Trapped Inside My Mind

by bye2mrwrong

Emptiness, silence, fear, dread, and longing wash over me like a wave at sea. Instantly, I realize why it took me so long to make up my mind. Why I’ve been so persistent in holding on. Why I couldn’t just let go.

As I stare around this little apartment, the windows, and these walls that have confined me, caged me in, and filled my heart with darkness for so long, suddenly I feel like they are my only source of light. Despite the suffocating feeling that this house has caused me, when I felt the walls caving in, trapping me inside; a bizarre melancholy takes its place, now that I know that soon I’ll be gone. I find myself looking around the room, and a peculiar emptiness overcomes me.

I realize that I will miss everything in this house. The peachy colors that paint the walls, the way the rug feels under my feet, the large windows which in summer provided me with sunlight till the late evening hours, the cold breeze in the bedroom that gave me a breath of fresh air, the small bathtub which I bathed in millions of times, the little kitchen which I’ve spent hours in cooking, the pictures that cover the walls, the tiny balcony with its beautiful view of the city, this home that was mine.

Maybe it’s not the house that I’ll miss, but only the memories I  we made here, as girlfriend and boyfriend, as husband and wife. As I walk away from this house I am severing the ties with my EX-husband, with my old lover and friend, with this life. I am released from my cage, but I am still handcuffed. My soul is not yet free and I have not yet found the key to unlock the door and break down the barriers, the frustration, the memories and the pain.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
“…A bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage…
A caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.”

Maya Angelou

Advertisements

2 Comments to “Trapped Inside My Mind”

  1. I had to move 4 months ago – from the flat where my ex and I met, became friends, lovers, then husband and wife. I didn’t want to go – to leave that place where we had been so happy but then I knew I needed to. To break the bond and the hold the place had over me.

    It took a while but now I do now feel so much calmer and free. It has helped leaving. Where I am now doesn’t hold the same memories. The memories I’m creating here are mine and mine alone. And IT IS better.

    So good luck.

    Hugs
    xxx

    • Thank C. I’m pretty sure that this house has been some sort of a barrier for me to move on. And I’m sure that once I’ve left it, and also once I dont have to see my husband anymore that bond will break and I will feel free.

      When I leave he will be coming back in, and maybe then he will have to deal with all the memories that have flooded me here. How’s that for Karma…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: