Archive for February, 2011

February 27, 2011

Wishful Thinking

by bye2mrwrong

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

The human brain is a wonderful organ. It’s verbal, logical analytical, intuitive, creative and emotional. But sometimes an overactive mind can start playing tricks on us. We find ourselves caught in the shoulda, woulda, coulda thoughts about a past we no longer have control of, reliving moments and events we should have long ago left behind. At other times we find ourselves caught in the realm of “what if”, daydreaming, imagining and fantasizing of an alternative future we could have only hoped for.

I’ve been pondering over the “what if” question for some time now. My husband’s affair as well as our separation has taught me so much and I have grown from it. But it makes me wonder: if I’ve grown, learned and matured from this experience then he must have too, right?! So what if now a wiser man and wiser women would meet again? Could they be happy together? Would they now withstand the tests laid down before them? What if we stayed? What if we tried?

There is something strangely passive and even abusive about the “what if” question. All of these ‘what ifs’ usually amount to nothing. Yet the thoughts come uninvited and always seem to hold such force on us; haunting us, spinning in our minds, weighing on our hearts.

One of the saddest things in a break-up is the imaginary future that you’ll never have with the person who you have now left behind. This inability to accept incompatibility or just the fact that we had grown apart as individuals is emotionally draining. But I know now that it is not him that I miss or love but the concept, the picture I had in my mind. So I realize that while some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes being strong means letting go.

February 23, 2011

Nostalgic Moments

by bye2mrwrong

Don’t stress over people in your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

I think a defining moment in one’s life comes the minute we are able to let go of the past, live in the present and look toward the future. When we are able to stop beating ourselves up over what might have been.

But sometimes the shoulda, woulda, coulda cannot escape our minds, and fills our thoughts with grief and remorse. Vulnerable and frail, I frequently wonder about what could have been. My thoughts are drawn to those picture-perfect memories which can never be forgotten, and I succumb to an aching feeling that what’s past is past forever, and nothing can turn back the hands of time. Unable to let go of the past and that false sense of nostalgia which haunts me, I am lost in a perfect state of delusional denial.

Doubt and fear swallow me whole and I find myself trying to find fault in me. Was I good enough? Did I do my best? Could I have tried harder? I realize how unhealthy dwelling on the past is, but rummaging through our past, with melancholy and regret is nothing but unnatural. The past has value, and should not be discarded entirely; but there comes a point when it is time to stop obsessively ruminating, time to stop holding on to a past we have no control over, time to learn the hard lessons we have been taught, and permit ourselves to move on.

As hindsight is 20-20, it’s easy to look back and see what we coulda, shoulda, woulda, done.  Anyone can look back and point out past imperfections. We could drive ourselves crazy by forever wondering how we could have prevented something from happening. But how far can these questions go? (i.e. What if he never would have cheated? What if I never would have met him? What if she would never have been born?). And where is that getting us? The shoulda woulda coulda song will never lead to anything, and should be banned from our minds. So today I am finally able to let go of regret, accept the present, and let the past rest in peace.

February 17, 2011

Cheating the System

by bye2mrwrong

Today I got a second nationality. I stood in front of an audience including the mayor of this city and pledged my allegiance to this country. It was such a strange feeling. I’ve been here for 10 years. 10 years as foreigner. But today I am no longer that foreigner anymore. I am a proud and legal citizen of this country like everyone else.

I waited for this day for so long in anticipation; the day where I would have full rights in this country, the day where I would no longer be dependent on my husband to live here. And finally after immigration exams testing my society, language, and cultural knowledge, after filling many application forms, talking to countless officials, and paying hundreds of dollars, the day has come.

But expectations are a funny thing. There are no expectations without disappointments. And maybe this is the reason that today was not as happy a day as it should have been. I expected my husband to be there at my side as I got this notorious piece of paper. But it wasn’t my husband who was there with me. Instead it was a friend who came to support me, to take pictures of this glorious moment and to celebrate with me in this joyful ceremony.

And although a part of me was happy and even excited to a point where I did wipe away a tear or two; the other part of me felt a bit like a traitor. Maybe because this isn’t how I had hoped for it to be, or maybe because it no longer means to me what it did a few months ago. But somewhere deep in me I felt like I was cheating the system. After all, how ironic is it to get the nationality, the passport, the recognition now; right when I actually plan on leaving this country. Right when this country means nothing more to me, and all I want is to go back to mine.

February 14, 2011

Breaking the Silence

by bye2mrwrong

In the past year my husband and I had many MANY arguments, heated discussions and fights. Days of silence and pretences would be broken with violent words flying across the room. Mostly it was hashing and rehashing of the same things that had already been said. We would shout, I would cry, tones were raised. As if screaming it any louder would make us hear better.

But it seemed to me like my husband never really heard me. Maybe he heard but he didn’t listen. Maybe he listened but he didn’t internalize, maybe he internalized but he didn’t understand, and he most definitely didn’t want to agree or admit defeat, take on the blame, the responsibility, or the guilt. So I kept repeating everything over and over again. But words were unnecessary, meaningless, and damaging. They came flying back as a boomerang straight at me, crashing in painfully, piercing me, and tearing me back down.

I talked about how ever since I graduated from University and got a job, he didn’t feel I needed him. As if my intelligence was in the way of his pride and my financial independence strained him. I tried to explain that wanting someone was better than needing them. I tried to show him the error of his ways. I pointed out how he only surrounded himself with weak people, less intelligent or savvy so that he could feel 10 feet tall, and they could praise him.

I talked about how he always defended the other woman and stuck up for her instead of me, his wife. How he was falling for her tortured soul act when she was making it look like she was the poor victim in all of this and I was the villain out to terrorize her and ruin her life.

I talked about the pain I felt when his entire family dropped me in a second, hanging up my picture so they could tear me down, so prematurely, uninviting me to family events so as not to ruin the atmosphere, or telling me they only wanted to talk about good things. Good things? What good things did I have to talk about when my life was crumbling down before my very eyes?!

I talked about how she would end up breaking the entire family, and how he had ruined what could have been the best relationship ever. I talked about my feelings; the lack of trust, the countless lies that were spoken only to be broken, the deceit. I spoke of my love and how it felt like everything I wanted to give was everything he couldn’t take. I talked, I cried, and I hopelessly prayed and wished for everything to return to normal.

Eventually my tears dried up and there was nothing left to say; only silence remained. So in the end I decided to just let the SILENCE speak for itself…

February 12, 2011

Silence

by bye2mrwrong

After writing about my monster in-laws, I guess it’s only logical that I write about my husband, my soon-to-be ex. But although many words float in my head, spinning round and round, I cannot seem to write them down. Words cannot describe how I feel.

I keep wondering about the kind of man my husband was, and the monster that he has become. I think about the kind of love he gave me; controlling, and blinding, never enough. It was an abusive love, bruising and harmful, bittersweet. Knowing now that “the one who loves the least controls the relationship” and seeing how he controlled the younger version of me, I have to wonder if maybe it was not love at all.

On my weak days I hate. I hate him for what he has done, and what he continues to do. For the blame and guilt he let me carry on my shoulders. For the affair and the behavior that came afterward. For not having fought for us. For manipulating others to believe that he tried.

I hate myself for the weakling I have become; without him, because of him. I hate that I let him control me and manipulate me. I hate how I let my relationship sabotage my confidence and my pride.  I hate feeling like a failure, ashamed that I was not good enough.

On my strong days I love. I love him for what he was for me and for the 9 years in which he made me happy. I love him for everything that I have learned from him. I love the blissful ignorance which protected me for so long. But above all I love me for the woman I have grown into because of him, without him.

While my thoughts of him still linger, we have long since parted in silence; but tears and pain have not taken away the longing memories and false sense of nostalgia I am left with in the silence of the cold and lonely nights.

February 10, 2011

The Other Woman

by bye2mrwrong

“There is always one woman to save you from another
and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy”
(Charles Bukowski)

Where the hell did my husband mange to find a hypocrite whore, from all the women in the world?! A “devote” Mormon, the mistress/slut does not drink coffee or tea as it is not allowed according to the scriptures. But sleeping around and coveting other women’s husbands is probably not a crime in her holy covenant. Disrespectful of her own parents, and unfaithful to both her ex-husbands; still she is a dedicated follower who goes to church almost every Sunday to ask Christ forgiveness for her sins. Hypocritically enough, once she has been forgiven, she continues sinning, as she knows that she will be forgiven again the next time.

I cannot say I know too much about this girl as I have not had the “pleasure” of her company for too long; but while we were still on speaking terms she did offer me some insight into her background. I heard stories of the girl she once was, and how she had gone through all possible stages in her short life in an attempt to find out who she was; from rock to punk, from gothic to the girl next door, from drunkard to teetotal, from innocent to slutty, and from naive, to experienced. A wild child covered in tattoos, she often played the role of the angel in disguise, the victim who needed shelter and protection from the big bad world.

