Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

November 24, 2010

If He Cheats is it Over? Paving the Path to Disaster

by bye2mrwrong

After the initial toss of angry words and accusations; on my part, I did everything I could to try to work it out. I sat with my husband, I talked to him, and I even suggested we go to counseling. I proposed the things I thought could help us go through it, and move on. I read everything I could about infidelity and I even made my husband read some of it as well. The best article I found on the net was: How to Rebuild Your Spouse’s Trust after an Affair. For a while it was my new bible. I suggest for anyone who has gone through marital infidelity to read it – especially those of you who have done the cheating.

The steps were easy enough but no matter what I tried or how much I tried, the fact that I had caught my husband in his lie was too much for him to bear…and he unlike me was doing everything possible to pave the road to disaster instead of working on rebuilding our trust and love in each other. He was doing everything opposite and against the rules.

Here are the steps (but make sure to read the whole article, it’s worth it):

  1. Stop lying
  2. Be around
  3. Do not get defensive or assign blame
  4. Treat your spouse as if they were the center of your world
  5. Cut any and all possible ties with the other man/woman
  6. Your life must be an open book
  7. Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.
  8. Do not attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouse’s recovery should take
  9. Choose your battles wisely
  10. Be prepared to get rid of items that may serve to remind your spouse of the affair.
  11. Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems.
  12. Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your spouse.

So WHAT DID MY HUSBAND DO? He kept on LYING! He confided and continued sharing his most intimate feelings and emotions with his mistress instead of me, he made her his new soul mate, he even told her my secrets. Hell he told her how much money I had in my bank account.

Worse than that, he did what no adulterous two-timing cheater should ever do. He pointed a blaming finger in my direction. Actually, he blamed everyone but himself (or her), for the whole thing. He even blamed my family, who by the way live oversees. It was my fault that he was unhappy, it was me who caused him to run to the arms of another. He was practically saying that I had put a gun to his head and forced him to cheat.

He kept seeing her behind my back; he became more and more secretive putting codes and passwords on his phone and computer, and refused to go to relationship therapy. He demanded that I calm down and get over it claiming it was a thing of the past. And to top it all off, not only did he NOT get rid of those things that made me think of her but he even BOUGHT HER CAR from her (more on that in my next blog).

Slowly but surely my husband went into withdrawal, closing the door on his relationship with me and paving the road to disaster. So the article may have not helped him in a way, but it helped me. It put things into perspective, and helped me understand what should and should not happen. It showed me that he was not trying to work on this relationship like he should be. Still I believe that this article, which comes with tips and warnings, is useful for anyone who truly wants to work on their marriage. Good luck!

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November 23, 2010

A Love-Hate Relationship…

by bye2mrwrong

The gift I received from my husband as a “reward” for not noticing that he was having an affair, was not the usual one. He didn’t bring me flowers, or perfumes, or even chocolates. He didn’t shower me with extra love, or kisses. No, that would have been a dead giveaway. I would have noticed off the bat that something was wrong.

My husband NEVER gave me flowers – he hated flowers. It didn’t matter that I love them. It mattered more that he hated them, and therefore had no wish to have them around the house. In the 10 years together, the only time I got flowers from him was the day he proposed. I would have thought the engagement ring was enough, but my husband seemed to have his priorities all wrong.

Perfumes are on the other hand something he loved, and he loved even more to pamper HIMSELF with new perfumes. For every perfume bottle I have in my closet he has three. His smells needed to be stronger, sweeter and better then mine, so that people would remember his scent. Not that he never bought me perfumes. I got perfumes on birthdays, Christmases and valentines days. But it would have been strange to get them on just a regular Monday.

Chocolates as much as I love them were something that was not really allowed in the house. My husband was keeping me on a strict diet. Always watching what I ate, and how much. Sweets were definitely not something he wanted me to have more of on a regular basis.

As for showers of kisses and hugs…well that’s just not typical for a macho man, is it? Affection was not a common word in my husband’s vocabulary. Yes we would cuddle on the couch when watching a movie, or hug in bed before sleeping. But after 5 minutes I would usually hear something like, “it’s too warm can you move to the other side”, or “don’t be so close, I can’t breathe”.

So I didn’t get any of those gifts. He was smart enough to know that a change in his behavior would raise suspicion. So he acted completely normal. or Almost…

No, my husband decided to purchase something for me that I had been wanting for about 10 years. Something that I had been begging for since the day I felt comfortable enough to call his house my home. But as much as I pleaded I would always hear the same excuses over and over again: “The house is too small”, or “it’s not allowed in the apartment building” or “we’ll get it in the new house”.

When he finally decided to get it, it was a big secret. Everyone was in on it but me. He asked me to leave the house for 2 days so that he could do everything that was needed for this surprise. Already at this point I wasn’t too happy about the idea. Why did he need two days? What was he planning to do in the house? If it was something major, why didn’t I get a vote on this decision?

My mind started racing…was he painting the house? Redecorating? Buying new furniture? That all sounds nice but I thought we wanted to move to a bigger house, so why spend money on this one?! Was he finally changing his hobby room to baby room? That sounds wonderful, but don’t I get a say on how this room should look like? And don’t we have to start working on making a baby first? Did he buy a dining table? I’ve been dying to have one, and was getting quite sick of sitting on the floor to have dinner, but would that take two days to arrange?

Whatever my mind came up with, nothing seemed logical, and no answer made me happy. Even if it was a great idea, I was already disappointed that I didn’t get to have a say, be part of the decision, be the equal partner. I was worried and anxious, and already a bit negative about the whole thing. But his parents seemed thrilled at the idea, and kept calming me down, even though I explained how I felt and why.

Finally the two days were over and I got a phone call to come back home after work. I was hesitant to walk into the house, not sure what to expect. And even more nervous and confused since his parents told me they didn’t want to be there when I walked in “too personal” they said, but his best friend was invited to join and see my reaction.

As I walked in I saw it, right in front of me. The whole house had been changed in order to accommodate the large PIANO in our small living room. I should have been happy. Maybe even ecstatic. But I wasn’t. In my mind there was only one question floating around: WHY? Why now? Why in this house? Why did I need to beg for so long? Why did it need to be a surprise?

The answer to my question came two days later, when I found out of his affair. It was simple; this was his present to satisfy not me, but his own guilty conscience. He was trying to make up for his long period of infidelity by giving me an expensive offering. Needless to say I now have a piano with which I have a love-hate relationship. I love to play it, but hate the reason behind why it was bought. I can go for days without touching the damn thing, because I know that had he not cheated, I may have not had a piano, but I would have had him!