Painfully Committed

by bye2mrwrong

I’ll never be able to pinpoint the exact moment when my relationship with my husband started to become unhealthy. It could have been as early as the moment I met him. It could have been the first time he criticized my weight. Or when he started controlling how I did things in the house. It could have been the first time my tears had no effect on him. Or the very first time he said “get the F@%k out.” Really, at this point it all becomes a big blur. But having been committed to the relationship I accepted it all. I saw only the good, turned a blind eye to the little annoyances, I easily forgave, and I willingly compromised. I was accommodating to a fault. That is until he crossed my red line.

We all have a red line, the moment when blind love is no longer blind. When we open our eyes and say enough is enough. For some it doesn’t take far to get to that border. Others can endure a lot of crap before we give up; before we realize that we’ve past the point of no return; and that there is no other way out. No more fixing, repairing or mending.

It’s hard to say who’s stronger: the ones who stay and stick it out through the thick and thin? Or the ones who leave in the blink of an eye? Commitment after all (no matter the cause) is a good trait which should be valued. But one should never stay committed to a sunk cost when the decision to stay no longer outweighs the expected benefit.

I still wonder sometimes whether given half the chance I would go back to it all, go back to him. If I did I know that it would be just because I’m lonely. Because I need to feel loved. Because it’s easier to go back then to move forward and start from the beginning. And because I have given up hope that somewhere out there, there is a lid to my pot.

But those reasons are not good reasons to go back to something that was sightless and painful. I believe that even if I wanted to go back it would never be the same. Because in this past year I’ve grown and I’ve changed. I’ve learned about my true values. About what it is I want in a relationship and more importantly what I don’t want. I’ve learned what I’m willing to compromise on and where my red lines lie. I’ve learned that I don’t want my needs met only some of the time. I want them met all the time. And I don’t want to stick to the old just because I don’t have something new.

“ I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?”

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5 Comments to “Painfully Committed”

  1. No you couldn’t go back to the way it was. It would have to be 1000 times better! And that would need him to understand that he too has to be 100% committed to making you happy – every day and all of the time. And only then could it have a future. Would he fight tooth and nail to win you back and having done so commit to you with the passion you committed to him.

    Maybe one day he may wish he had. If and when that day comes then you will be in a position to decide for you. None of us can say how you will feel then and what you will want, but if you are in a position of being happy with your life and being you then you will be in the right place to make the right decision for the right you.


  2. Listen there are a lot of broken people in the world who want to dump their suffering on you. You don’t have to accept that.
    Happily Ever After is actually quite simple. The key is never saying no to your partners wants and needs, the trick is to find someone who will reciprcate that. iIf you find him, you have to go ALL IN and give 100%.

    Blessings on you and yours

  3. We all have a certain pain threshold and we all hit it at different times in bad relationships. However, the mind can play tricks on us by comparing bad to nothing instead of comparing bad to good. Keep your mind on what is good even when you get tired of waiting to find someone who appreciates all the good you have to give. Usually the best things in life are worth the wait…I appreciate your honesty in your posts. I hope writing about it helps a little bit!

  4. I do think are mind plays tricks on us. But I’m not sure that its comparing bad to nothing. Rather I think we compare bad to the good we once had. Or to the imaginary future good we dreamt of. I’ve said before that half of the pain of letting go of someone is really pain of letting go of the imaginary future you created and hoped for. But that imaginary future does not really exist. It’s an illusion. And that’s the real trick that our mind plays on us.

    Writing does help me. It helps me dissect and analyze what is really going on in my mind. And what my emotions really represent.
    Also it always gratifying to get support and advice from my followers, and sometimes just a listening ear / reading eye. So thank you!

  5. These are all such important things to learn. I learned a lot of these same things from my last relationship. I feel so much more cabable of saying what I want…and what I don’t… from a man. And what I’m willing to accept and what I’m not. And a man criticizing my appearance or my weight is one thing I would not tolerate. I can’t imagine how that felt and I’m sorry you went through it.

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