September 5, 2011

Masking the Pain

by bye2mrwrong

She wipes away her tears and puts her mask on when the phone rings, telling the person on the other end of the line that everything is fine. I will not expose myself she thinks. I will not take off my mask and show the world the true me, the one locked inside.

Most of us wake up each morning and put on a mask. We blur our imperfections with makeup and we dress for the part we aim to play. The perfect disguise to shield us. A fake smile, a false laugh. We hide our flaws, tuck in our pain, and walk tall and proud pretending. We watch others around us and envy them for their seemingly perfect life. The couple walking down the street with their fingers entangled in each other, the skinny girl with the perfect skin, the rich business man with his fat wallet. They seem to have it all…

But do they really? Are they as happy as you think? Don’t let anyone fool you, behind that tough skin, lies a soft heart that was once broken. Behind that strong shield, the pretence of aloofness and indifference lies a hurricane of emotions. Lesson # 40: If We All Threw Our Problems in a Pile and Got a Look at Everyone Else’s, We’d Fight to Get Back Our Own. “Most of us are walking around blind to the gifts that we have been given until we see the problems others have endured”. Other people’s scars are no better than our own.  We are all broken, just in different ways. We have all loved and lost, we have all felt pain, we have all endured grief. But some of us manage to hide it better than others, masking the hurt and the pain. We may not be aware that behind the strong confident business man is a scared boy with fear of abandonment. Or behind the beautiful woman with her painted face, lies a lonely girl insecure of her own body.

Don’t be fooled into thinking someone else’s life is easier than yours, or that the grass is greener on the other side. Take a second and reflect on the things you’re grateful for. Learn to appreciate what you have before times makes you appreciate what you had. Imagine yourself without it, and then you’ll see how much you still have to be grateful for.

August 28, 2011

Lesson 36: Get Outside Every Day. Miracles Are Waiting for You to Discover

by bye2mrwrong

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”

The world doesn’t know that I’ve just gone through a major disaster. That my life has completely changed, and turned upside down. That I married only to find myself divorced; that I gave my heart, only to have it shattered. That I left full of hopes, only to come back empty-handed. While my light may have been momentarily switched off, and I may be sitting in the darkness waiting for the dimmest of light to slowly reappear, the world continues to spin. The sun continues to shine, the flowers continue to grow, the leaves fall, and the wind gently whispers “Maybe it’s time to come out of your shell. Hiding away won’t make anything better.”

Being cheerless and gloomy, pessimistic and skeptic, distrustful and closed; shelters me in the most protective way possible. But it also hides me from the beauty that is out there. The world is full of surprises, grand and beautiful. Yesterday may not have been so good, but tomorrow is a new day that brings with it a glimmer of hope. Who knows what miracles are out there waiting to be discovered, what the stars have in store for me if I just believe. If I just get out there, keep riding the storm, and keep moving forward.

So while I’ve ruled out the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and maybe even God. I haven’t ruled out wishing. I wish on stars. I wish on eyelashes. I wish on a penny as I throw it into a water fountain, I wish when I pluck a dandelion from the grass and blow its seeds into the wind. I’m wishing right now as I write this blog. Cause once in a blue moon miracles still do happen to those of us who are lucky enough. They happen without warning, when we least expect it, but desire it the most.

What miracle are you wishing for?

August 26, 2011

In A New York Minute

by bye2mrwrong

“Some days you feel like you need to survive the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the jostles and jolts and sudden brakes. Life is a series of problems. Either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one. The good times will come and then they will go. The bad times will come and then they will go. Our job is not to cling to one or fight the other but to allow them both to teach us and polish us.”

Nothing stays the same forever. With the passage of time, and without realizing it, the ugly duckling magically transforms into a beautiful swan. Like that duckling I too hope to blossom and grow until I no longer recognize myself. I hope that without realizing it as the days pass by suddenly the bad will change to good. I hope to wake up one morning and forget to think about him. I pray for a day to come where I no longer feel  sorry for myself. I yearn for the day when I am glowing with happiness, grateful for the lessons I’ve learned, and content with my new life.

I long for that New York Minute.

August 20, 2011

No Escaping You

by bye2mrwrong

I only thought about you once today. I never stopped.

Lying on my back I slowly wake up as the sun’s rays hit my face, shining brightly through the window. Suddenly I realize what day it is. I turn away from the sun light, shut my eyes tightly and try to forget. Maybe I can sleep the day away, let it skip me.

But it’s too late. Thoughts of you drift into my head and I try hard to remember the exact feeling I had last year as I woke up next to you. What did we do on this day? What were we feeling?

