Posts tagged ‘Envy’

December 29, 2011

Fooling the Fool

by bye2mrwrong

“Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t see the pain someone else feels”

Once upon a time I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I am on the bottom. Once I thought my life was falling into place. Now I feel like it has fallen apart. So Who am I Fooling? Can’t they see behind this mask? Don’t they feel my pain?

I’ve been down in the dumps the last few days. Or is it months? I can’t remember. It seems this year I’ve been more sad than happy, more down than up, more tearful then cheery. And by now it’s hard to remember when I’ve been gloomy or why. On the up side it does make it easy to recall the few great moments I’ve had. Those few passionate kisses, the rare moonlight strolls, the gentle touch of hands wiping away my tears, the tights bear hugs, the memorable chats that seemed to go on forever, the wild dancing in the nights, the reckless drunken moments of craziness, the rolling laughter and the fun.

Yes they say that in order to truly appreciate the good one must first experience bad. But who are we fooling? Would I have enjoyed the good less if I wasn’t in such a slump? Can good not be fully appreciated when contrasted with neutrality or indifference rather than with bad?

I know I know. I’ve heard it all before. “Love yourself first”, “Learn to be happy on your own”, “It’s empowering not to need a man”, and “You are more than the men you like”. But as much as I keep hearing these things, I also know that the whole Fake It Till You Make It isn’t really working for me. Either I really like being in victim mode, or I just don’t know how to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop looking at other couples in envy. I want to stop being jealous when I see a pregnant lady walking by. I want the dream. YES I want to be in a relationship. And not just any relationship, but a LOVING relationship. Not because I’m pathetic, or weak or lack self-esteem when I’m on my own. But because I’m human. And we humans, as the social animals that we are want contact. Someone else to be with, to share ourselves with, to laugh with, to love. Is it so wrong to want it? Is it so bad to think I deserve it?

 I’m not sure if people don’t realize or just don’t want to realize how sad I am. They see this as a fresh start to my new life. All doors are wide open and I am free to walk through any one of them. But those who truly know me can probably tell that although I keep myself busy,no not just busy but exhausted. Although I am overloaded with work, and surrounded by friends… I am not in a happy place. Not just yet.

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September 5, 2011

Masking the Pain

by bye2mrwrong

She wipes away her tears and puts her mask on when the phone rings, telling the person on the other end of the line that everything is fine. I will not expose myself she thinks. I will not take off my mask and show the world the true me, the one locked inside.

Most of us wake up each morning and put on a mask. We blur our imperfections with makeup and we dress for the part we aim to play. The perfect disguise to shield us. A fake smile, a false laugh. We hide our flaws, tuck in our pain, and walk tall and proud pretending. We watch others around us and envy them for their seemingly perfect life. The couple walking down the street with their fingers entangled in each other, the skinny girl with the perfect skin, the rich business man with his fat wallet. They seem to have it all…

But do they really? Are they as happy as you think? Don’t let anyone fool you, behind that tough skin, lies a soft heart that was once broken. Behind that strong shield, the pretence of aloofness and indifference lies a hurricane of emotions. Lesson # 40: If We All Threw Our Problems in a Pile and Got a Look at Everyone Else’s, We’d Fight to Get Back Our Own. “Most of us are walking around blind to the gifts that we have been given until we see the problems others have endured”. Other people’s scars are no better than our own.  We are all broken, just in different ways. We have all loved and lost, we have all felt pain, we have all endured grief. But some of us manage to hide it better than others, masking the hurt and the pain. We may not be aware that behind the strong confident business man is a scared boy with fear of abandonment. Or behind the beautiful woman with her painted face, lies a lonely girl insecure of her own body.

Don’t be fooled into thinking someone else’s life is easier than yours, or that the grass is greener on the other side. Take a second and reflect on the things you’re grateful for. Learn to appreciate what you have before times makes you appreciate what you had. Imagine yourself without it, and then you’ll see how much you still have to be grateful for.