Sharing My Tears

by bye2mrwrong

We owe each other nothing.
We said our goodbye some time ago.
Yet I still think about you all the time.

Today I had to call my ex-husband. Yes we are as of the 4th of July officially Divorced. How ironic that on independence day I gained my independence. Funny how dates seem to have some sort of hidden meaning that will always resonate in our minds.

I needed him to send over the official documents. The international ones with an apostille stamp. And although he was very helpful, and did not for a second make a fuss about having to go to the town hall, wait there patiently in line, and in actuality do all my dirty work for me; I dreaded making that phone call.

It’s not that I despised the thought of having to ask him for a favor, although it definitely wasn’t my first choice. I knew he would do it for me. But I dreaded hearing his voice. I knew what the sound of his oh-so-familiar voice would do to me. And I was right. I went to my bedroom, locked the door and before dialing that number I broke down and wept. I shed tears of regret and remorse. Tears of anxiety and nerves. Finally after a few minutes I regained my strength, wiped away my tears, and dialed his number; a number I know is one of the few that although is on speed dial, I will always remember by heart.

The conversation was very business-like. I explained the situation and asked him for his assistance. But then he did what I knew he would. He asked me how I was. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes again, and with a lump in my throat I told him I preferred not to have that conversation. He kindly accepted and we both hung up. Of-course I then had a few more minutes of silent tears, before I could continue on with my day.

When I left our home I wanted it to be the last time I would ever see him, ever hear him, ever be touched by that kind of pain again. It seems that even from far away he has me all tied up in emotion. Even with miles between us I still Flinch at the thought of him, at the sound of his voice, at the whisper of his name.

How long can a girl stay broken, haunted, tortured by her ex?

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14 Comments to “Sharing My Tears”

  1. I have much the same reaction when I have to hear my soon to be ex wife’s voice. Every time I hear it, it is a reminder of the betrayal and the lost promise and the destruction of my family.

    • I feel your pain. And I’m sorry. For me its more the pain of hearing the voice of someone who was once my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend. And it hurts that I cannot call him to just talk and share my inner most feelings and thoughts, or even just tell him the little things that happened throughout the day. I want to sooo much. But I cant, and I won’t. So it hurts.

  2. Can I give you an analogy that might help. In 2000 I had open heart surgery. It was devastating and took me a year to recuperate from. To this day the scar is still sensitive to the touch where they cut through my chest and cracked my breastbone. I don’t know if it will ever stop being sensitive. I feel your pain. If I were there, I would let you cry on my shoulder and hold you and hug you and assure you that it would get better with time.
    Blessings
    John

  3. Thanks John.
    I guess some things will always stay sensitive… At least until another pain takes it place, a stronger one that makes us forget the initial pain.

  4. I understand. The whole loss of “best friend and partner” (or at least who I thought fulfilled those roles) is …..damaging and heartbreaking. I was her rock for so many years. But now she turns to someone else. The saddest part is that eventually he will do her what he has done to the other 3 wives and girlfriends in between. (he left wife #3 to experience “a love like no other” with mine).
    Being her former rock, and not being able to protect her from this absolutely destroys me.

  5. Hi – I’m in the same boat – with the same pair of oars – rowing the same route. I’ve told my ex not to contact me again as it hurts too much.

    We will all come through. I know we will. It’s just getting there is soooo tough.

    Hugs to you
    xxxxx

  6. Shame hun! The only advice I could offer is to rather email him should you require documents or the like. The practicalities and paperwork of a divorce also eventually comes to an end – thank goodness! But at least if you email him for the documents, or even text him, you do not have to deal with his voice, the nostalgia it comes with and the inevitable ‘how are you doing’ questions to which the only real reply that I want to always give is “you broke my heart you moron, how do you think I am doing?!?!?”

    • Thanks Lexi. You seemed to have nailed the hammer on its head. And that sentence…is usually the one he got to hear with a bit of variation every time he asked. The variation being that sometimes it came out angry and spiteful, with a sting; and sometimes it came from a painful place and was drowned by my tears.

      I guess a lot of times we do things that end up damaging us more, hurting us, adding to the pain, and the confusion. Why? I dont know. Maybe we are a bit sadistic in nature. Maybe we want to hurt, or feel we deserve it.
      In anycase, point taken. Next time i will only text or e-mail. That might be better for my emotional well-being.

  7. For what it is worth, I am writing a book showing couples how to have conflict resoltuion without verbally beating on each other. It is part of whole book showing couples how to have better sex, better more healthy conflict resolution and better marriages. The name of the book (not yet published) is Sex Education For Adults, Secrets To Amazing Sex and Happily Ever After Too. It is unique in that I offer an unheard of money back gaurantee that if you follow my instructions you will have a better relationship. You can go to my blog and read a chapter draft on conflict resolution at no charge. The blog addess is marriagecoach1.wordpress.com. I would welcome any comments and critique.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John

  8. http://marriagecoach1.wordpress.com/2010/08/29/how-to-stop-fighting-with-your-spouse-or-relatives-good-conflict-resolution-skills/

    Here is the link and I would really appreciate your brutal and honest critique. I trust your judgement and would appreciate your feedback. There are scriptural references. I use them in my coaching. I tell people even if they are stone cold atheists the scriptural quotes are outstanding psychology in their own right. I would also invite comment and critique from your readers as well if you don’t mind. Is there anything that I did not cover or could cover better?

    The ultimate question is do you think that if you had this information available before your marriage started breaking down, that it could have saved your marriage? I hate to open old wounds that you are trying to heal from but I am trying to prevent more people from going through the pain that you went through.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John

  9. Tough call, probably for the best that you got through it. You have to hope that the day comes soon where you feel indifference, when he loses his power over your emotions. It will happen. As time passes the pain will dwindle, maybe a lot of time… But some day you’ll see him or think about him and you’ll realize that you don’t feel anything anymore, that his presence doesn’t affect your life. I know right now you can’t imagine that freedom, but it will come. Time, unlike many people, is something you can always count on to help you move forward.

    • I know that freedom will come one day.
      I know that time will take the pain away, it heals all wounds, and mends all hearts.
      The problem with time is that it takes time 😉

  10. and the problem with reality is that its real.

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