Lesson #8: It’s Okay to Get Angry with God. He Can Take it

Sometimes you just need to let out all your anger before you can find inner peace. And when there’s no one left to blame, sometimes it’s relieving to turn our anger towards the Almighty. After all, God already knows about our anger, understands its source, discerns why we are angry, and can easily handle it. And being God Himself, the deity, the divinity, the everlasting; He surely has handled many a greater things.

So get mad, get angry. Scream, yell and shout. Let it out. I’m told it’s therapeutic.

I’m not really sure if I believe in God. When things are good in my life I don’t seem to think of Him too much, let alone have conversations with Him. But when things turn bad I suddenly find myself in desperation praying, pleading, on my knees begging, and on occasion even making promises I vow to keep if He would just grant me this one wish. When I receive no reply and my wishes are not granted I seem to get disappointed in this Greater Power which was not even in my consciousness before my wish needed granting. I remember that I’m not sure He even exists. After all where is this supremely good, merciful and just God when we need him? Why does he let us endure so much misery and suffering? Why does he allow bad things to happen?

Still, I think it’s easier for people to believe in God for a multitude of reasons. As an answer to all the unexplainable mysteries in the world, or so we can accept certain things that happen to us but also at the same time so we can blame Him for all the wrong-doings in our lives. Me, I usually don’t get angry with God or point a blaming finger; but I do have a lot of questions for Him. Mostly they come in the form of Why me? Why ME!!! Or what did I do to deserve this? The answer is always the same, complete and utter silence.

What this silence means I do not know. But I can only hope that my petty, egocentric self, misjudges God and his plans for me. Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

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Moment of Truth

I just had an enlightened moment. All this time I had this feeling that I had lowered my standards. That I had lost myself in this game of love. I lost the girl who had hopes. I lost the will to have dreams. I lost my self-confidence, forgot who I was and let myself be defined by the men in my life.

But suddenly it hit me. I don’t have to search for me at all, because I never lost me. I’ve always been here. The girl who always believed and the woman who makes her own choices in life.

Yes I came to this country for a man, for love.  But given the chance I’d do it again. Not because a man asked me to, but because I want to, for me. I didn’t do it because I was weak, I did it because it’s what I wanted. I chose to move, I chose to take a chance on love, on life. I chose the road that I walked on. I chose my fate, my destiny, my life. And while I was happy with my man, I was happy with my choice. So yes, some women will make fewer compromises than I. They will follow their career. They live to work. Me, I work to live. And instead of following a career, I followed my heart. A career I can make anywhere I choose. And I chose to make it next to the one I loved.

And now that this story has come to an end; I may be less naïve and trusting than before. And I may be more cynical. I may be more sheltered. And I may be more skeptical. But I am still willing to give up everything for love, as long as in the process I don’t give up the most important thing of all: ME.

I AM…
“I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL, AND A GROWN WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING AND CARING AND THOUGHTFUL AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, AND CAREFUL AND CARELESS. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED, AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHILE I’M DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION BUT NOT TRUE LOVE. I LOVE YOU AND I PUSH YOU AWAY. I WANT YOU BUT NOT SO CLOSE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE AND ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME. ”

Karma or Luck

Karma can be
the wisest teacher
the harshest punisher
and the most beautiful reward

“According to the seed that’s sown,
So is the fruit you reap there from,
Doer of good will gather good,
Doer of evil, evil reaps,
Down is the seed and thou shalt taste
The fruit thereof.”

 

 So many people are telling me to believe in karma. The stars will align and the eventually karma will catch up with him. “What goes around comes around”. I’ve been waiting for karma to show its true face and for the universe to balance out, waiting for my good deeds to be rewarded, and for his bad deeds to be punished. But if I am to believe in karma then I have to trust that I must have done something bad in order to deserve this bad karma that has been bestowed upon me. And OK let’s say that is the case, is my bad Karma gone now? Have I paid my dues? Should I expect good Karma now?

Hmmm… I’m not really sure about any of this. I don’t know what to believe in anymore. God, Stars, Astrology, Fate, Destiny, Good Karma, Bad Karma or maybe just plain old Luck. 

Victim of Love

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes
The greater is their power to harm us

Too often we assume that God should allow us to live without pain. We assume that we know what’s best for us. But we should never assume that we know God’s plan. For what may seem like a big and at times sad, painful or disappointing incident for us may be something small in the long line of chain-events which are meant to happen. It may be part of our destiny.

For a long time I’ve pondered why I deserved this fate? What have I done to warrant such unending pain? Who have I wronged? And why am I being punished?  I played the victim and I played the part flawlessly with a passion. The fragile weakling that got burned; shot through the heart, and stabbed in the back, through no fault of her own. Playing the victim role allowed me to gain self-worth, after all I did nothing wrong – I was the good guy. And it allowed me to gain people’s pity and sympathy.

In retrospect saying “poor me” kept me chronically passive, and powerless. And while that part, so easy to play, became me for some time, suddenly I realize that as long as I play the victim I will not be able to move on. I will not be able to mend my broken heart. Resentment has held me back; for we only resent people to the extent that we have given away our power to them. So now after a year of anger and resentment, with courage and pride I am taking my power back. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I just want to move on. So I am letting go of the victim role. And I have found it in myself to accept, forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget he ever existed.