Archive for March, 2011

March 16, 2011

My Perfect Ring of Scars

by bye2mrwrong

I’ve been asked many times why I still wear my wedding band. My husband took his off a few months ago. Till this day I wonder if he did it because he met someone else, was told it was inappropriate, or maybe just because he didn’t want to be reminded of me every time he looked down at his finger.

I’ve talked to people who told me they took theirs off as soon as they realized that the marriage was falling apart, that it wasn’t worth anything. Me, I don’t want to take mine off. And if I don’t want to I shouldn’t have to, right?!

First of all, it was an expensive ring, and it’s stunningly beautiful. It took me and my husband months to find the perfect matching rings. We searched for it high and low, in 3 different countries, until we laid eyes on the just the right one.

Second, sometimes when I’m going out and I get hit on by ridiculously drunk, or just horrendously ugly, stupid or just not my type men; I lift my hand up and explain that I’m married. I know, I know it’s a little bit of a white lie since OK officially I am still married, but in reality I’m actually practically divorced. But it gets me out of difficult situation easily without breaking any hearts.

But it’s not the beauty of it, or even its practical use that keeps me wearing it. It’s also not because I’m still partly taken. Definitely not. It’s just that this ring is a reminder of who I used to be, of my life before. Of the man I chose and loved. Of the dreams I hoped for with him. It’s a reminder of the extremely young, innocent and naïve person I used to be, and the broken image of that person that is left now.

I’m not saying I will never take it off. Maybe one day I won’t have the need any more to be reminded. Or maybe I will be OK with moving forward, without looking back. And of-course if another man comes along and replaces this ring with another, then I guess I won’t mind.

But for now it is my perfect ring of scars.

March 10, 2011

My Favorite Mistake

by bye2mrwrong

Every story has an ending. We grow up hearing about the fairy tales. Those are the stories with the good endings, the happily ever after. But life is not a fairy tale.

Although no one has ever escaped the inevitability of a heartbreak, and many loves end, for a long time I felt that this ending was cursed. This love as long as it was… felt too short.  Now as we look into each others eyes, there is no love. There are only two strangers, and the fire that burned between us has died.

There was a time though that I walked down the streets searching for your familiar face within the crowds. A twist of longing burning at my side left me with an old craving that wouldn’t leave me in peace. It destroyed my nights leaving me awake to ponder as a wave of wild fantasies flew through me and I lost reality for however brief a moment. As my head dropped on the pillow each night, I wondered what I was searching for, what I was chasing after. As I lay naked in our bed, I was reminded of how you invaded me, desecrated me. And as I closed my eyes I tried in vain to remember your face, the touch of your skin, and the softness of your lips. I imagined you holding me, loving me all over again.  All I wanted then was to touch you, just one last time. I wanted to feel you close to me.

But when the dawn finally came, an old memory arose and reminded me… debts cannot be paid with empty hands. You have been expelled from my sky, and words cannot cover the silence or sadness in my eyes. All that is left now are a few moments in my imagination to hold on to. And although I have not forgiven you, you will always be my favorite mistake, a scar branded into my soul. With pain in my heart and tears in my eyes I say goodbye to life I thought I had designed for me. I have accepted my new fate. Here our paths part.

March 6, 2011

Victim of Love

by bye2mrwrong

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes
The greater is their power to harm us

Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

For a long time I’ve pondered why I deserved this fate? What have I done to warrant such unending pain? Who have I wronged? And why am I being punished?  I played the victim and I played the part flawlessly with a passion. The fragile weakling that got burned; shot through the heart, and stabbed in the back, through no fault of her own. Playing the victim role allowed me to gain self-worth, after all I did nothing wrong – I was the good guy. And it allowed me to gain people’s pity and sympathy.

In retrospect saying “poor me” kept me chronically passive, and powerless. And while that part, so easy to play, became me for some time, suddenly I realize that as long as I play the victim I will not be able to move on. I will not be able to mend my broken heart. Resentment has held me back; for we only resent people to the extent that we have given away our power to them. So now after a year of anger and resentment, with courage and pride I am taking my power back. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I just want to move on. So I am letting go of the victim role. And I have found it in myself to accept, forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget he ever existed.