She preyed on men that were weak, or maybe just willing. She used sex to her advantage. I do not know how many lives has she has destroyed or how many broken hearts has she left behind.  But I do know that she cheated on her husbands countless times, usually with their own friends. The first husband her high-school sweetheart ended up going to jail after beating up the 5th and last man he caught her with. A man she said was gay, and then ran off with, as she stole her husband’s money and credit cards.

Then as she met the next man in her life, once she got bored she moved on to his best friend, who apparently gave her the attention she craved and shelter she needed. This was the man she then married, although he too bored her quite quickly afterwards.

Her next affairs were with older men, married men with families, her employers, and others just random strangers who gave her the attention she seeked. She jumped from bed to bed in an attempt to define her being, to prove the worthiness of her existence. Like jelly, she fit perfectly into the lives of so many different men. Like a chameleon she changed her appearance and her demeanor to fit theirs. Right now she has changed the color of her hair once again according to her next client’s desire. And so she will fit into his life as she kicks his current girlfriend of 2 years to the curb.

As of today she is out of the life of both my husband and his brother. She has left to move in with her next victim. But I am sure she will still haunt me wherever I go. In my mind she will always represent the women who lack morals, and have no mercy, compassion, or remorse, for the casualties they leave behind. Heartless predators who in attempt to find their own happiness, stomp on that of others, and knowingly pursue the husbands, boyfriends, and other “unavailable” men.

February 7, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law: Father Figure

by bye2mrwrong

Now I love this man, I truly do. He used to give me these big bear hugs that I knew meant that he loved me right back. And when I looked at him, I could see an older version of my husband. One that was a bit more knowledgeable, and wise, a bit more calm and relaxed, a bit less aggressive. But the jokes were the same, and the way he teased his wife reminded me of the way my husband would sometimes tease me. It was loving, adorable and cute.

But with all his greatness, the dad was never really a good father. Due to the divorce he left the house when my husband was 8 and his brother 5 years old. He had never really made an effort, never called, or sent a birthday card, never kept in touch or took his kids out on an outing, never bonded with them and never played the role-model figure he should have been.

For a man who lived only 5 minutes away from his children, I couldn’t help but wonder what made him so distant, detached and aloof? Was it just his nature? Or maybe the divorce (and the horrible truth behind it) had left him so broken and fragile that he decided to distance himself from anything and everything which reminded him of his wife (including his own kids).

But once I found out the true reason for their divorce, mommy dearest’s affair, I was mad and I blame him for the burden he put on my husband. For preferring to let my husband believe for 35 years that HE had been the reason for the divorce of his parents. That he had been a heavy load on their relationship, a difficult child who came unexpectedly and put strain on their young love. Unexpected? She stopped taking the pill (because it was good to stop once in a while). How unexpected is that? Difficult? Isn’t every child difficult? Yes its difficult waking up at 4am to feed your crying baby. But it didn’t stop them from having a second one. And yes when you chose to have a child you chose to run around, teach them how to swim, or how to bike, pick them up when they fall down.

As for his second wife, she too is a good woman, kind and caring. But she too in my eyes should assume the responsibility of the lack of bond between the dad and his two sons. While she made sure that he would be close to her family, she did not nudge him to be close to his. After all why would she want him to have a bond to children not her own, while she blindly accepted a child-free life with this man.

All in all, although the father is a good man because he never played a dominant role in my husband’s life, unfortunately he did not contribute to my husbands development. He did not show him how to become a good man, a good husband, or a good father.

February 6, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law: Mommy Dearest

by bye2mrwrong

The fact that a woman carries a child for 9 months in her womb entitles her with the label mommy. But it says nothing about what kind of mom she really is.

I know most people have problems with their in-laws, so you wouldn’t expect me to say anything good about mine. But this wasn’t my case. I never had any problems with my mother-in-law, or how she treated me. We had our moments of fun. But I always resented how she treated the men in her life especially my husband. At times I blame her for who he has become today. After all how can you become a stable man, if you had an unstable childhood? How can you become loving, if you were never taught to love? How can you become trusting, if your role model always lied?

Mommy dearest never read a single book to her children, or sang them a lullaby. She didn’t sit with them to do their homework, or teach them the morals of life.

Her love for my husband’s brother, her “baby”, was always evident and caused unhealthy jealousy and rivalry between the two brothers. While she paid for one to get his driver’s license she did not pay for the other. While she let one stay at home till the age of 25 (when he was ready to leave), she kicked out the other at the age of 17 despite his rent payments. While she treated one like a baby who always needed support and compassion, she treated the other like a street-dog who could manage on his own.

