Archive for ‘Loneliness’

June 12, 2011

Self-Inflicted Pain

by bye2mrwrong

When we stick our fingers in the fire,why are we so surprised when we get burned?

People hurt themselves in many ways. Some starve their bodies to look beautiful; others cut themselves in order to feel a sense of control. Some get addicted to drugs in hopes of not having to deal with overwhelming feelings. Me, I just fall for the wrong men; and when I fall, I fall hard.

When I fall head over heels for someone I seem to always lose my sense of self. I give my self completely to love and let myself be consumed by its illusion. Insecurities drown me and I willingly allow myself to be bruised and battered. I need to know that someone is desperate to give me their love, that they consider me theirs, and that they will love me when I don’t love myself.

For each man I loved, I wept. At 20, however, I could pick myself up just as quickly as I had fallen. Love was momentary. Moments of lust were fleeting and so in a blink of an eye, like a butterfly I could fly away to my next destination; disappear without worries, without regret, without looking back. But letting go gets harder with age. Love becomes more intense and with it so does the heartache. It’s like that with everything, I think. As children were not afraid to fall and bruise ourselves. But as we grow up we realize the consequences of that fall, and we become afraid of the pain.

Breakups nowadays are different. They hurt more, they last longer. Wounds that never completely heal, scars that are always somewhat visible. Each break up feels more cruel than the last. Each pain feels so hurtful, so real, so intense. Each broke my heart, shattering it into a million pieces. They left me to wonder if I am a failure, undeserving of love; not good enough, or smart enough, pretty enough or sexy enough. They left me staring at myself in the mirror, looking at the fool looking back at me and wondering if their dying love was a reflection of my flaws.

I’m not sure who I’m really whining about: My soon to be ex-husband or Mr. Temptation. Or maybe I’m still just moaning about the idea of love; the idea that fell through just when I started to get my hopes up. As much as it was good to know that I could love again, to do so I had to become vulnerable and open up my heart. And so with love failing me again, it feels like a double break up, double pain, and double the trouble.

Tags:
May 1, 2011

Trapped Inside My Mind

by bye2mrwrong

Emptiness, silence, fear, dread, and longing wash over me like a wave at sea. Instantly, I realize why it took me so long to make up my mind. Why I’ve been so persistent in holding on. Why I couldn’t just let go.

As I stare around this little apartment, the windows, and these walls that have confined me, caged me in, and filled my heart with darkness for so long, suddenly I feel like they are my only source of light. Despite the suffocating feeling that this house has caused me, when I felt the walls caving in, trapping me inside; a bizarre melancholy takes its place, now that I know that soon I’ll be gone. I find myself looking around the room, and a peculiar emptiness overcomes me.

I realize that I will miss everything in this house. The peachy colors that paint the walls, the way the rug feels under my feet, the large windows which in summer provided me with sunlight till the late evening hours, the cold breeze in the bedroom that gave me a breath of fresh air, the small bathtub which I bathed in millions of times, the little kitchen which I’ve spent hours in cooking, the pictures that cover the walls, the tiny balcony with its beautiful view of the city, this home that was mine.

Maybe it’s not the house that I’ll miss, but only the memories I  we made here, as girlfriend and boyfriend, as husband and wife. As I walk away from this house I am severing the ties with my EX-husband, with my old lover and friend, with this life. I am released from my cage, but I am still handcuffed. My soul is not yet free and I have not yet found the key to unlock the door and break down the barriers, the frustration, the memories and the pain.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
“…A bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage…
A caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.”

Maya Angelou

April 17, 2011

Forbidden Temptation

by bye2mrwrong

There’s no greater pleasure than surrendering to temptation.

You had been out of my mind for years, buried deep in my past. You had been forgotten, and the tears I shed for you had already long dried. Then unexpectedly as if from another universe you reappeared and waltzed yourself back into my life.

Little effort did you need to intrigue me once more, re-capture my attention, and melt me in the palm of your hand. Pretentious and eloquent you seduced me with your mischievous and sexy words, whispering sweet nothings into my ears as you began to play a little game with my heart.

Thoughts of you began wafting through my mind endlessly, and my infatuation with you grew as the days passed by. I yearned for you with such fervent desire. I hungered for us to be together in the most carnal way imaginable. You had become an addiction for which I wanted an overdose. Irresistible to me, I could no longer wait for your touch. And so I took a risk and let down my guard. I rushed into your arms, and in return you enveloped me with the warmth and affection that I craved so much.

In a race against time, I entrusted you with my most intimate self, lest the dream would shatter, and the intoxicating illusion we were in would turn to dust. Completely caught up in this spell you cast me under, I was sucked into a beautiful fairytale, and I succumbed to my most sensual desires.

With my heart wildly racing, and my body tingling with excitement, I let go of reality and gave into the fantasy. The intensity of the moment, so hot, so passionate, overwhelmed me. I could not remember the last time I had wanted something so much. And in the heat of the moment, I could not stop. With words unspoken you made me feel sexy, and desirable. Your lips were sweet and delicious. I craved for your kisses to last an eternity, for I just couldn’t seem to get enough. Wrapping my legs around your waist I drew you to me. Arms wrapped up in one another, fingers laced, hands gripping flesh, teeth biting shoulders. Straining my neck to kiss you as your grip tightened and you pushed your body against mine. I could feel your heart beating quickly, your breath warm on mine. Lost in the sensational moment which seemed to last forever, I was yours, and in that moment you were mine.

