Archive for ‘Family’

June 9, 2011

Baby Brother

by bye2mrwrong

I interrupt my usual messages to introduce to you today my baby brother. Brown hair and brown eyes, gorgeous face with a dazzling smile, wide shouldered, and approx 6 “feet tall (no he’s not really a baby anymore, and girls this is not an advert although he is available). Today my brother turns 23 years old.  Happy Birthday Baby!

23! Despite that he will always be my baby brother (and in general the baby of the family) that’s basically a man. At that age I had already left home to the other side of the world, was in the middle of my bachelor studies and was in a serious committed relationship.

All grown up he has turned into a fine young lad; cute but modest, intelligent but apathetic, funny but recluse, sweet but cunning, sarcastic but polite. I wish I could say more about my brother. I wish I could tell you stories of the times we spent together, or of the moments that bonded us. Yes I do recall some special moments, some fights when we were kids, some moments of laughter and some moments of tears. Trips we went on, and beers we drank. But having spent the best years of his life OUT of his life I am afraid that I barely know him. I have missed out on those things that bond brothers and sisters together.

Let me go back a bit. When I came here 10 years ago I came as a young girl, barely 21, naive and positive I had a heart full of hope and a head full of dreams. Given the promise of love, courageous and excited I ran toward it leaving everything else behind. 10 years later I am to return with a broken heart and crushed dreams. Back to where I started, to the people and the life I have left behind; people who have not forgotten me, but with time have grown apart.

So do I get a chance to create new memories, to make a new stronger connection with my baby brother? I hope so. But I’m not sure; because as I move back in, he will shortly be moving out, starting down his own journey, just as I did at that age. Going off to study (although not in a foreign land) but in a different city. Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll have some time to spend with his big sister, in between studying, going out with friends and giving time to some special girl he may or may not have.

Whatever happens, I hope he knows I’ve always got his back (and to be honest since he’s so much bigger and taller than me, I actually hope he’s got mine). And more importantly I hope he knows that no matter the distance I’ll always love him, cause he’ll always be my baby brother.

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May 18, 2011

The Love of a Father

by bye2mrwrong

I’ve been pondering lately about why it is that some girls like me have this vision of prince charming on his magnificent white horse? Why are we always on this hunt for Mr. Right? What has led us to believe that we will bump into this perfect stranger and that this stranger might be the “one”? The one, who fits us flawlessly, thinks we’re perfectly wonderful, sexy and smart. He laughs at our jokes, is interested in what we have to say, and completes us in every way. And best of all he wants to be with us till death do us part.

And then it hit me. My whole life I’ve grown around that man. That wonderful person who has been a constant in my life. The first love of my life, my father.  This is a man who has always made me feel good about myself. Told me how beautiful and bright I was, listened to everything I had to say, gave me security when I needed it but also pushed me forward to reach the horizon.

A man who ran behind my bike for the 100th time to prevent me from falling and bruising my knees because this girl had (and still has) no sense of balance.

A man who sang me songs before bedtime with his beautiful voice; songs which till this very day when I hear them make me tear up. And as I grew up  he read me bedtime stories and books. We read the hobbit together when I was only five. Chapter by chapter we would solve the riddles making our way to the end of the adventurous tale.

A man who had pneumonia for a week after jumping into the chilly waters of Lake Michigan in the breezy April air to get my $1 Frisbee which had fallen in, and I couldn’t bear to live without.

A man who broke his arm, as he let go of his daughter’s hand to twirl around on the ice skating rink, trying to impress me. Mission accomplished dad I’m impressed!

A man who sadly accepted his little girl would never be the math whiz he was, but would still sit with me till the early hours of dawn, tears in his eyes and frustration plastered all over his face, helping me study for a mathematics exam, as we sat side by side solving the problems away.

