Posts tagged ‘Fairy tale’

April 1, 2011

Fairytales

by bye2mrwrong

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” Charles Bukowski

For a brief moment I stopped writing. I was away on a holiday, a vacation, a fairytale. I was in love. Swept away by a prince to a far away land. Hoping that maybe this was the last frog this princess will have to kiss.

But coming back to reality, to this life, I feel out of balance as if I am about to fall and I know the crash will be hard. Everything I built, every ounce of strength I gained, every hope and dream I had has crashed down on me; and I feel myself falling back into the old patterns of depression and desperation which took control of me only a few months ago.

This house, these walls, this bed will not let me rest in peace. As soon as the darkness falls with it so does my mood and I find myself succumbing to my fears, crumbling to tears, fading away in the shadows. I sleep and wish to never be awoken. It is a safe world in my dreams. It is only there that I can escape from the harshness of reality. But before I close my eyes and let all thoughts vanish, the darkness creeps in. And from the darkness the devil comes out to tease and taunt me. To play with my feelings and stress my loneliness. The darkness shows me who I really am, the same weak and pathetic little girl I have been fighting so hard to ignore as I stare at her every day in the mirror.

I am left in the dark of night to ponder about my life that was, and of the life I wish to be in. I am left in the silence defenseless and alone to talk only to the voices in my head. The ones that criticize me for my failures. The ones that tell me that I am worthless until someone realizes the gem I am. I am left with my desperate thoughts and my gloomy memories. I am left with uncertainty and pain. I am left alone.

Yet still from within despair, I am not yet completely discouraged, for I have precious illusions in my head. And the hope that somewhere out there is a frog waiting to be kissed, waiting to turn into my knight in shining armor so he can come and rescue me.

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March 10, 2011

My Favorite Mistake

by bye2mrwrong

Every story has an ending. We grow up hearing about the fairy tales. Those are the stories with the good endings, the happily ever after. But life is not a fairy tale.

Although no one has ever escaped the inevitability of a heartbreak, and many loves end, for a long time I felt that this ending was cursed. This love as long as it was… felt too short.  Now as we look into each others eyes, there is no love. There are only two strangers, and the fire that burned between us has died.

There was a time though that I walked down the streets searching for your familiar face within the crowds. A twist of longing burning at my side left me with an old craving that wouldn’t leave me in peace. It destroyed my nights leaving me awake to ponder as a wave of wild fantasies flew through me and I lost reality for however brief a moment. As my head dropped on the pillow each night, I wondered what I was searching for, what I was chasing after. As I lay naked in our bed, I was reminded of how you invaded me, desecrated me. And as I closed my eyes I tried in vain to remember your face, the touch of your skin, and the softness of your lips. I imagined you holding me, loving me all over again.  All I wanted then was to touch you, just one last time. I wanted to feel you close to me.

But when the dawn finally came, an old memory arose and reminded me… debts cannot be paid with empty hands. You have been expelled from my sky, and words cannot cover the silence or sadness in my eyes. All that is left now are a few moments in my imagination to hold on to. And although I have not forgiven you, you will always be my favorite mistake, a scar branded into my soul. With pain in my heart and tears in my eyes I say goodbye to life I thought I had designed for me. I have accepted my new fate. Here our paths part.