Archive for ‘Loneliness’

December 29, 2011

Fooling the Fool

by bye2mrwrong

“Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t see the pain someone else feels”

Once upon a time I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I am on the bottom. Once I thought my life was falling into place. Now I feel like it has fallen apart. So Who am I Fooling? Can’t they see behind this mask? Don’t they feel my pain?

I’ve been down in the dumps the last few days. Or is it months? I can’t remember. It seems this year I’ve been more sad than happy, more down than up, more tearful then cheery. And by now it’s hard to remember when I’ve been gloomy or why. On the up side it does make it easy to recall the few great moments I’ve had. Those few passionate kisses, the rare moonlight strolls, the gentle touch of hands wiping away my tears, the tights bear hugs, the memorable chats that seemed to go on forever, the wild dancing in the nights, the reckless drunken moments of craziness, the rolling laughter and the fun.

Yes they say that in order to truly appreciate the good one must first experience bad. But who are we fooling? Would I have enjoyed the good less if I wasn’t in such a slump? Can good not be fully appreciated when contrasted with neutrality or indifference rather than with bad?

I know I know. I’ve heard it all before. “Love yourself first”, “Learn to be happy on your own”, “It’s empowering not to need a man”, and “You are more than the men you like”. But as much as I keep hearing these things, I also know that the whole Fake It Till You Make It isn’t really working for me. Either I really like being in victim mode, or I just don’t know how to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop looking at other couples in envy. I want to stop being jealous when I see a pregnant lady walking by. I want the dream. YES I want to be in a relationship. And not just any relationship, but a LOVING relationship. Not because I’m pathetic, or weak or lack self-esteem when I’m on my own. But because I’m human. And we humans, as the social animals that we are want contact. Someone else to be with, to share ourselves with, to laugh with, to love. Is it so wrong to want it? Is it so bad to think I deserve it?

 I’m not sure if people don’t realize or just don’t want to realize how sad I am. They see this as a fresh start to my new life. All doors are wide open and I am free to walk through any one of them. But those who truly know me can probably tell that although I keep myself busy,no not just busy but exhausted. Although I am overloaded with work, and surrounded by friends… I am not in a happy place. Not just yet.

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December 9, 2011

Time Heals All Pain…

by bye2mrwrong

…but for some it may take a little longer.

As it snows once again on the pages of my blog, I suddenly realize that it’s been more than a year since I’ve been blogging. More than a year since I’ve been writing, sharing my deepest feelings and my inner-most thoughts. More than a year of hurting, crying and then bleeding it out on these pages in dire need of support, of a listening ear, sometimes in need of more.

Only a few months ago this was my canvas and I needed my words spilt across it like blood. I was an emotional wreck, out of control. And in an attempt to fill the pain of lost love, I drowned myself in wild nights of dancing filled with men and rum. I am not sure which one I consumed more of…either way, it never seemed enough.

Time, it changes everything. Just a few months ago I was a mess. Today… today I woke up and as I sat up in bed and saw myself in the mirror in front of me, I noticed that I was alone. I smiled sadly at the reflection and pondered at my new reality. Only a year ago I would have woken up in his arms. Feeling warm, comforted, and secure.

Thankfully the thought did not linger long. It’s not that I’m over him. But I guess I’m adjusting to this new life. I cannot say that I do not think about him. His name crosses my lips at least once a day and he is often present in my thoughts. At times I just wonder what he’s doing, or how he’s doing without me. And when I feel particularly lonely,  I ruminate if I would have been happier with him right now.

Mostly I allow my mind to remember only the good which makes me reminisce. But once in a while a waft of bad memories come flooding into my mind. And then I wonder if it’s truly him I’m missing or just the feeling of being in a relationship and of being loved. Cause “maybe, just maybe, the best thing we can ever do is admit and accept that someone isn’t right for us. Even if at one point, we swore they were Mr. Right.”

October 19, 2011

Returning To The Place Where It All Began

by bye2mrwrong

I had 8 days to spend back there, in the place where it all began and the place where it all ended. The place that built me and broke me. The place where I turned from a girl into a woman, from a woman to a wife, and from a wife to a divorcee’.