The more I think about it, the more clear it seems to me, that the reason I still believe in love, in relationships and in men; the reason I still believe that one day I’ll find a man who is so wonderful, so caring, so loving, and so worth it…is because I know they exist. I’ve been lucky enough to meet that man and grow up at his side. Or maybe I should say my mother was lucky (and smart) enough to meet him, fall in love with him and marry him.

Happy Birthday Dad! Here’s to many more years spent together.

February 14, 2011

Breaking the Silence

by bye2mrwrong

In the past year my husband and I had many MANY arguments, heated discussions and fights. Days of silence and pretences would be broken with violent words flying across the room. Mostly it was hashing and rehashing of the same things that had already been said. We would shout, I would cry, tones were raised. As if screaming it any louder would make us hear better.

But it seemed to me like my husband never really heard me. Maybe he heard but he didn’t listen. Maybe he listened but he didn’t internalize, maybe he internalized but he didn’t understand, and he most definitely didn’t want to agree or admit defeat, take on the blame, the responsibility, or the guilt. So I kept repeating everything over and over again. But words were unnecessary, meaningless, and damaging. They came flying back as a boomerang straight at me, crashing in painfully, piercing me, and tearing me back down.

I talked about how ever since I graduated from University and got a job, he didn’t feel I needed him. As if my intelligence was in the way of his pride and my financial independence strained him. I tried to explain that wanting someone was better than needing them. I tried to show him the error of his ways. I pointed out how he only surrounded himself with weak people, less intelligent or savvy so that he could feel 10 feet tall, and they could praise him.

I talked about how he always defended the other woman and stuck up for her instead of me, his wife. How he was falling for her tortured soul act when she was making it look like she was the poor victim in all of this and I was the villain out to terrorize her and ruin her life.

I talked about the pain I felt when his entire family dropped me in a second, hanging up my picture so they could tear me down, so prematurely, uninviting me to family events so as not to ruin the atmosphere, or telling me they only wanted to talk about good things. Good things? What good things did I have to talk about when my life was crumbling down before my very eyes?!

I talked about how she would end up breaking the entire family, and how he had ruined what could have been the best relationship ever. I talked about my feelings; the lack of trust, the countless lies that were spoken only to be broken, the deceit. I spoke of my love and how it felt like everything I wanted to give was everything he couldn’t take. I talked, I cried, and I hopelessly prayed and wished for everything to return to normal.

Eventually my tears dried up and there was nothing left to say; only silence remained. So in the end I decided to just let the SILENCE speak for itself…

February 7, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law: Father Figure

by bye2mrwrong

Now I love this man, I truly do. He used to give me these big bear hugs that I knew meant that he loved me right back. And when I looked at him, I could see an older version of my husband. One that was a bit more knowledgeable, and wise, a bit more calm and relaxed, a bit less aggressive. But the jokes were the same, and the way he teased his wife reminded me of the way my husband would sometimes tease me. It was loving, adorable and cute.

But with all his greatness, the dad was never really a good father. Due to the divorce he left the house when my husband was 8 and his brother 5 years old. He had never really made an effort, never called, or sent a birthday card, never kept in touch or took his kids out on an outing, never bonded with them and never played the role-model figure he should have been.

For a man who lived only 5 minutes away from his children, I couldn’t help but wonder what made him so distant, detached and aloof? Was it just his nature? Or maybe the divorce (and the horrible truth behind it) had left him so broken and fragile that he decided to distance himself from anything and everything which reminded him of his wife (including his own kids).

But once I found out the true reason for their divorce, mommy dearest’s affair, I was mad and I blame him for the burden he put on my husband. For preferring to let my husband believe for 35 years that HE had been the reason for the divorce of his parents. That he had been a heavy load on their relationship, a difficult child who came unexpectedly and put strain on their young love. Unexpected? She stopped taking the pill (because it was good to stop once in a while). How unexpected is that? Difficult? Isn’t every child difficult? Yes its difficult waking up at 4am to feed your crying baby. But it didn’t stop them from having a second one. And yes when you chose to have a child you chose to run around, teach them how to swim, or how to bike, pick them up when they fall down.

