Posts tagged ‘Prince Charming’

April 1, 2011

Fairytales

by bye2mrwrong

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” Charles Bukowski

For a brief moment I stopped writing. I was away on a holiday, a vacation, a fairytale. I was in love. Swept away by a prince to a far away land. Hoping that maybe this was the last frog this princess will have to kiss.

But coming back to reality, to this life, I feel out of balance as if I am about to fall and I know the crash will be hard. Everything I built, every ounce of strength I gained, every hope and dream I had has crashed down on me; and I feel myself falling back into the old patterns of depression and desperation which took control of me only a few months ago.

This house, these walls, this bed will not let me rest in peace. As soon as the darkness falls with it so does my mood and I find myself succumbing to my fears, crumbling to tears, fading away in the shadows. I sleep and wish to never be awoken. It is a safe world in my dreams. It is only there that I can escape from the harshness of reality. But before I close my eyes and let all thoughts vanish, the darkness creeps in. And from the darkness the devil comes out to tease and taunt me. To play with my feelings and stress my loneliness. The darkness shows me who I really am, the same weak and pathetic little girl I have been fighting so hard to ignore as I stare at her every day in the mirror.

I am left in the dark of night to ponder about my life that was, and of the life I wish to be in. I am left in the silence defenseless and alone to talk only to the voices in my head. The ones that criticize me for my failures. The ones that tell me that I am worthless until someone realizes the gem I am. I am left with my desperate thoughts and my gloomy memories. I am left with uncertainty and pain. I am left alone.

Yet still from within despair, I am not yet completely discouraged, for I have precious illusions in my head. And the hope that somewhere out there is a frog waiting to be kissed, waiting to turn into my knight in shining armor so he can come and rescue me.