I had 8 days to pass there, and where once 8 days would have seemed like a flash; in a moment of fear and dread, 8 days seemed like forever.  Wanting to return before I even got there, missing my family, my friends, my room, and my home before I event left; the tension and the fear made me suddenly realize how fast I have adjusted to my new life, to my new surroundings. How quickly I already felt at home in this new place.

Funny how so many things in life are taken for granted. How I didn’t even realize how quickly I fit straight back in. Knowing the circumstances of my return, and that it was not me who wanted to leave in the first place, I never thought I would enjoy myself as much as I do in my new life. I never thought I would fit quite so easily without skipping a beat. I never imagined myself falling straight on my feet, ready to run again.

But apparently all I needed was to go back to the place where it all began in order to realize I am in a much better place now. I am much more content. Much happier and relaxed.  They say that “one way to appreciate what you have is to imagine yourself without it.” I guess as much as I took being back home for granted, imagined it would never suit me, or satisfy me… I now realize I love being back. It doesn’t mean I am never nostalgic, or sad, regretful, or reminiscent of my past; but it means I am also coming to terms with the new place I am in, my new life, my new beginning.

October 8, 2011

Chasing The Future, She Stumbled Into Her Past

by bye2mrwrong

“Setback we face them every day.

Some cause us to stumble;

others bring us to our knees. 

 Each setback brings with it the opportunity to rise up,

to be stronger and better and braver than before”

The date is set, it is coming upon me, and ever since I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. The closer it gets the heavier my heart feels, and the more nervous I am. I feel stuck again. Devastated. Uninspired. I’ve checked out, and yet feel restless even in my sleep. I wonder how much of a setback this will be. How will feel? And how much will it hurt?

But where would we be without struggle, without hardship, and pain? It’s easy to forget how much these moments teach and shape us. How different we would be without them. And it seems that everyone thinks I have grown so much from this. I just wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. I wish I was doing as good as everyone believes, or as good as I pretend. Fake it till you make it, right? Well I’ve been doing it, or at least trying. I’ve been shutting off my thoughts, pushing them deeper, ignoring them, I’ve been closing the faucets in the corner of my eyes, not allowing myself to cry, or feel vulnerable or hurt. I’ve been numbing the pain. No longer talking about it, or writing it down. Hoping that ignoring it will make it go away.

I’ve been told that all it takes is just the conscious choice to be in a good place, a choice to see the positive spin on things, to see the beauty that others see. So I’ve been pretending that I’ve moved on, that I’m alright. I’ve been showing interest in new men, in a new job, in my new life. But it’s all been a lie. I still feel everything I felt before. I am still attached to the life I left behind. I still miss being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend. I still miss waking up together next to someone enfolded in his arms, I still miss cooking for two, and I still miss our regular outings, our friends, going to movies, holding hands. I miss that comfort that I had. All I really want is some comfort, and a way to calm the angry voice. All I really wish for is happiness. I’m not sure with whom but in general. I just want to find my place. To be happy again. To love and be loved in return.

September 19, 2011

The Best is Yet To Come

by bye2mrwrong


My birthday turned out fine. Yes I spent the first few hours of it in victim mode, depressed, sad and lonely. I didn’t weep quietly or wipe away a tear or two; no I cried and cried, loud and messy till there was no more tears left to cry. I wallowed in misery and self-pity, walking around sorry for myself, refusing to be happy for being alive.

But my day quickly turned around and by noon there were barely any tears left. Logic had set in. Realizing how much love the universe was sending my way I wiped my nose, dried my eyes and turned my upset face into a smile. Since midnight I had received countless messages on my Facebook, numerous phone calls on Skype, some text messages on my mobile, and a few notes on my blog, all filled with many wishes from friends and family both here and abroad. And then before going out to dinner with my family, when I least expected it I received the best gift of all. A bouquet of roses, red and white, beautifully tied in a golden bow. The bouquet was from a man, but not just any man. It was from the man I least expected it from, yet most cherished. And that simple gesture from none other than my “baby” brother meant the world to me.