As for his second wife, she too is a good woman, kind and caring. But she too in my eyes should assume the responsibility of the lack of bond between the dad and his two sons. While she made sure that he would be close to her family, she did not nudge him to be close to his. After all why would she want him to have a bond to children not her own, while she blindly accepted a child-free life with this man.

All in all, although the father is a good man because he never played a dominant role in my husband’s life, unfortunately he did not contribute to my husbands development. He did not show him how to become a good man, a good husband, or a good father.

February 6, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law: Mommy Dearest

by bye2mrwrong

The fact that a woman carries a child for 9 months in her womb entitles her with the label mommy. But it says nothing about what kind of mom she really is.

I know most people have problems with their in-laws, so you wouldn’t expect me to say anything good about mine. But this wasn’t my case. I never had any problems with my mother-in-law, or how she treated me. We had our moments of fun. But I always resented how she treated the men in her life especially my husband. At times I blame her for who he has become today. After all how can you become a stable man, if you had an unstable childhood? How can you become loving, if you were never taught to love? How can you become trusting, if your role model always lied?

Mommy dearest never read a single book to her children, or sang them a lullaby. She didn’t sit with them to do their homework, or teach them the morals of life.

Her love for my husband’s brother, her “baby”, was always evident and caused unhealthy jealousy and rivalry between the two brothers. While she paid for one to get his driver’s license she did not pay for the other. While she let one stay at home till the age of 25 (when he was ready to leave), she kicked out the other at the age of 17 despite his rent payments. While she treated one like a baby who always needed support and compassion, she treated the other like a street-dog who could manage on his own.

This witch, narcissistic and full of self-love, used everyone around her for her own benefit. She could spend money on herself and her own indulgences, but let her son starve because he had his own money. Selfish and egoistic, she put herself and her hobbies (one of which included having affairs) first and foremost even before her kids. She had an affair on the father with their mutual friend, an affair which split up the family once he found out. And then she had an affair on the affair. This was an affair that lasted for years and years and was subsidized by none other than her partner himself. She would take his hard-earned cash and spend it on a trip for herself to some “so-called” family member on the other side of the world; anything to please herself and get away from her daily chores. But when her partner decided he too was entitled to have an affair of his own, she went crazy and forced him to marry her for financial security.

This man, now her current husband is a dull man. Not sexy, not funny, not interesting. His biggest mistake was having an affair with mommy dearest while she was still married.  So when her husband left her, he was stuck with her and with her two difficult sons. I don’t know how he was at the time, but I can see how through the years he became frustrated with his life. He had wanted children of his own, but she didn’t want more than the two she already had. He wanted a woman who would participate in supporting the household income, something she never got around to but only managed to spend. He compromised on a woman who cleaned the home…but once a week with her 9 cats and lots of junk and clatter meant that it never really looked or smelled clean.

When I met him he was nice, a bit flirty for an older man. But when I did not give my full attention to him; he quickly became disgruntled and would no longer speak to me unless I spoke to him.  Suddenly he refused to speak English and only made my incentive to speak to him even less.

As a man he is quite moody. If he was a woman I would say he has PMS all year round. One day in a great humorous mood, and the next so angry and recluse you could not even say hello to him without feeling you may have said something wrong. If this is how he always was, there is no wonder that the children never treated him as a father and the four of them never became what I would call a family.

February 5, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law: Brotherly Love

by bye2mrwrong

I don’t know if there was something about that year when my husband’s brother was born, maybe something in the water or in the air, but it seems men born in this city in that year are a bit off. Don’t get me wrong, they are all nice enough, but very insecure and weak, sexually inexperienced, and just a bit odd to say the least.

So when he finally met a girl at 30+, he seemed to rush everything, and totally fell head over heels. Of-course having never been with a girl before, or in love for that matter, he fell hard. So when she dumped him after only 3 dates he crashed rock bottom.