Conversations we had run through my mind. I see your face above me, smiling sweetly. For a moment I fall asleep again. In my dreams I feel your warmth and love. Nothing has changed, we are together. You’re lying next to me. My fingers entangled in your hair, and my leg on top of yours hugging your body close to me.

Then I wake up again and tears fill my eyes. Instead of thinking about the past, my thoughts now drift onto the future. How happy we could have been. I can still imagine us together. I can see us lying in our bed. I look around, everything is so familiar. The color of the walls, the design on our favorite bed sheets, the smell of your cologne wafting in the air, the sound of your voice, the touch of your skin.

I fall asleep again hoping not to plunge once more into the prison of my mind. I yearn to escape my thoughts. But there is no escaping you today.  Maybe by next year it won’t sting so hard, it won’t feel so real. Maybe then something in me will have changed. And your memory will be a distant one. A bitter-sweet memory that will have faded away.

August 19, 2011

Failure to Launch

by bye2mrwrong

After I called my friend to inform her that I unfortunately would not be flying back to her wedding our conversation became strained. It felt false and distant. Maybe it wasn’t and I was feeling things that weren’t really there. But with feelings of guilt overcoming me, I was emotional, mad at myself, and disappointed for having disappointed her.

As soon as I hung up the phone I cried. I cried because I couldn’t please her. I cried because I feel like I can never please everyone, or anyone for that matter. I cried because ultimately I cannot seem to please myself.

The small choices in life seem overwhelmingly difficult. I cannot seem to find my footing. Or maybe I just haven’t really tried hard enough yet. I don’t know what I want, so I’m not pushing myself in any direction. And by not pushing forward, once again I feel stuck. I know I’m my biggest critic, but it seems I have a lot to criticize.

On the one hand I seem to be treating this time as a vacation from life, a distraction from my thoughts, a hideout from my pain. I’ve only been here a month so what’s the rush?! But on the other hand I feel stressed for not having adapted yet to my new life, for not having already found a job (to be honest I haven’t even started looking) or a study, or preferably both, for not having started living the real world.

I feel failure breathing down my neck. Failure at choosing the career of my dreams, failure at keeping my marriage together, failure at reaching my goals, failure at dictating what those goals are, failure at making myself happy.

I know all the doors are open for me, but somehow I haven’t started stepping in any direction yet. No one to blame for that but myself, my own foolish doubts and my fear of further failure. I know the best things in life won’t come sorted out, organized and served on a silver platter, just waiting for me to set my foot forward. For some things you just need to work God damn hard. Some things are worth it.

August 17, 2011

Questions and Answers

by bye2mrwrong

So I just posted a password protected post. My first one!

If you’re curious, dying to read it, can’t stop thinking about it, and just need to know what this post holds

Email me at bye2mrwrong@gmail.com and depending on who you are, where you’re from and your current status; you just might get the password.

August 17, 2011

Protected: Marriages, Anniversaries and Other Dates to Remember

by bye2mrwrong

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

August 16, 2011

Lesson #30: The Passage of Time Heals Almost Everything. Give Time Time

by bye2mrwrong

How many times have people tried to comfort us with the slogan: “It takes time to heal”. I know I’ve heard it plenty. And every time the only thing I can think of is: “…but how long?”

Yup this lesson is a lesson of patience. In this lesson we must learn that we cannot rush our wounds to heal, our hearts to mend, or our minds to let go. Some things just take time.

But before I came to the realization that times takes time, I definitely can attest to being guilty of trying to rush the process. It didn’t take long before I started dating again. Before I went out, danced, flirted, and gave men that look. It actually was even extremely short before I met my rebound, before I fell in lust, and before I found myself shattered yet again. I was a broken girl on a mission. Find my next victim. Search and conquer. Hunt down Mr. Right.

But not giving myself enough time to grieve my loss did not help me heal. I’ve said before that I feel like after taking 2 steps forward, I’ve taken 2 steps back. To that one of my readers commented saying that maybe I hadn’t fallen backwards, but rather hadn’t gotten as far ahead as I thought; adding that often instead of grieving we immerse ourselves in little distractions, thinking we’ve moved on. He was so right. Hastily rushing, jumping from one relationship to the next is exactly that, a distraction from feeling the pain, a distraction from grieving the loss, a distraction from healing.

