Posts tagged ‘Weak’

October 8, 2011

Chasing The Future, She Stumbled Into Her Past

by bye2mrwrong

“Setback we face them every day.

Some cause us to stumble;

others bring us to our knees. 

 Each setback brings with it the opportunity to rise up,

to be stronger and better and braver than before”

The date is set, it is coming upon me, and ever since I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. The closer it gets the heavier my heart feels, and the more nervous I am. I feel stuck again. Devastated. Uninspired. I’ve checked out, and yet feel restless even in my sleep. I wonder how much of a setback this will be. How will feel? And how much will it hurt?

But where would we be without struggle, without hardship, and pain? It’s easy to forget how much these moments teach and shape us. How different we would be without them. And it seems that everyone thinks I have grown so much from this. I just wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. I wish I was doing as good as everyone believes, or as good as I pretend. Fake it till you make it, right? Well I’ve been doing it, or at least trying. I’ve been shutting off my thoughts, pushing them deeper, ignoring them, I’ve been closing the faucets in the corner of my eyes, not allowing myself to cry, or feel vulnerable or hurt. I’ve been numbing the pain. No longer talking about it, or writing it down. Hoping that ignoring it will make it go away.

I’ve been told that all it takes is just the conscious choice to be in a good place, a choice to see the positive spin on things, to see the beauty that others see. So I’ve been pretending that I’ve moved on, that I’m alright. I’ve been showing interest in new men, in a new job, in my new life. But it’s all been a lie. I still feel everything I felt before. I am still attached to the life I left behind. I still miss being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend. I still miss waking up together next to someone enfolded in his arms, I still miss cooking for two, and I still miss our regular outings, our friends, going to movies, holding hands. I miss that comfort that I had. All I really want is some comfort, and a way to calm the angry voice. All I really wish for is happiness. I’m not sure with whom but in general. I just want to find my place. To be happy again. To love and be loved in return.

July 19, 2011

Lesson #7: Cry with Someone. It’s More Healing than Crying Alone

by bye2mrwrong

How many of us have been told that crying is a sign of weakness? If you’re a girl and you cry you’re a drama queen. If you’re a boy and you cry, well that’s just a big no-no. So we push our emotions further and further back into the deepest and darkest corners of our minds. Hoping that they will stay there, idle and forgotten. Praying that we will never have the need to deal with them later.

But let’s be honest. There’s no reason to be embarrassed about crying, we all do it. Even if you’re the most macho persona in the world – someday, some time, something so sad will happen that it brings you to tears. And… that’s perfectly all right.

Crying is a form of release from the pain we’re feeling. Cry alone and you’ll keep crying those same tears over and over again. Cry with someone and those tears have the power to heal you once and for all. Crying alone lets you experience a small sense of relief. But it’s crying with someone trusted that can really heal you. Someone who understands you, is willing to listen, and hold your hand through your pain.

There have been many moments throughout the past year, even now, where I find myself holding back my tears. Trying hard not to let them show. Not to get misty-eyed, puffy nosed, and red-cheeked. Why? Because somehow crying is not really accepted. Or maybe my perfectionist-self doesn’t accept it. I seem to think people judge me for it, although probably it’s really just me who’s doing all the judging. In my mind I fear that there is some sort of accepted time frame for how long one is meant to grieve or feel sorry for themselves. I fear that if I cry in front of others I will have to start talking, or answering questions that I don’t feel like answering. Or worse, I dread having to listen to cheery and enthusiastic people who always seems to find a positive spin to everything in life, who try hard to make me laugh when all I want is to cry, be gloomy and depressed for a bit.

Those spiritual and full-of-zest people have made me realize that I’m not the biggest fan of the many quotes and clichés that have been thrown in my direction e.g. “There are plenty of other fish in the sea”, or talks of karma “he’ll get what’s coming to him”, and how things are meant to be and happen for a reason beyond our knowledge. Those expressions, idioms and renowned we-heard-them-all-before phrases; are nice and all, and I truly believe that they are meant to give us hope when we are on the edge of despair, but sometimes all one needs is just a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and an understanding heart.

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June 19, 2011

Moment of Truth

by bye2mrwrong

I just had an enlightened moment. All this time I had this feeling that I had lowered my standards. That I had lost myself in this game of love. I lost the girl who had hopes. I lost the will to have dreams. I lost my self-confidence, forgot who I was and let myself be defined by the men in my life.

But suddenly it hit me. I don’t have to search for me at all, because I never lost me. I’ve always been here. The girl who always believed and the woman who makes her own choices in life.

Yes I came to this country for a man, for love.  But given the chance I’d do it again. Not because a man asked me to, but because I want to, for me. I didn’t do it because I was weak, I did it because it’s what I wanted. I chose to move, I chose to take a chance on love, on life. I chose the road that I walked on. I chose my fate, my destiny, my life. And while I was happy with my man, I was happy with my choice. So yes, some women will make fewer compromises than I. They will follow their career. They live to work. Me, I work to live. And instead of following a career, I followed my heart. A career I can make anywhere I choose. And I chose to make it next to the one I loved.

And now that this story has come to an end; I may be less naïve and trusting than before. And I may be more cynical. I may be more sheltered. And I may be more skeptical. But I am still willing to give up everything for love, as long as in the process I don’t give up the most important thing of all: ME.

I AM…
“I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL, AND A GROWN WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING AND CARING AND THOUGHTFUL AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, AND CAREFUL AND CARELESS. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED, AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHILE I’M DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION BUT NOT TRUE LOVE. I LOVE YOU AND I PUSH YOU AWAY. I WANT YOU BUT NOT SO CLOSE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE AND ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME.