Failure to Launch

by bye2mrwrong

After I called my friend to inform her that I unfortunately would not be flying back to her wedding our conversation became strained. It felt false and distant. Maybe it wasn’t and I was feeling things that weren’t really there. But with feelings of guilt overcoming me, I was emotional, mad at myself, and disappointed for having disappointed her.

As soon as I hung up the phone I cried. I cried because I couldn’t please her. I cried because I feel like I can never please everyone, or anyone for that matter. I cried because ultimately I cannot seem to please myself.

The small choices in life seem overwhelmingly difficult. I cannot seem to find my footing. Or maybe I just haven’t really tried hard enough yet. I don’t know what I want, so I’m not pushing myself in any direction. And by not pushing forward, once again I feel stuck. I know I’m my biggest critic, but it seems I have a lot to criticize.

On the one hand I seem to be treating this time as a vacation from life, a distraction from my thoughts, a hideout from my pain. I’ve only been here a month so what’s the rush?! But on the other hand I feel stressed for not having adapted yet to my new life, for not having already found a job (to be honest I haven’t even started looking) or a study, or preferably both, for not having started living the real world.

I feel failure breathing down my neck. Failure at choosing the career of my dreams, failure at keeping my marriage together, failure at reaching my goals, failure at dictating what those goals are, failure at making myself happy.

I know all the doors are open for me, but somehow I haven’t started stepping in any direction yet. No one to blame for that but myself, my own foolish doubts and my fear of further failure. I know the best things in life won’t come sorted out, organized and served on a silver platter, just waiting for me to set my foot forward. For some things you just need to work God damn hard. Some things are worth it.

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10 Comments to “Failure to Launch”

  1. “I feel failure breathing down my neck. Failure at choosing the career of my dreams, failure at keeping my marriage together, failure at reaching my goals, failure at dictating what those goals are, failure at making myself happy.”

    Yup. This dialogue is replayed in my brain too. Please stop reading my journal and posting my thoughts!!!

    But. All of this is normal. It’s weird…there are things in life you can do and some you can’t. There are times you CAN do something, but can’t and other times you can’t do something but you could. Like taking an exotic trip…the opportuniites always seem to come when I don’t have the time, but then sometimes if I have the time, then I don’t have the money.

    These things invade all of our lives. They invade relationships. They invade thoughts. Sometimes they are excuses….but I think a lot of times they are just life.

    You have been traumatized. There is no set time schedule for healing…unless you are NOT the one going through it and then you’ll find those people telling you how quickly you should heal.

    But your posts are contemplative and written with an educated hand. You grasp certain concepts and understand the nature of healing, even if at times you find it difficult to take your own advice.

    You are doing well. As an outsider looking in, with no bias whatsoever, I can see that. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and the empathy you give others on your blog.

    Peace to you
    LFBA

    • Thank you LFBA.
      Your kind words of encouragement and support are much appreciated.
      I find it entertaining to know that I’ve been stealing your thoughts. Please do take them back and out of my head;)

  2. I agree with LFBA you are doing so well. Moving is one of the 3 most stressful things people do – the other 2 are dealing with divorce and death. So you’ve ‘scored’ 2 out of 3 – which is horrendously tough.

    And apparently – according to my LC – confusion (which seems to be what you’re experiencing in some measure) is good! All part of finding ones feet! Cr*p though when going through it!

    Hugs.
    Caroline
    xxxx

    • Its nice to know I’m not stressing over nothing. 2/3 stressful events and I’m still alive and kicking. Maybe I really should stop criticizing me so much.

      Thanks Caroline. Today I will call you Care Bear and return that hug!

  3. I’m sorry you’re in this funk. I spent a good bit of time in the same place so I do understand. I imagine you’re still adapting to your move in addition to all the other adapting you’ve had to do. It’s hard. But you are making progress. Keep writing. It will help you to sort things out.

    Hugs, Pat

    • Tnx Pat. No chance I want to stop. Even when I think I have writers block, somehow the feelings flow out in the form of words that end up on this blog.

      I truly enjoy writing here and getting feedback, but even more I enjoy reading inspirational blogs like yours that show me how far we can get with just a little bit of time, patience and a lot of friends.

  4. Just know that you have a comrade in the exact same place. No energy, no desire, no joy, just endless days, lots of TV and sleep. But don’t beat yourself up. I know that I’ll come out of this. I also know that I HAVE TO DO something, it won’t get fixed by some mysterious force or a miracle.

    I know that I will have to push myself if I want to rise up. The day when I have that motivation will come, but right now I only try to find peace. I take comfort in the fact that my old motivators…. fear, impatience, frustration are not in control. I’m keeping them at bay. And soon I’ll develop new motivational tools. I have to start soon, my current consulting gig is over at the end of August and I need to find a job or I’ll end up back where I was in January.

    And so, the test begins………

  5. Girl I am right there with you! For the last six months I have been wandering in the DARK. Haven’t wanted to get up, workout, do anything! It was like I was a zombie who cried and had meltdowns. [Here’s my background: divorced 7 years ago. Recovery was not too bad. Dumped by man I loved with all my heart in early 2011. thought we were on the marriage track (at least that what he told me) and I was ready for a change.] The break up destroyed me. I couldn’t eat, workout, focus at work, focus at home, all I did was cry or be on the verge of crying. I lost the man I loved AND I didn’t get a job I thought I had in the bag. So I felt like I had nothing. Personal life in shambles and my career met a dead end.

    Last week I visited the local university to talk to admissions advisers about a post bacc degree in a completely different field. After that I felt like I had regained some control and some direction. Now I have only been feeling better for about 5 days now, so we’ll see how everything falls together. But I have hope of a new future. I am still hurting, but I have something else to focus on and not the hurt that mother f–ker caused. Its like I can almost see the light. But I have a long way to go. The idea to get another degree just popped into my head. One day, something will pop into your head and thoughts of your ex will get farther and farther away.

    I’m not completely there yet. But I know I will get there one day. Until then, I must keep moving forward and so must you dear!

    AV

  6. Thanks Athena (goddess of wisdom) for sharing with me.
    I’m glad to hear youre slowing finding your way back into the Light.

    As ive written in one of my posts, we just need to keep taking baby steps forward. And I myself am doing the same. I will also be meeting up with a few university counslers this week, just to see if this new idea i have in my head is really something i want to pursue right now.

    I’m sure things will fall into place for all of us eventually. Just as long as we keep stepping forward, and let go of the past.

    Hugs

  7. Hey Bye2MrWrong and AthenaVox, you are both doing well just being there. You are both still fighting in the face of the most difficult of circumstances, not everyone has that strength of character, far form it. Give yourselves the credit you deserve. xx

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