Two weeks of blissful indulgence before I landed back in reality. You were no longer there. The thrill for you now gone, forced me in to playing the waiting game. Leaving me restless with unanswered questions: will you call, will you write? Will you still love me tomorrow?

Days have gone by, your silence crushing me, left my soul tortured. Feeling tiny and invisible, emptiness consumed me. You have stripped off not only my clothes, but also the walls protecting my heart. Bleeding, my veins have been cut open for you; my beautifully-broken heart naked, exposed and fragile. And as your memory fades away, I wonder if the pleasure outweighs the pain? If for you it was just lust? And if we’ll ever meet again?

April 5, 2011

The Idea of Love

by bye2mrwrong

It was on an unexpected day that I fell back in love. It came in the form of a handsome young man (a few years younger than me), with blond hair, full luscious lips, and the most beautiful and intense blue eyes. He made me feel alive once more. I don’t know if it was because he made me smile again, or because he paid me a few compliments and made me feel desirable, or just because he called and was intent on taking me out. But the moment his lips kissed mine I could not help but fall deeply in love. I felt those butterflies in my stomach again. The ones I have so longed for. I suddenly felt a flame within my soul lighting up again, a desire within my body to live, to love.

I know now that it wasn’t him who I fell in love with. We were never meant to be together (at least not for long). It was the idea of love that consumed me; the thought of not being alone anymore, of having someone to hold who would hold me back, of having someone to go out with, to laugh with, to talk to.

But sometimes an idea is bound to stay just that. And as fast as the idea came, it disappeared. And I was left once again with a distant memory of love. But after everything I’ve gone through, I have no regrets of this quick love that has come and gone. I am happy that I was I mean I am able to fall in love again. Maybe it wasn’t even love. Maybe it was lust. Or as everyone has termed it “the rebound”. But whatever it was it was good while it lasted. It made me feel alive and happy.  And it made me realize that I can trust again. I can be vulnerable, I can take risks and above all I can still feel.

April 1, 2011

Fairytales

by bye2mrwrong

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” Charles Bukowski

For a brief moment I stopped writing. I was away on a holiday, a vacation, a fairytale. I was in love. Swept away by a prince to a far away land. Hoping that maybe this was the last frog this princess will have to kiss.

But coming back to reality, to this life, I feel out of balance as if I am about to fall and I know the crash will be hard. Everything I built, every ounce of strength I gained, every hope and dream I had has crashed down on me; and I feel myself falling back into the old patterns of depression and desperation which took control of me only a few months ago.

This house, these walls, this bed will not let me rest in peace. As soon as the darkness falls with it so does my mood and I find myself succumbing to my fears, crumbling to tears, fading away in the shadows. I sleep and wish to never be awoken. It is a safe world in my dreams. It is only there that I can escape from the harshness of reality. But before I close my eyes and let all thoughts vanish, the darkness creeps in. And from the darkness the devil comes out to tease and taunt me. To play with my feelings and stress my loneliness. The darkness shows me who I really am, the same weak and pathetic little girl I have been fighting so hard to ignore as I stare at her every day in the mirror.

I am left in the dark of night to ponder about my life that was, and of the life I wish to be in. I am left in the silence defenseless and alone to talk only to the voices in my head. The ones that criticize me for my failures. The ones that tell me that I am worthless until someone realizes the gem I am. I am left with my desperate thoughts and my gloomy memories. I am left with uncertainty and pain. I am left alone.

Yet still from within despair, I am not yet completely discouraged, for I have precious illusions in my head. And the hope that somewhere out there is a frog waiting to be kissed, waiting to turn into my knight in shining armor so he can come and rescue me.

January 13, 2011

Wasted Time

by bye2mrwrong

In our lives there are many moments when we wait. As kids we wait to go to big school, we wait to get a bike without training wheels; we wait for our turn on the computer, or in line for a roller coaster ride. We wait impatiently to be chosen for a team in sports class and hope we won’t get picked last, we wait for our exam results and pray to God we passed. We wait for our dinner to be ready as our stomach makes growling sounds, and most of all we wait to grow up.

As teens we wait for our life to begin, we wait for people to treat us like the adults we believe we are. We wait to get our driver’s license, we wait for a phone call from that special someone we have a crush on, and above all we wait to be at a legal drinking age so that the real fun can start.

And as adults we keep on waiting. We wait for a reaction to that resume we sent in last week, or for a work meeting to start. We wait for a friend to show up and get a bit annoyed when they are late yet again, and we wait to meet our soul mate. We wait, we hope, we dream, and we look back at what we left behind.

But is our time so invaluable, so un-precious, that we should spend it waiting? What if it’s all just wasted time? What are we really waiting for? Shouldn’t we learn from the past and look to the future, seize the day, and make things happen instead of waiting for faith, or destiny to strike?!