I’m not really sure what happened there (it was always a bit of a strange and secretive story) …but I do remember the nights he came over to talk until the light of dawn, the countless times he got drunk and fell asleep on our couch, the vast amount of kilos he shed, and the many tears he cried for her.

And then a few months later, out of the blue she was back into his life, and within two weeks she moved in with him…and things just fast forwarded from there; new car, new bed, new joined bank account, and within 3 months….a new baby on the way.

To be quite honest, after so many years of rivalry, harsh blows and degrading insults, secretly I always thought he did it just to spite my husband, and prove that he was better. To attest that he was not gay (as my husband had so many times teased him) and that he too could find love. It felt as though he just needed to show that he could be first. He had married first and would give his parents their first grandchild. He had won the race!

But when he didn’t want to go for a second child immediately (cause I don’t think he had planned on the first one either, and anyway we hadn’t even had our first, so no need to hurry), rumors have it that his wife slept around with at least 15 different men while he was at work…until one day he got a phone call for an anonymous raging lover who said: “sorry mate, your wife is pregnant. It’s not from me, but I also know it’s not from you”.

I guess you can see how that screws up a person (not that he wasn’t just a little bit screwed up to begin with) and well at that point he realized that not only was the second child definitely not his but maybe even the first child wasn’t either. Nevertheless the idiot did not initiate a divorce but with his hand forced the divorce went quite quick as he  agreed to give everything and was left with nothing but a huge debt, a large alimony sum to pay, and a broken heart. And since until today he is still in love with his first wife, he never did do a DNA test for that child. Maybe it’s his way of still having a bond to her.

It was only 3 months after the divorce was finalized, though still depressed and broken-hearted the idiot just like a puppet was manipulated to take in a new girl into his life. One which not unlike the first would lie and deceive, use and abuse him at her disposal, chew him up and spit him out.

February 5, 2011

Chronicles of the Monsters In-Law

by bye2mrwrong

It has crossed my mind more than once how ignorant and oblivious I must have been, but ignorance is bliss. And when I met my husband at 21 I worshiped the ground he walked on and idealized him as if he were a gold mine I had just struck. I treated him no differently than I would a king. He could do no wrong in my eyes. He was the smartest, the cutest, the funniest, the best.

But when you marry someone, you also marry that person’s family. They come with the package. And blindly I accepted that package. I guess I am guilty by association of being no better. But I should have known better. I should have known we were statistically doomed and that the odds stacked up against us from the beginning. After all a person’s family and the way the person was raised shapes their belief system and who they become as an adult.

February 2, 2011

Uninvited

by bye2mrwrong

Whenever you break up with someone, you don’t just break up with one person. You break up with their family their friends and their dog.  It’s inevitable, sad and annoying. Now not only have you lost your other half, you lost lots of other pieces of you as well.

So now I have an ex-husband, ex-friends, and an ex-life I need to get over. OK, I lost a cat rather than a dog, and I can’t say it’s such a big loss to lose my husband’s family. But still for 10 years they were my “in-laws”.

After all when it comes to choosing sides, my friends and family chose mine, so its logical that out of loyalty, his friends and family would choose his (even though he screwed up). I mean no one can really stay neutral in such a breakup as this. It’s like saying you’re pro Palestine but also pro-Israel. That just doesn’t work.

Suddenly you are no longer invited to family events. On your birthday you no longer get phonecalls and cards, and the Christmas cards this year never arrived (must still be lost in the mail)…I have to say that since I wasn’t the one who had an affair; I never really got evil looks from his friends or family. But I remember the wound I felt in my heart when before we even officially decided to divorce, I was sitting at his mother’s house and noticed that she had already taken my picture off the wall. The Bitch! And I remember the twist of the knife when his father decided not to invite me to a family gathering. I had been officially uninvited. I felt rejected and alienated. I no longer had a family to rely on.

I knew then that from that moment on I was no longer welcome. I would no longer host family events, would no longer bake cakes, or buy birthday presents. I was no longer part of his family, or his life. The “we” that once was had become an “I”!

