Posts tagged ‘forgive and forget’

August 15, 2011

Lesson #28: Forgive Everyone Everything

by bye2mrwrong

We often hear the slogan “Forgive and Forget”. Most people can’t do the latter, and maybe shouldn’t, to protect themselves. But what if, instead of forgetting we retold the story? Instead of telling the saga that portrays you as a victim and someone else as a villain, rewrite the script. Once you decide to change your story you get your happy ending.

Too often we keep telling the injury story. We get attention and sympathy by being a victim or by being right or by being wronged. We seek cheap payoffs that keep us stuck. If we’re invested in someone being our villain, we must love being the victim. We have to let go of both characters in the story.”

I kept telling myself my husband was the villain. He broke promises, abandoned US, and hurt ME. But what if I saw the story in a different light? What if I actually accepted that my husband had done the best he could, but for some reason wasn’t capable of giving more. He couldn’t tell me the truth, if he wasn’t being honest with himself. He couldn’t love me or accept my love, if he didn’t love himself.

I don’t know if I want to forget. If I forget, I might always make the same mistakes. That’s not an option. And I don’t know if I want to completely forgive. If I forgive then I allow him to get a free pass for what he’s done. But if I don’t forget or forgive then I allow him to live rent-free in the catacombs of my mind. Catch 22 isn’t it?

While I’m nowhere near forgetting, and I’m not even sure I’m close to accepting, I think I’m half way at forgiving (at least in some kind of shape and form). I feel that I am no longer raging with fury at his choice, but rather disappointed and sad. I no longer blame only him, but rather partake. It’s not resentment I feel, but something else. What that something else is, I don’t quite know. Maybe it’s just me, as usual not being able to let go of the past. Or maybe it’s me not having accepted it yet. How can I accept that he let me go? How can I accept that he didn’t love me enough to fight for our relationship? I guess the loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it.

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August 6, 2011

Lesson #26: Frame Every So-Called Disaster With These Words: “In Five Years, Will This Matter?”

by bye2mrwrong

Life is a journey, and in that journey we hit bumps, we reach difficult cross roads and dead ends; we stumble, we fall, we bruise, we hurt and we cry. Life’s journey can be harsh and difficult, the lessons learned extreme. Sometimes surviving the journey is the worst kind of pain.  And while we feel that pain consuming us, we believe that life won’t be the same afterwards. We somehow expect the world to STOP.

But it doesn’t. Life goes on like nothing has happened. You wake up in the morning only to realize that you’re still alive. The sun has risen again, there is light out and a new day has arrived. Like everyone else around, you continue. Days, Month, Years pass by. Slowly the pain fades away, leaving only a mark in its place.

Professedly today’s disaster will have limited if any impact on our life say 5 years from now. Our perceptions of events change over time.  I guess the point of today’s lesson is just that. If and when the pain of our so-called disaster fades away, will it matter? When we were little, if we fell and wounded ourselves we would run back to mommy to wipe away the blood, kiss our bruise, and make the pain go away. If the fall was hard enough to leave a scar we could still look back at it and be reminded of the fall. But the pain is long forgotten. I suppose the same goes for the deeper wounds, the emotional ones. The ones where the scar is not as visible on the outside, as it is on the inside. Even those scars heal, even broken hearts mend. The question standing is how soon do we forget? How long does it take before it doesn’t really matter? One minute, one hour, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime?

I’ve found out that so much can happen in a year, let alone five. And with my luck anything and everything can happen in a year. In one year I found out that my husband was having an affair, I went for the first time to a psychologist, I lost my job, I got divorced, I fell in lust, I left my home, flew to another country, and after 10 years out I moved back in with my parents.

So will it matter in 5 years from now that I was cheated on, that my heart broke, that I divorced?

I guess that depends what the next 5 years hold for me. If my future turns out to be all sunshine and roses, if I find my dream job and a dream man to go along, if I get married to this dreamy lad, and have his child, if every choice I make from now on will be a success…well then I guess that everything that happened until now (including and especially getting divorced) won’t really have mattered. And actually may be a blessing in disguise.

But if I meet a slew of men, only to find out that none of them are right, but only right now. If I discover that I cannot find a job here, or cannot afford to rent a place on my own, If I feel that I am lonely without my old friends, and I have not met any new ones; if being so close to my family will drive me up the wall and cause a family feud…..then it will matter. It will matter that I divorced and that this was the path that it led me on.