s up to you and you alone.

One “NO” should not cause our dreams to shatter, our hearts to break, or our hopes to crush. We should never surrender our dreams to someone else’s no. There are many bumps in the road but they should not stop us. And they should not control our happiness. So yes I may sometimes go back into feeling stuck, or look to the future and feel fear, I may be sad and gloomy about the present. But it is my choice to either wallow in self-pity or simply stop and ask myself what will make me happy now. Happy or miserable; it takes the same amount of time.

So should I wait for something or someone to make me happy?  Or would I be wiser to make my own happiness now? I think we all know the answer to that one. Don’t wait to do something special later, in a future that may never come. Life is short. The only time that matters is NOW.

January 26, 2011

Sweet Revenge (Part II)

by bye2mrwrong

One of my co-bloggers wrote that “If another woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him.” While I’m not sure how I feel about this, maybe it is the best revenge. Maybe my husband, his brother and the mistress/slut are on the same level, and therefore deserve each other.

My husband has been looking quite bad lately. Actually I think he looks a bit like a terrorist these days. He’s become super skinny (with no woman to cook for him), he shaved off his beautiful golden hair which I loved so much (most likely to spite me), and he’s grown this long, dark heavy beard (just because he can’t bother to take care of himself and no one else seems to).

Actually I say this, but the fact of the matter is that I haven’t seen him for over a month. I know he comes home sometimes to pick up the mail; but he always does it when I’m not around. I think it has something to do with the guilt. Or at least that’s what I would like to believe.

Last night I heard that it’s over. The brother has dumped the slut and has asked her to leave his house this week. I can’t help but wonder what happened. Has the awful truth finally come out? Did he find out the child is not his? Did he catch her cheating? Has he just had enough of this twisted threesome? And what happens now? Will she keep the baby? And who will take responsibility for it?

I’m not sure how I feel about this all. On the one hand I am a bit upset. Upset because it seems almost a shame that my 10 years have been wasted and are lost, for this one-year, short-lived, and terribly agonizing relationship they had. I want to just scream at both the brothers: Was she worth it? A part of me would even prefer that they would endure this miserable relationship, full of lies and deceit, a bit longer.

But on the other hand I am pleased; pleased that this distorted relationship has crashed in their face, and will be their downfall. That now as the truth comes out, and eyes are beginning to open, this family will be torn apart by their own doing. For so long it has been me who has been falling apart. Finally I can sit back and watch them come undone. I wonder if this is karma beginning to show its face, if this is the taste of sweet revenge?!

January 13, 2011

Wasted Time

by bye2mrwrong

In our lives there are many moments when we wait. As kids we wait to go to big school, we wait to get a bike without training wheels; we wait for our turn on the computer, or in line for a roller coaster ride. We wait impatiently to be chosen for a team in sports class and hope we won’t get picked last, we wait for our exam results and pray to God we passed. We wait for our dinner to be ready as our stomach makes growling sounds, and most of all we wait to grow up.

As teens we wait for our life to begin, we wait for people to treat us like the adults we believe we are. We wait to get our driver’s license, we wait for a phone call from that special someone we have a crush on, and above all we wait to be at a legal drinking age so that the real fun can start.

And as adults we keep on waiting. We wait for a reaction to that resume we sent in last week, or for a work meeting to start. We wait for a friend to show up and get a bit annoyed when they are late yet again, and we wait to meet our soul mate. We wait, we hope, we dream, and we look back at what we left behind.

But is our time so invaluable, so un-precious, that we should spend it waiting? What if it’s all just wasted time? What are we really waiting for? Shouldn’t we learn from the past and look to the future, seize the day, and make things happen instead of waiting for faith, or destiny to strike?!

For the past year my life has been a waiting game. While everyone’s life around me continues; friends are getting promotions, changing jobs, getting engaged, having babies, and meeting new loves; my life has been on hold, worse, it has come to a complete stop.

I’m so sick of it, so tired of waiting. I see the lines underneath my eyes (is that tiredness or depression?), the wrinkles in my face; and the white hairs starting to show. And I hear that biological clock tick away as it realizes that it is now further than ever from what just yesterday seemed so close by. I’m tired of fighting with my own demons, tired of crying, tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of being angry at everyone around me and tired of worrying that it’s all been wasted time.

And that’s exactly what I feel; it’s what I’m afraid of. My life wasted away even more as I wait for something no longer under my control. Waiting for the divorce to go through, for signatures to be signed, and inventory to be appraised. Waiting for a reaction from my lawyer, or a reaction from his. Waiting for the tears to stop falling, and the pain to go away. Waiting for karma to show its true face and for the universe to balance out. Waiting for my good deeds to be rewarded, and for his bad deeds to be punished. I am waiting until I can stop my mind from wondering what I left behind, and from worrying ’bout this wasted time.

“Well baby, there you stand, With your little head down in your hand. Oh my god, you can’t believe it’s happening again. Your baby’s gone and you’re all alone, and it looks like the end. You’re back out on the street. And you’re trying to remember. How will you start it over? You don’t know if you can. You don’t care much for a stranger’s touch, but you can’t hold your man. You never thought you’d be alone this far down the line.  And I know what’s been on your mind. You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time. The autumn leaves have got you thinking. About the first time that you fell. You didn’t love the boy too much. You just loved the boy to well. So you live from day-to-day. And you dream about tomorrow. And the hours go by like minutes, and the shadows come to stay. So you take a little something to make them go away. And I could have done so many things, baby. If I could only stop my mind. From wondering what I left behind. And from worrying ’bout this wasted time. Another love has come and gone. And the years keep rushing on. I remember what you told me before you went out on your own: ’Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone’. So you can get on with your search, baby. And I can get on with mine. And maybe someday we will find,That it wasn’t really wasted time.” The Eagles