Posts tagged ‘Love-hate relationship’

February 12, 2011

Silence

by bye2mrwrong

After writing about my monster in-laws, I guess it’s only logical that I write about my husband, my soon-to-be ex. But although many words float in my head, spinning round and round, I cannot seem to write them down. Words cannot describe how I feel.

I keep wondering about the kind of man my husband was, and the monster that he has become. I think about the kind of love he gave me; controlling, and blinding, never enough. It was an abusive love, bruising and harmful, bittersweet. Knowing now that “the one who loves the least controls the relationship” and seeing how he controlled the younger version of me, I have to wonder if maybe it was not love at all.

On my weak days I hate. I hate him for what he has done, and what he continues to do. For the blame and guilt he let me carry on my shoulders. For the affair and the behavior that came afterward. For not having fought for us. For manipulating others to believe that he tried.

I hate myself for the weakling I have become; without him, because of him. I hate that I let him control me and manipulate me. I hate how I let my relationship sabotage my confidence and my pride.  I hate feeling like a failure, ashamed that I was not good enough.

On my strong days I love. I love him for what he was for me and for the 9 years in which he made me happy. I love him for everything that I have learned from him. I love the blissful ignorance which protected me for so long. But above all I love me for the woman I have grown into because of him, without him.

While my thoughts of him still linger, we have long since parted in silence; but tears and pain have not taken away the longing memories and false sense of nostalgia I am left with in the silence of the cold and lonely nights.

November 23, 2010

A Love-Hate Relationship…

by bye2mrwrong

The gift I received from my husband as a “reward” for not noticing that he was having an affair, was not the usual one. He didn’t bring me flowers, or perfumes, or even chocolates. He didn’t shower me with extra love, or kisses. No, that would have been a dead giveaway. I would have noticed off the bat that something was wrong.

My husband NEVER gave me flowers – he hated flowers. It didn’t matter that I love them. It mattered more that he hated them, and therefore had no wish to have them around the house. In the 10 years together, the only time I got flowers from him was the day he proposed. I would have thought the engagement ring was enough, but my husband seemed to have his priorities all wrong.

Perfumes are on the other hand something he loved, and he loved even more to pamper HIMSELF with new perfumes. For every perfume bottle I have in my closet he has three. His smells needed to be stronger, sweeter and better then mine, so that people would remember his scent. Not that he never bought me perfumes. I got perfumes on birthdays, Christmases and valentines days. But it would have been strange to get them on just a regular Monday.

Chocolates as much as I love them were something that was not really allowed in the house. My husband was keeping me on a strict diet. Always watching what I ate, and how much. Sweets were definitely not something he wanted me to have more of on a regular basis.

As for showers of kisses and hugs…well that’s just not typical for a macho man, is it? Affection was not a common word in my husband’s vocabulary. Yes we would cuddle on the couch when watching a movie, or hug in bed before sleeping. But after 5 minutes I would usually hear something like, “it’s too warm can you move to the other side”, or “don’t be so close, I can’t breathe”.

So I didn’t get any of those gifts. He was smart enough to know that a change in his behavior would raise suspicion. So he acted completely normal. or Almost…

No, my husband decided to purchase something for me that I had been wanting for about 10 years. Something that I had been begging for since the day I felt comfortable enough to call his house my home. But as much as I pleaded I would always hear the same excuses over and over again: “The house is too small”, or “it’s not allowed in the apartment building” or “we’ll get it in the new house”.

When he finally decided to get it, it was a big secret. Everyone was in on it but me. He asked me to leave the house for 2 days so that he could do everything that was needed for this surprise. Already at this point I wasn’t too happy about the idea. Why did he need two days? What was he planning to do in the house? If it was something major, why didn’t I get a vote on this decision?

My mind started racing…was he painting the house? Redecorating? Buying new furniture? That all sounds nice but I thought we wanted to move to a bigger house, so why spend money on this one?! Was he finally changing his hobby room to baby room? That sounds wonderful, but don’t I get a say on how this room should look like? And don’t we have to start working on making a baby first? Did he buy a dining table? I’ve been dying to have one, and was getting quite sick of sitting on the floor to have dinner, but would that take two days to arrange?

Whatever my mind came up with, nothing seemed logical, and no answer made me happy. Even if it was a great idea, I was already disappointed that I didn’t get to have a say, be part of the decision, be the equal partner. I was worried and anxious, and already a bit negative about the whole thing. But his parents seemed thrilled at the idea, and kept calming me down, even though I explained how I felt and why.

Finally the two days were over and I got a phone call to come back home after work. I was hesitant to walk into the house, not sure what to expect. And even more nervous and confused since his parents told me they didn’t want to be there when I walked in “too personal” they said, but his best friend was invited to join and see my reaction.

As I walked in I saw it, right in front of me. The whole house had been changed in order to accommodate the large PIANO in our small living room. I should have been happy. Maybe even ecstatic. But I wasn’t. In my mind there was only one question floating around: WHY? Why now? Why in this house? Why did I need to beg for so long? Why did it need to be a surprise?

The answer to my question came two days later, when I found out of his affair. It was simple; this was his present to satisfy not me, but his own guilty conscience. He was trying to make up for his long period of infidelity by giving me an expensive offering. Needless to say I now have a piano with which I have a love-hate relationship. I love to play it, but hate the reason behind why it was bought. I can go for days without touching the damn thing, because I know that had he not cheated, I may have not had a piano, but I would have had him!