Archive for ‘Breakups’

December 29, 2011

Fooling the Fool

by bye2mrwrong

“Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t see the pain someone else feels”

Once upon a time I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I am on the bottom. Once I thought my life was falling into place. Now I feel like it has fallen apart. So Who am I Fooling? Can’t they see behind this mask? Don’t they feel my pain?

I’ve been down in the dumps the last few days. Or is it months? I can’t remember. It seems this year I’ve been more sad than happy, more down than up, more tearful then cheery. And by now it’s hard to remember when I’ve been gloomy or why. On the up side it does make it easy to recall the few great moments I’ve had. Those few passionate kisses, the rare moonlight strolls, the gentle touch of hands wiping away my tears, the tights bear hugs, the memorable chats that seemed to go on forever, the wild dancing in the nights, the reckless drunken moments of craziness, the rolling laughter and the fun.

Yes they say that in order to truly appreciate the good one must first experience bad. But who are we fooling? Would I have enjoyed the good less if I wasn’t in such a slump? Can good not be fully appreciated when contrasted with neutrality or indifference rather than with bad?

I know I know. I’ve heard it all before. “Love yourself first”, “Learn to be happy on your own”, “It’s empowering not to need a man”, and “You are more than the men you like”. But as much as I keep hearing these things, I also know that the whole Fake It Till You Make It isn’t really working for me. Either I really like being in victim mode, or I just don’t know how to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop looking at other couples in envy. I want to stop being jealous when I see a pregnant lady walking by. I want the dream. YES I want to be in a relationship. And not just any relationship, but a LOVING relationship. Not because I’m pathetic, or weak or lack self-esteem when I’m on my own. But because I’m human. And we humans, as the social animals that we are want contact. Someone else to be with, to share ourselves with, to laugh with, to love. Is it so wrong to want it? Is it so bad to think I deserve it?

 I’m not sure if people don’t realize or just don’t want to realize how sad I am. They see this as a fresh start to my new life. All doors are wide open and I am free to walk through any one of them. But those who truly know me can probably tell that although I keep myself busy,no not just busy but exhausted. Although I am overloaded with work, and surrounded by friends… I am not in a happy place. Not just yet.

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December 9, 2011

Time Heals All Pain…

by bye2mrwrong

…but for some it may take a little longer.

As it snows once again on the pages of my blog, I suddenly realize that it’s been more than a year since I’ve been blogging. More than a year since I’ve been writing, sharing my deepest feelings and my inner-most thoughts. More than a year of hurting, crying and then bleeding it out on these pages in dire need of support, of a listening ear, sometimes in need of more.

Only a few months ago this was my canvas and I needed my words spilt across it like blood. I was an emotional wreck, out of control. And in an attempt to fill the pain of lost love, I drowned myself in wild nights of dancing filled with men and rum. I am not sure which one I consumed more of…either way, it never seemed enough.

Time, it changes everything. Just a few months ago I was a mess. Today… today I woke up and as I sat up in bed and saw myself in the mirror in front of me, I noticed that I was alone. I smiled sadly at the reflection and pondered at my new reality. Only a year ago I would have woken up in his arms. Feeling warm, comforted, and secure.

Thankfully the thought did not linger long. It’s not that I’m over him. But I guess I’m adjusting to this new life. I cannot say that I do not think about him. His name crosses my lips at least once a day and he is often present in my thoughts. At times I just wonder what he’s doing, or how he’s doing without me. And when I feel particularly lonely,  I ruminate if I would have been happier with him right now.

Mostly I allow my mind to remember only the good which makes me reminisce. But once in a while a waft of bad memories come flooding into my mind. And then I wonder if it’s truly him I’m missing or just the feeling of being in a relationship and of being loved. Cause “maybe, just maybe, the best thing we can ever do is admit and accept that someone isn’t right for us. Even if at one point, we swore they were Mr. Right.”

October 19, 2011

Returning To The Place Where It All Began

by bye2mrwrong

I had 8 days to spend back there, in the place where it all began and the place where it all ended. The place that built me and broke me. The place where I turned from a girl into a woman, from a woman to a wife, and from a wife to a divorcee’.

I had 8 days to pass there, and where once 8 days would have seemed like a flash; in a moment of fear and dread, 8 days seemed like forever.  Wanting to return before I even got there, missing my family, my friends, my room, and my home before I event left; the tension and the fear made me suddenly realize how fast I have adjusted to my new life, to my new surroundings. How quickly I already felt at home in this new place.

Funny how so many things in life are taken for granted. How I didn’t even realize how quickly I fit straight back in. Knowing the circumstances of my return, and that it was not me who wanted to leave in the first place, I never thought I would enjoy myself as much as I do in my new life. I never thought I would fit quite so easily without skipping a beat. I never imagined myself falling straight on my feet, ready to run again.

