Posts tagged ‘Jealous’

December 29, 2011

Fooling the Fool

by bye2mrwrong

“Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t see the pain someone else feels”

Once upon a time I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I am on the bottom. Once I thought my life was falling into place. Now I feel like it has fallen apart. So Who am I Fooling? Can’t they see behind this mask? Don’t they feel my pain?

I’ve been down in the dumps the last few days. Or is it months? I can’t remember. It seems this year I’ve been more sad than happy, more down than up, more tearful then cheery. And by now it’s hard to remember when I’ve been gloomy or why. On the up side it does make it easy to recall the few great moments I’ve had. Those few passionate kisses, the rare moonlight strolls, the gentle touch of hands wiping away my tears, the tights bear hugs, the memorable chats that seemed to go on forever, the wild dancing in the nights, the reckless drunken moments of craziness, the rolling laughter and the fun.

Yes they say that in order to truly appreciate the good one must first experience bad. But who are we fooling? Would I have enjoyed the good less if I wasn’t in such a slump? Can good not be fully appreciated when contrasted with neutrality or indifference rather than with bad?

I know I know. I’ve heard it all before. “Love yourself first”, “Learn to be happy on your own”, “It’s empowering not to need a man”, and “You are more than the men you like”. But as much as I keep hearing these things, I also know that the whole Fake It Till You Make It isn’t really working for me. Either I really like being in victim mode, or I just don’t know how to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop looking at other couples in envy. I want to stop being jealous when I see a pregnant lady walking by. I want the dream. YES I want to be in a relationship. And not just any relationship, but a LOVING relationship. Not because I’m pathetic, or weak or lack self-esteem when I’m on my own. But because I’m human. And we humans, as the social animals that we are want contact. Someone else to be with, to share ourselves with, to laugh with, to love. Is it so wrong to want it? Is it so bad to think I deserve it?

 I’m not sure if people don’t realize or just don’t want to realize how sad I am. They see this as a fresh start to my new life. All doors are wide open and I am free to walk through any one of them. But those who truly know me can probably tell that although I keep myself busy,no not just busy but exhausted. Although I am overloaded with work, and surrounded by friends… I am not in a happy place. Not just yet.

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December 14, 2010

Friend or Foe?

by bye2mrwrong

“Keep Your Friends Close and Your Enemies Closer”

Every evening at dinner, my husband and I always discussed our work. We would complain about our jack ass bosses, gossip about our colleagues, tell each other the strange stories of the day, and laugh at the pathetic turn of events.

My husband had more than 50 employees working for him, most of which I knew, but once in a blue moon he would hire a new employee and tell me about them. And just like any other, one evening my husband told me about HER.  He had mentioned her before in conversation, but nothing worth taking notice of.  Now he decided to tell me more. She was from out of the country like me, around my age, and about to divorce. Her husband was one of those dull introverts with no social life, so even though she had been living here for 4 years, he hadn’t introduced her to anyone and she still had no friends.

After telling me about this new pathetic employee, he nonchalantly popped the question: asking if I could take her out. To try to convince me he told me even more:  She didn’t drink; she didn’t dance, was extremely shy and introvert, and really needed a girlfriend. So here I was thinking what the hell is the point? If I want a new friend I want one who’s a bit like me and shares MY interests. But if she doesn’t drink, then going to a pub would be quite boring. And if she doesn’t dance, then I might as well take my husband to a club; he could also just stand there, lifeless watching from the sidelines.  I felt like she was a volunteering project which was dumped on me and I had to play big sister.

While I wasn’t convinced I needed to get to know this girl, my husband invited her over anyway, to watch a movie at home with us. Strangely enough he chose horror, HER favorite genre and the only one which I absolutely HATE. But anything to be a good host, right?

Of-course the minute she walked in… I already had this bad feeling about her. Everything about her repulsed me. The way she talked so quietly it was almost like a whisper, the way she was so fidgety and scared as if I was going to devour her, the way she was already talking to my husband like they were best friends for years …

It wasn’t because I’m a jealous woman, but because we girls just have this six sense about other girls and their intentions. And we all know those girls! Their sweet, shy and timid manner may fool the men, but they don’t fool us. So when we meet a girl like that, we stay away, and make sure our men do too!

By the end of the evening I was completely convinced that I wanted nothing to do with her. But somehow in my husband’s twisted little mind he must have hoped that we would hit if off, become best friends, giggle together, maybe share a bed…

What was he thinking? Come to think of it what was she thinking? I can’t imagine ever wanting to meet the woman your lover is married to. Let alone try to become her friend. I understand now why she acted so antsy around me. It must have felt nerve wrecking. Not that I feel bad for her, don’t get me wrong.  The idea still freaks me out. Was she judging me? Scrutinizing what I looked like, how I talked, laughed, or dressed. Was she trying to become me? Hoping to one day take my place? Till this day this is still beyond me.

But since salvation didn’t come from me, and my husband could see that I wasn’t going to invite this girl every evening for dinner; he decided to do the next best thing to make sure she stuck around. He introduced her to his newly divorced brother!