So yes, maybe like lesson #45 says: the best is yet to come. Maybe when one door closes it’s not a window that opens up, but rather another door, a better one. It’s just that so often we look so long and so regretfully at the door that closed that we do not see the one that opened up for us. And yes maybe it is true that in the midst of difficulty lies opportunity. The pessimist in me sees the difficulty in every opportunity; but it is the optimist in me that still searches with hope for that opportunity that lies in every difficulty. So maybe life isn’t tied with a bow (like my bouquet of flowers), but it’s still a gift. And that’s lesson #50, the last lesson of the book “Life’s Little Detours” by Regina Brett. So have I discovered all the secrets to finding and holding on to happiness? I’m not sure. But I know I will get there, because the best is yet to come.

September 12, 2011

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

by bye2mrwrong


You would cry too if it happened to you. Yes it’s my birthday and I am officially old. I know I said that last year and the year before that too. But at least back then my life seemed to be on track. I had a great job, a wonderful husband, and I was already entertaining the thought of having kids. Now it’s all just fallen to pieces. And I can’t seem to get them back into place. No amount of glue seems to be able to place those pieces where they belong and keep them together. So in the deep of the night, when I can’t fall asleep, and my thoughts haunt me, I secretly fall apart.

I HATE him. I really do. For making me vulnerable. For making me endure so much pain. For hurting me like I never knew someone could hurt. For making false promises. For feeding me lies. For wasting my time. For taking the best years of my life. For throwing them away. For making me love him, but not loving me enough.  For wanting to stay friends now that we are divorced. For asking about me and showing interest. For knowing how to manipulate me. For the greatest mind f#uck of all times. For making me feel guilty, even now. For making me feel like a victim. For taking me away from my comfort zone. For making me have to start a brand new life. For making me doubt myself. For making me so insecure. For loving her. For making me feel so unloved. For making me feel unworthy. For making me feel I wasn’t enough. For making me feel unsexy. For making me feel I will never get what I want in love, in life. For making me lose faith yet still have hope. For making me a skeptic, yet not enough to protect my heart. For making me feel I should just settle for Mr. Right now, rather than Mr. Right. For making me crave the touch of a man. For making me miss being hugged. For making me feel miserable and lonely. For the depression that attacks me especially at night. For not loving me unconditionally until death do us part. For creeping into my thoughts and somehow controlling them. For breaking me, and shattering my heart. For not being the one.

I hate him for doing this to me. Or am I doing this to myself? Maybe I hate me.

September 6, 2011

Behind the Mask

by bye2mrwrong

Behind this mask, behind the pretty face, and that beautifully innocent smile; behind the giggles and the gentle voice, behind the pretense of confidence and self-assurance; is a vulnerable girl, damaged, broken, hurt and lonely.

A girl, who craves attention, yearns for a hug and a passionate kiss. A girl who wants to be loved and knows that she still has so much more love in her to give. A girl who wants to wake up entangled in someone else’s arms. A girl who longs for the warmth of a man, his body engulfing mine. A girl who lacks patience because she wants it all and she wants it now.

And the more I want it, the more I realize that I am alone. Alone and lonely. Feelings of loneliness ambush me especially at night. While my days may be busy and full of laughter, my nights are sleepless, endless and lonesome. On those lonely nights thoughts, uncontrollable and unwanted, invade my mind and consume me leaving me sad, mad, even enraged. Sometimes those thoughts carry on into the daylight. It can happen suddenly and it always catches me off guard. Usually it happens when I’m alone, without my mask. When I allow myself to feel. The tears well up in my eyes and I just start crying. It could be in the car while I’m driving; suddenly an old tune on the radio reminds me of him. Sometimes it’s just an old couple walking together hand in hand; the vision of them fills me with envy and remorse of that future that I so wanted and am afraid I will never have. Sometimes it’s a pregnant lady or a baby laying there so sweet and silent in their stroller, eyes twinkling with laughter looking straight at me.

I know I should learn to love myself first, before I let someone else love me. I know I should learn to enjoy myself, to be independent and on my own. Yet still I can’t help but wonder, is this life better? Can I live with this loneliness? I was happy as part of a couple. I was happy with compromising. I was satisfied in my life. Content with my comfort. I didn’t ask for much more. Why did he have to take it away from me?