But apparently all I needed was to go back to the place where it all began in order to realize I am in a much better place now. I am much more content. Much happier and relaxed.  They say that “one way to appreciate what you have is to imagine yourself without it.” I guess as much as I took being back home for granted, imagined it would never suit me, or satisfy me… I now realize I love being back. It doesn’t mean I am never nostalgic, or sad, regretful, or reminiscent of my past; but it means I am also coming to terms with the new place I am in, my new life, my new beginning.

September 12, 2011

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

by bye2mrwrong


You would cry too if it happened to you. Yes it’s my birthday and I am officially old. I know I said that last year and the year before that too. But at least back then my life seemed to be on track. I had a great job, a wonderful husband, and I was already entertaining the thought of having kids. Now it’s all just fallen to pieces. And I can’t seem to get them back into place. No amount of glue seems to be able to place those pieces where they belong and keep them together. So in the deep of the night, when I can’t fall asleep, and my thoughts haunt me, I secretly fall apart.

I HATE him. I really do. For making me vulnerable. For making me endure so much pain. For hurting me like I never knew someone could hurt. For making false promises. For feeding me lies. For wasting my time. For taking the best years of my life. For throwing them away. For making me love him, but not loving me enough.  For wanting to stay friends now that we are divorced. For asking about me and showing interest. For knowing how to manipulate me. For the greatest mind f#uck of all times. For making me feel guilty, even now. For making me feel like a victim. For taking me away from my comfort zone. For making me have to start a brand new life. For making me doubt myself. For making me so insecure. For loving her. For making me feel so unloved. For making me feel unworthy. For making me feel I wasn’t enough. For making me feel unsexy. For making me feel I will never get what I want in love, in life. For making me lose faith yet still have hope. For making me a skeptic, yet not enough to protect my heart. For making me feel I should just settle for Mr. Right now, rather than Mr. Right. For making me crave the touch of a man. For making me miss being hugged. For making me feel miserable and lonely. For the depression that attacks me especially at night. For not loving me unconditionally until death do us part. For creeping into my thoughts and somehow controlling them. For breaking me, and shattering my heart. For not being the one.

I hate him for doing this to me. Or am I doing this to myself? Maybe I hate me.

June 12, 2011

Self-Inflicted Pain

by bye2mrwrong

When we stick our fingers in the fire,why are we so surprised when we get burned?

People hurt themselves in many ways. Some starve their bodies to look beautiful; others cut themselves in order to feel a sense of control. Some get addicted to drugs in hopes of not having to deal with overwhelming feelings. Me, I just fall for the wrong men; and when I fall, I fall hard.

When I fall head over heels for someone I seem to always lose my sense of self. I give my self completely to love and let myself be consumed by its illusion. Insecurities drown me and I willingly allow myself to be bruised and battered. I need to know that someone is desperate to give me their love, that they consider me theirs, and that they will love me when I don’t love myself.

For each man I loved, I wept. At 20, however, I could pick myself up just as quickly as I had fallen. Love was momentary. Moments of lust were fleeting and so in a blink of an eye, like a butterfly I could fly away to my next destination; disappear without worries, without regret, without looking back. But letting go gets harder with age. Love becomes more intense and with it so does the heartache. It’s like that with everything, I think. As children were not afraid to fall and bruise ourselves. But as we grow up we realize the consequences of that fall, and we become afraid of the pain.

Breakups nowadays are different. They hurt more, they last longer. Wounds that never completely heal, scars that are always somewhat visible. Each break up feels more cruel than the last. Each pain feels so hurtful, so real, so intense. Each broke my heart, shattering it into a million pieces. They left me to wonder if I am a failure, undeserving of love; not good enough, or smart enough, pretty enough or sexy enough. They left me staring at myself in the mirror, looking at the fool looking back at me and wondering if their dying love was a reflection of my flaws.

I’m not sure who I’m really whining about: My soon to be ex-husband or Mr. Temptation. Or maybe I’m still just moaning about the idea of love; the idea that fell through just when I started to get my hopes up. As much as it was good to know that I could love again, to do so I had to become vulnerable and open up my heart. And so with love failing me again, it feels like a double break up, double pain, and double the trouble.

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May 29, 2011

Relationship Contingent Self-Esteem

by bye2mrwrong

Another blogger just wrote a post wondering why women stay with cheaters. I understand the question and in the past I would have asked the same. But by now I also understand the answer. I am not one of those women. I left. But the choice was not as simple as ABC. It wasn’t easy to leave, and it sure as hell wasn’t my first choice, or my second for that matter.

 There are a few simple and quite obvious answers to the question of staying such as the number of years you’ve been together with someone, the history you shared, the life you built. After 10, 20 or 30 years it’s not easy to just up and leave because of one “little” mistake. There’s also the other blatant reason for staying: the kids. When you’ve got one, two or even more kids together, wrong or right, sometimes people chose to stay for the kids’ sake.

But what if you haven’t been with someone for that long and you don’t have kids together? Why stay then with a cheater who causes only pain? The answer then is harder to explain because it’s one that no one really notices. It’s hidden beneath the surface, only obvious to the experienced eye: Self-esteem! Low self-esteem and even worse relationship contingent self-esteem ensures that we stay because we undervalue ourselves; we think we can’t get anything better, or maybe we don’t deserve anything better. We evaluate our self-worth solely based on the outcomes of our romantic interactions.

