Posts tagged ‘Goals’

August 19, 2011

Failure to Launch

by bye2mrwrong

After I called my friend to inform her that I unfortunately would not be flying back to her wedding our conversation became strained. It felt false and distant. Maybe it wasn’t and I was feeling things that weren’t really there. But with feelings of guilt overcoming me, I was emotional, mad at myself, and disappointed for having disappointed her.

As soon as I hung up the phone I cried. I cried because I couldn’t please her. I cried because I feel like I can never please everyone, or anyone for that matter. I cried because ultimately I cannot seem to please myself.

The small choices in life seem overwhelmingly difficult. I cannot seem to find my footing. Or maybe I just haven’t really tried hard enough yet. I don’t know what I want, so I’m not pushing myself in any direction. And by not pushing forward, once again I feel stuck. I know I’m my biggest critic, but it seems I have a lot to criticize.

On the one hand I seem to be treating this time as a vacation from life, a distraction from my thoughts, a hideout from my pain. I’ve only been here a month so what’s the rush?! But on the other hand I feel stressed for not having adapted yet to my new life, for not having already found a job (to be honest I haven’t even started looking) or a study, or preferably both, for not having started living the real world.

I feel failure breathing down my neck. Failure at choosing the career of my dreams, failure at keeping my marriage together, failure at reaching my goals, failure at dictating what those goals are, failure at making myself happy.

I know all the doors are open for me, but somehow I haven’t started stepping in any direction yet. No one to blame for that but myself, my own foolish doubts and my fear of further failure. I know the best things in life won’t come sorted out, organized and served on a silver platter, just waiting for me to set my foot forward. For some things you just need to work God damn hard. Some things are worth it.

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