This witch, narcissistic and full of self-love, used everyone around her for her own benefit. She could spend money on herself and her own indulgences, but let her son starve because he had his own money. Selfish and egoistic, she put herself and her hobbies (one of which included having affairs) first and foremost even before her kids. She had an affair on the father with their mutual friend, an affair which split up the family once he found out. And then she had an affair on the affair. This was an affair that lasted for years and years and was subsidized by none other than her partner himself. She would take his hard-earned cash and spend it on a trip for herself to some “so-called” family member on the other side of the world; anything to please herself and get away from her daily chores. But when her partner decided he too was entitled to have an affair of his own, she went crazy and forced him to marry her for financial security.

This man, now her current husband is a dull man. Not sexy, not funny, not interesting. His biggest mistake was having an affair with mommy dearest while she was still married.  So when her husband left her, he was stuck with her and with her two difficult sons. I don’t know how he was at the time, but I can see how through the years he became frustrated with his life. He had wanted children of his own, but she didn’t want more than the two she already had. He wanted a woman who would participate in supporting the household income, something she never got around to but only managed to spend. He compromised on a woman who cleaned the home…but once a week with her 9 cats and lots of junk and clatter meant that it never really looked or smelled clean.

When I met him he was nice, a bit flirty for an older man. But when I did not give my full attention to him; he quickly became disgruntled and would no longer speak to me unless I spoke to him.  Suddenly he refused to speak English and only made my incentive to speak to him even less.

As a man he is quite moody. If he was a woman I would say he has PMS all year round. One day in a great humorous mood, and the next so angry and recluse you could not even say hello to him without feeling you may have said something wrong. If this is how he always was, there is no wonder that the children never treated him as a father and the four of them never became what I would call a family.

February 5, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law: Brotherly Love

by bye2mrwrong

I don’t know if there was something about that year when my husband’s brother was born, maybe something in the water or in the air, but it seems men born in this city in that year are a bit off. Don’t get me wrong, they are all nice enough, but very insecure and weak, sexually inexperienced, and just a bit odd to say the least.

So when he finally met a girl at 30+, he seemed to rush everything, and totally fell head over heels. Of-course having never been with a girl before, or in love for that matter, he fell hard. So when she dumped him after only 3 dates he crashed rock bottom.

I’m not really sure what happened there (it was always a bit of a strange and secretive story) …but I do remember the nights he came over to talk until the light of dawn, the countless times he got drunk and fell asleep on our couch, the vast amount of kilos he shed, and the many tears he cried for her.

And then a few months later, out of the blue she was back into his life, and within two weeks she moved in with him…and things just fast forwarded from there; new car, new bed, new joined bank account, and within 3 months….a new baby on the way.

To be quite honest, after so many years of rivalry, harsh blows and degrading insults, secretly I always thought he did it just to spite my husband, and prove that he was better. To attest that he was not gay (as my husband had so many times teased him) and that he too could find love. It felt as though he just needed to show that he could be first. He had married first and would give his parents their first grandchild. He had won the race!

But when he didn’t want to go for a second child immediately (cause I don’t think he had planned on the first one either, and anyway we hadn’t even had our first, so no need to hurry), rumors have it that his wife slept around with at least 15 different men while he was at work…until one day he got a phone call for an anonymous raging lover who said: “sorry mate, your wife is pregnant. It’s not from me, but I also know it’s not from you”.

I guess you can see how that screws up a person (not that he wasn’t just a little bit screwed up to begin with) and well at that point he realized that not only was the second child definitely not his but maybe even the first child wasn’t either. Nevertheless the idiot did not initiate a divorce but with his hand forced the divorce went quite quick as he  agreed to give everything and was left with nothing but a huge debt, a large alimony sum to pay, and a broken heart. And since until today he is still in love with his first wife, he never did do a DNA test for that child. Maybe it’s his way of still having a bond to her.

It was only 3 months after the divorce was finalized, though still depressed and broken-hearted the idiot just like a puppet was manipulated to take in a new girl into his life. One which not unlike the first would lie and deceive, use and abuse him at her disposal, chew him up and spit him out.

February 5, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law

by bye2mrwrong

It has crossed my mind more than once how ignorant and oblivious I must have been, but ignorance is bliss. And when I met my husband at 21 I worshiped the ground he walked on and idealized him as if he were a gold mine I had just struck. I treated him no differently than I would a king. He could do no wrong in my eyes. He was the smartest, the cutest, the funniest, the best.

But when you marry someone, you also marry that person’s family. They come with the package. And blindly I accepted that package. I guess I am guilty by association of being no better. But I should have known better. I should have known we were statistically doomed and that the odds stacked up against us from the beginning. After all a person’s family and the way the person was raised shapes their belief system and who they become as an adult.