I want it back, that life. Not necessarily with him. But I want the comfort. Maybe it’s that little control freak in me that just wants to know what each day will bring. No surprises, no butterflies, no highs or lows. Just an easy peaceful feeling that comes with being comfortable. With knowing the man at my side. Knowing I don’t have to impress him, but he’ll still love me. Knowing how to make him happy. Knowing he will make me smile.

I want to shed the mask, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I want to tear down the wall I built without getting hurt. I want to remove the pain that lies beneath. I want to move forward without regret of the past I once had, or the future I dreamed of.

August 20, 2011

No Escaping You

by bye2mrwrong

I only thought about you once today. I never stopped.

Lying on my back I slowly wake up as the sun’s rays hit my face, shining brightly through the window. Suddenly I realize what day it is. I turn away from the sun light, shut my eyes tightly and try to forget. Maybe I can sleep the day away, let it skip me.

But it’s too late. Thoughts of you drift into my head and I try hard to remember the exact feeling I had last year as I woke up next to you. What did we do on this day? What were we feeling?

Conversations we had run through my mind. I see your face above me, smiling sweetly. For a moment I fall asleep again. In my dreams I feel your warmth and love. Nothing has changed, we are together. You’re lying next to me. My fingers entangled in your hair, and my leg on top of yours hugging your body close to me.

Then I wake up again and tears fill my eyes. Instead of thinking about the past, my thoughts now drift onto the future. How happy we could have been. I can still imagine us together. I can see us lying in our bed. I look around, everything is so familiar. The color of the walls, the design on our favorite bed sheets, the smell of your cologne wafting in the air, the sound of your voice, the touch of your skin.

I fall asleep again hoping not to plunge once more into the prison of my mind. I yearn to escape my thoughts. But there is no escaping you today.  Maybe by next year it won’t sting so hard, it won’t feel so real. Maybe then something in me will have changed. And your memory will be a distant one. A bitter-sweet memory that will have faded away.

June 19, 2011

Moment of Truth

by bye2mrwrong

I just had an enlightened moment. All this time I had this feeling that I had lowered my standards. That I had lost myself in this game of love. I lost the girl who had hopes. I lost the will to have dreams. I lost my self-confidence, forgot who I was and let myself be defined by the men in my life.

But suddenly it hit me. I don’t have to search for me at all, because I never lost me. I’ve always been here. The girl who always believed and the woman who makes her own choices in life.

Yes I came to this country for a man, for love.  But given the chance I’d do it again. Not because a man asked me to, but because I want to, for me. I didn’t do it because I was weak, I did it because it’s what I wanted. I chose to move, I chose to take a chance on love, on life. I chose the road that I walked on. I chose my fate, my destiny, my life. And while I was happy with my man, I was happy with my choice. So yes, some women will make fewer compromises than I. They will follow their career. They live to work. Me, I work to live. And instead of following a career, I followed my heart. A career I can make anywhere I choose. And I chose to make it next to the one I loved.

And now that this story has come to an end; I may be less naïve and trusting than before. And I may be more cynical. I may be more sheltered. And I may be more skeptical. But I am still willing to give up everything for love, as long as in the process I don’t give up the most important thing of all: ME.

I AM…
“I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL, AND A GROWN WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING AND CARING AND THOUGHTFUL AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, AND CAREFUL AND CARELESS. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED, AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHILE I’M DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION BUT NOT TRUE LOVE. I LOVE YOU AND I PUSH YOU AWAY. I WANT YOU BUT NOT SO CLOSE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE AND ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME.

June 13, 2011

I Walk Alone on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

by bye2mrwrong

Sometimes when I’m alone, in the dead of the night, I can feel the pain creep in and remind me; physically hurting me, tormenting me, playing its cruel little game with my heart only to crucify me once more. But it seems that sometimes in order to learn we need to make mistakes, and repeat them; until we can truly learn to walk alone without faltering.

I do not want to pick up the broken pieces by myself. I do not want to continue on the road alone. But life doesn’t always give us a choice. Sometimes we are dealt a raw hand. And sometimes “God allows us to feel empty so that we hunger for a greater love”. Until that greater love comes I walk alone.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
‘Til then I walk alone.

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