So I’ve decided to take a breather. Pause and stop trying to rush forward. While I may have a biological clock ticking, I also have a heart that needs  to go through some stitching, mending and an extensive recovery.  So meanwhile, until I heal. Until I feel that I can open my heart again. Until I long once more for warmth and comfort from a man rather than my family. Until I yearn for passionate kisses. Until I unlock myself to the new world around me… I have sheltered myself from new pain to seep in. I have built up a wall around the shattered pieces of my heart.

And when the time is right maybe Mr. Right might find a way to chip at that wall and slowly tear it down. Or maybe time itself will find a way of melting the barriers that have been built, opening my heart up again to a fresh new start.

August 15, 2011

Lesson #28: Forgive Everyone Everything

by bye2mrwrong

We often hear the slogan “Forgive and Forget”. Most people can’t do the latter, and maybe shouldn’t, to protect themselves. But what if, instead of forgetting we retold the story? Instead of telling the saga that portrays you as a victim and someone else as a villain, rewrite the script. Once you decide to change your story you get your happy ending.

Too often we keep telling the injury story. We get attention and sympathy by being a victim or by being right or by being wronged. We seek cheap payoffs that keep us stuck. If we’re invested in someone being our villain, we must love being the victim. We have to let go of both characters in the story.”

I kept telling myself my husband was the villain. He broke promises, abandoned US, and hurt ME. But what if I saw the story in a different light? What if I actually accepted that my husband had done the best he could, but for some reason wasn’t capable of giving more. He couldn’t tell me the truth, if he wasn’t being honest with himself. He couldn’t love me or accept my love, if he didn’t love himself.

I don’t know if I want to forget. If I forget, I might always make the same mistakes. That’s not an option. And I don’t know if I want to completely forgive. If I forgive then I allow him to get a free pass for what he’s done. But if I don’t forget or forgive then I allow him to live rent-free in the catacombs of my mind. Catch 22 isn’t it?

While I’m nowhere near forgetting, and I’m not even sure I’m close to accepting, I think I’m half way at forgiving (at least in some kind of shape and form). I feel that I am no longer raging with fury at his choice, but rather disappointed and sad. I no longer blame only him, but rather partake. It’s not resentment I feel, but something else. What that something else is, I don’t quite know. Maybe it’s just me, as usual not being able to let go of the past. Or maybe it’s me not having accepted it yet. How can I accept that he let me go? How can I accept that he didn’t love me enough to fight for our relationship? I guess the loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it.

August 13, 2011

Mr. Optimist Meets His Challenge

by bye2mrwrong

I was never a pessimist. Nor was I ever distrusting. I always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. While I may at times be a bit shallow, I try my best never to judge a book by its cover. I lived my life by a simple motto: Innocent till proven guilty; never guilty till you prove yourself otherwise. I gave second chances. Hell some people were even lucky enough to get thirds.

But professedly this last year has changed me. Jaded, I am no longer as naïve as I was. I no longer see only the good in people, but immediately search for their hidden agendas. I became a bit of a cynic. Maybe I’m just playing devil’s advocate with people. Trying to challenge their beliefs in hopes that they will challenge mine. Secretly hoping that they might convert me back, and restore my innocence.

Last Friday I met Mr. Optimistic. This is the guy that walks around with a smile on his face, he even dances that way. Full of life, full of energy, full of love. He is the type that wakes up in the morning and thanks life for life. Though he’s not gay I have a feeling he walks around seeing life in shades of pink. He views the cup half full. He loves life and sees only the good in it. His motto: “Always look on the bright side of life.”

While chatting away, he remarked that I was being pessimistic. I snickered at the remark and pushed it away, ignoring it. Within a few minutes he again mentioned that I was being negative. And again I laughed it off. But once the chat was over I thought to myself how right he was. Immediately defending myself I thought, well of-course I’m pessimistic. If he’d had been through what I had, then maybe he would be just as glum. But as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I knew I was wrong. I have no idea what his life is like, what he’d been through. What deep dark secrets have affected his past, his present, his life. We all have a history, we all have baggage. But he made a conscious choice to view life in a positive way, no matter what it threw at him.

The last thing he said to me before I went my own way was: “You know there’s a reason we crossed paths. There’s a role we have yet to play in each other’s lives. It is not a coincidence that the optimist meets his opponent.” Being the skeptic that I have become, I saw it as his way of flirting with me, maybe his wish to fulfill a longer role in my life. But if I take away the fact that he is a man and may have another incentive, if I take away my skepticism and distrust; his words may have some truth in it. Maybe if I start letting people back in, I might find they’re not so bad. If I stop being paranoid I might start trusting again. And if I stop looking for the negative, I might find the positive.