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January 26, 2011

Sweet Revenge (Part II)

by bye2mrwrong

One of my co-bloggers wrote that “If another woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him.” While I’m not sure how I feel about this, maybe it is the best revenge. Maybe my husband, his brother and the mistress/slut are on the same level, and therefore deserve each other.

My husband has been looking quite bad lately. Actually I think he looks a bit like a terrorist these days. He’s become super skinny (with no woman to cook for him), he shaved off his beautiful golden hair which I loved so much (most likely to spite me), and he’s grown this long, dark heavy beard (just because he can’t bother to take care of himself and no one else seems to).

Actually I say this, but the fact of the matter is that I haven’t seen him for over a month. I know he comes home sometimes to pick up the mail; but he always does it when I’m not around. I think it has something to do with the guilt. Or at least that’s what I would like to believe.

Last night I heard that it’s over. The brother has dumped the slut and has asked her to leave his house this week. I can’t help but wonder what happened. Has the awful truth finally come out? Did he find out the child is not his? Did he catch her cheating? Has he just had enough of this twisted threesome? And what happens now? Will she keep the baby? And who will take responsibility for it?

I’m not sure how I feel about this all. On the one hand I am a bit upset. Upset because it seems almost a shame that my 10 years have been wasted and are lost, for this one-year, short-lived, and terribly agonizing relationship they had. I want to just scream at both the brothers: Was she worth it? A part of me would even prefer that they would endure this miserable relationship, full of lies and deceit, a bit longer.

But on the other hand I am pleased; pleased that this distorted relationship has crashed in their face, and will be their downfall. That now as the truth comes out, and eyes are beginning to open, this family will be torn apart by their own doing. For so long it has been me who has been falling apart. Finally I can sit back and watch them come undone. I wonder if this is karma beginning to show its face, if this is the taste of sweet revenge?!

January 18, 2011

Déjà Vu

by bye2mrwrong

It was about a year ago when it started. One day out of nowhere my husband invited HER over, an employee from work, who he had recently set up with his brother. She came alone, an innocent visit to chat about how things were going, or rather not going. It was all so very innocent, until she brought up this trip to visit her family in England and how much fun they would all have at the soccer game there.

What? Red flags shot up in my ears. Was this how I was being informed that my husband had already made plans to go to England without having first discussed it with me? I was furious. The sparks in my eyes, and questioning looks, were answered with a casual “oh no, we were just playing around with the idea.”

But it didn’t sound like just an idea to me. It sounded more like the tickets to the match were already bought, and the plans had already been made. Politely I told my husband we would discuss the issue later, not in front of our guest. He made a little fuss… and I could see the way he was looking at her, as if to say: crazy wife – I’ll do what I want in the end in any case.

And that he did. After weeks of arguing about this trip, he went anyway. I could not join as I had no more days off from work (something he knew in advance) and I had not agreed to him going either, but he could not care less.

To me the idea of him joining his brother and his new girlfriend not only on their first trip together, but on a trip intended for her to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents; seemed ridiculous, completely absurd. Actually it was a “tad” inappropriate even. Why would he want to be the third wheel?

Skipping forward one year, I feel a complete sense of Déjà Vu. My husband just went again with his slut and his brother to England to visit her family. Once again, I do not see the point, but by now who am I to interfere? It no longer has anything to do with me.

Still I find it strange and utterly distorted. Has he not learned anything? Why would he want to be the third wheel again? Whose hand does he need to hold as she and his brother tell her religious parents that she is “unexpectedly” pregnant? It doesn’t make sense. What exactly does he need to do there with them, on such an occasion?

It makes me sick to my stomach that no one is capable of seeing how twisted this is? That no one says anything, and that I am the only one who notices how perverted this threesome relationship is. Could it be that the three of them are not sure who the father of the baby is? Could that be the reason for him awkwardly tagging along?

Whatever the reason, it seems to me that “those who cannot learn from history are bound to repeat it”.

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