Archive for June 4th, 2011

June 4, 2011

Painfully Committed

by bye2mrwrong

I’ll never be able to pinpoint the exact moment when my relationship with my husband started to become unhealthy. It could have been as early as the moment I met him. It could have been the first time he criticized my weight. Or when he started controlling how I did things in the house. It could have been the first time my tears had no effect on him. Or the very first time he said “get the F@%k out.” Really, at this point it all becomes a big blur. But having been committed to the relationship I accepted it all. I saw only the good, turned a blind eye to the little annoyances, I easily forgave, and I willingly compromised. I was accommodating to a fault. That is until he crossed my red line.

We all have a red line, the moment when blind love is no longer blind. When we open our eyes and say enough is enough. For some it doesn’t take far to get to that border. Others can endure a lot of crap before we give up; before we realize that we’ve past the point of no return; and that there is no other way out. No more fixing, repairing or mending.

It’s hard to say who’s stronger: the ones who stay and stick it out through the thick and thin? Or the ones who leave in the blink of an eye? Commitment after all (no matter the cause) is a good trait which should be valued. But one should never stay committed to a sunk cost when the decision to stay no longer outweighs the expected benefit.

I still wonder sometimes whether given half the chance I would go back to it all, go back to him. If I did I know that it would be just because I’m lonely. Because I need to feel loved. Because it’s easier to go back then to move forward and start from the beginning. And because I have given up hope that somewhere out there, there is a lid to my pot.

But those reasons are not good reasons to go back to something that was sightless and painful. I believe that even if I wanted to go back it would never be the same. Because in this past year I’ve grown and I’ve changed. I’ve learned about my true values. About what it is I want in a relationship and more importantly what I don’t want. I’ve learned what I’m willing to compromise on and where my red lines lie. I’ve learned that I don’t want my needs met only some of the time. I want them met all the time. And I don’t want to stick to the old just because I don’t have something new.

“ I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?”

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