 I can’t pin down why some people have a low self-esteem or for how long. But I do know that emotionally abusive relationships only worsen the problem. Those relationships slowly, secretly but surely stomp on our (maybe already low) self-esteem; causing us to devalue our worth, and diminished our confidence.

Even when you’re in a disastrous relationship, the one that everyone can see is spiraling out of control like a train wreck waiting to happen, it’s harder to get out than what others may think. After committing to and investing time and energy into something, anything; your gut reaction is not to throw it away. Ending a relationship is kind of like admitting failure. It’s another thing you attempted to do that didn’t work out. That’s another blow to the self-esteem. And so in an attempt to protect your dignity, (and investment) you grip on to it as tight as you can and you “throw away good money after bad money“.

May 22, 2011

Lowering My Standards: From Hero to Zero

by bye2mrwrong

When I first started writing this post I meant for the title “From Hero to Zero” to be directed at the men I pick and choose. But by the time I finished writing it, dissecting the words on the page and analyzing it in my mind; I felt that the title was more suited to me. Somewhere in my past I was the hero, the courageous girl who could stand up for herself. Once upon a time I had a strong backbone, high standards, and refused to be pushed around. I knew if someone had done me wrong, and I had the audacity to walk away when that happened.

But somehow, without my knowledge, or awareness, something changed and somewhere along the line I faltered.  When did this change happen? I don’t know. When have I started lowering my standards? When was it that I started allowing the men that walked into my life, to walk all over me?

I remember when I was 7 I had a “boyfriend”. He was my first one. We were really cute together. We had play dates, went to each other’s house after school, watched cartoons, did our homework, and when we were done we would go out to play in the park. It was a great relationship, one without too many complications. One day when he saw me crying at school, he came up to me to comfort me and when he asked what had happened, I told him a secret. That secret as secrets go, was supposed to stay between us. But when he broke my trust and told one of the teachers, I immediately wrote him off. With no explanations necessary, from that day on I no longer wanted to call him mine.

When I was 9, I had my second boyfriend. He had given me a hair pin with a cute note asking me for my hand. Finding the gesture absolutely sweet I accepted. Only that when I realized he was doing the same with other girls… I let go of his hand and never gave mine back. He too no longer had a second chance in my book, even years later when we grew up.

At 15 I found myself stuck in an intricate love triangle. The two boys fighting over my attention had decided to make the decision over who would win me, their own. They hadn’t considered my thoughts on the matter. But I wasn’t going to be a prize to be won. I was not going to allow them to make that choice for me. I knew who I liked better regardless of who won. And I stood my ground.

15 years later, the question that needs to be asked is: what happened between then and now? Why is that now I’m willing to forgive and forget so easily? Why do I let the men in my life make me feel weak, control me? Why do I need the false endearments of a man who doesn’t really love?

April 13, 2011

Little Rejections

by bye2mrwrong

“Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly, one small sideways look and I feel so un-good. Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make me feel the way I thought only my father could. Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me, one forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked. How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily, I’m 13 again am I 13 for good? I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine. I can feel so boring for someone so interesting, so ignorant for someone of sound mind. Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me, one forgotten phone call and I’m deflated. Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me, your hand pulling away and I’m devastated. When will you stop leaving baby? When will I stop deserting baby? When will I start staying with myself? Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me, I jump my ship as I take it personally. Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly, the moment I decide not to abandon me.” Alanis Morissette

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February 27, 2011

Wishful Thinking

by bye2mrwrong

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

The human brain is a wonderful organ. It’s verbal, logical analytical, intuitive, creative and emotional. But sometimes an overactive mind can start playing tricks on us. We find ourselves caught in the shoulda, woulda, coulda thoughts about a past we no longer have control of, reliving moments and events we should have long ago left behind. At other times we find ourselves caught in the realm of “what if”, daydreaming, imagining and fantasizing of an alternative future we could have only hoped for.

I’ve been pondering over the “what if” question for some time now. My husband’s affair as well as our separation has taught me so much and I have grown from it. But it makes me wonder: if I’ve grown, learned and matured from this experience then he must have too, right?! So what if now a wiser man and wiser women would meet again? Could they be happy together? Would they now withstand the tests laid down before them? What if we stayed? What if we tried?

There is something strangely passive and even abusive about the “what if” question. All of these ‘what ifs’ usually amount to nothing. Yet the thoughts come uninvited and always seem to hold such force on us; haunting us, spinning in our minds, weighing on our hearts.

One of the saddest things in a break-up is the imaginary future that you’ll never have with the person who you have now left behind. This inability to accept incompatibility or just the fact that we had grown apart as individuals is emotionally draining. But I know now that it is not him that I miss or love but the concept, the picture I had in my mind. So I realize that while some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes being strong means letting go.