For the past year my life has been a waiting game. While everyone’s life around me continues; friends are getting promotions, changing jobs, getting engaged, having babies, and meeting new loves; my life has been on hold, worse, it has come to a complete stop.

I’m so sick of it, so tired of waiting. I see the lines underneath my eyes (is that tiredness or depression?), the wrinkles in my face; and the white hairs starting to show. And I hear that biological clock tick away as it realizes that it is now further than ever from what just yesterday seemed so close by. I’m tired of fighting with my own demons, tired of crying, tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of being angry at everyone around me and tired of worrying that it’s all been wasted time.

And that’s exactly what I feel; it’s what I’m afraid of. My life wasted away even more as I wait for something no longer under my control. Waiting for the divorce to go through, for signatures to be signed, and inventory to be appraised. Waiting for a reaction from my lawyer, or a reaction from his. Waiting for the tears to stop falling, and the pain to go away. Waiting for karma to show its true face and for the universe to balance out. Waiting for my good deeds to be rewarded, and for his bad deeds to be punished. I am waiting until I can stop my mind from wondering what I left behind, and from worrying ’bout this wasted time.

“Well baby, there you stand, With your little head down in your hand. Oh my god, you can’t believe it’s happening again. Your baby’s gone and you’re all alone, and it looks like the end. You’re back out on the street. And you’re trying to remember. How will you start it over? You don’t know if you can. You don’t care much for a stranger’s touch, but you can’t hold your man. You never thought you’d be alone this far down the line.  And I know what’s been on your mind. You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time. The autumn leaves have got you thinking. About the first time that you fell. You didn’t love the boy too much. You just loved the boy to well. So you live from day-to-day. And you dream about tomorrow. And the hours go by like minutes, and the shadows come to stay. So you take a little something to make them go away. And I could have done so many things, baby. If I could only stop my mind. From wondering what I left behind. And from worrying ’bout this wasted time. Another love has come and gone. And the years keep rushing on. I remember what you told me before you went out on your own: ’Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone’. So you can get on with your search, baby. And I can get on with mine. And maybe someday we will find,That it wasn’t really wasted time.” The Eagles

December 2, 2010

Wishing for a Miracle…

by bye2mrwrong

December has come upon us and with it so has the winter. Just like on my blog its snowing outside which means that it’s frrrreeeeeezing….

I love this time of year with its romantic festive season atmosphere. Winter sales are coming up, which means more shopping and more fun! Christmas markets whisk us to that enchanting winter magic as we walk around drinking hot  Glühwein. The radio is already starting to play cheerful Christmas songs. And it’s always so beautiful outside, roads covered with snow, making everything look so pure and clean. The fairy lights and decorations fill the streets outside, while fires are burning inside.

But this year, I feel the urge to complain! Not necessarily because its cold, and I look like a big bear all bundled up in my 4 layers of cloth and big coat every time I have to go out. And also not because yesterday I slipped and fell on the ice (I’m used to being clumsy now and then).

As the winter cold creeps into my bones, the cold reality hits me… out of 31 years, this year has been my worst year ever, and I am SO ready to move on to the next one. It seems only fair that 2011 will bring with it a better fortune. I feel that I deserve to get something good coming my way, after this long, depressing, lonely and turbulent year. (Here’s to hoping!)

The season holidays are upon us, and they seem to be making me even more sentimental, nostalgic and lonelier then ever. Today is the second day of Hanukkah the Jewish Holiday. This is a festival of lights in the season of darkness. It is about courage and hope in the toughest of times. A celebration of miracles, and I seem to be dreaming for a miracle to happen to me.

Christmas is coming up, and this of all holidays is the time to be with the one you love, with your family and friends. And I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be spending this Christmas home alone?

And then there’s the New Year, which has always been a time for looking back to the past, and more importantly, forward to the coming year. It’s a time to reflect on the changes we want (or need) to make.

So to everyone who’s feeling a little bit lonely and cold (like me); I want to wish you all the best for this season.  And here’s a little recipe for Glühwein that may warm up your heart:

· 1 bottle of dry red wine
· 3/4cup water
· 3/4 cup of sugar
· 2 cinnamon sticks
· 5-10 whole cloves
· 1 orange (squeeze juice and add peel)
· 1 shot Amaretto (recommended!)

Pour the wine into a large pot, add all spices and begin heating over low heat. Heat thoroughly, but do not allow to boil! Steep for about 10 minutes over low heat. Add more sugar or spices, if desired, stirring well so it dissolves.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE HE <!–[if gte mso 10]>

· 1 bottle of dry red wine
· 3/4cupwater (or orange juice)
· 3/4 cup of sugar
· 2 cinnamon sticks
· 5-10 whole cloves
· 1 orange (squeeze juice and add peel)
· 1 shot amaretto (recommended!)

Pour the wine into a large pot, add all spices and begin heating over low heat. Heat thoroughly, but do not allow to boil! Steep for about 10 minutes over low heat. Add more sugar or spices, if desired, stirring well so it dissolves.