Archive for May 1st, 2011

May 1, 2011

Trapped Inside My Mind

by bye2mrwrong

Emptiness, silence, fear, dread, and longing wash over me like a wave at sea. Instantly, I realize why it took me so long to make up my mind. Why I’ve been so persistent in holding on. Why I couldn’t just let go.

As I stare around this little apartment, the windows, and these walls that have confined me, caged me in, and filled my heart with darkness for so long, suddenly I feel like they are my only source of light. Despite the suffocating feeling that this house has caused me, when I felt the walls caving in, trapping me inside; a bizarre melancholy takes its place, now that I know that soon I’ll be gone. I find myself looking around the room, and a peculiar emptiness overcomes me.

I realize that I will miss everything in this house. The peachy colors that paint the walls, the way the rug feels under my feet, the large windows which in summer provided me with sunlight till the late evening hours, the cold breeze in the bedroom that gave me a breath of fresh air, the small bathtub which I bathed in millions of times, the little kitchen which I’ve spent hours in cooking, the pictures that cover the walls, the tiny balcony with its beautiful view of the city, this home that was mine.

Maybe it’s not the house that I’ll miss, but only the memories I  we made here, as girlfriend and boyfriend, as husband and wife. As I walk away from this house I am severing the ties with my EX-husband, with my old lover and friend, with this life. I am released from my cage, but I am still handcuffed. My soul is not yet free and I have not yet found the key to unlock the door and break down the barriers, the frustration, the memories and the pain.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
“…A bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage…
A caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.”

Maya Angelou

May 1, 2011

Sacrifice to Gain

by bye2mrwrong

“To gain that which is worth having,
it may be necessary to lose everything else.”

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve. You get even less than you settled for.” The old adage got me thinking. Am I getting the raw end of the deal? And what is it that I’m really settling on? What is my sacrifice?

After months and months of papers flying back and forth between 8 pairs of hands, lawyer bills stacking up, arguments, destructive words, tears, and occasionally waking up on some strange couch; my husband and I have finally decided to settle.

Let me be more precise – I decided to give in to his demands, settling for a lower price. On the one hand something in the pit of my stomach still tells me it’s not right. If there are two people who want to reach an agreement then there should be two people who negotiate and compromise. I shouldn’t have to feel like I lost. I shouldn’t settle for less than I deserve. I shouldn’t settle at all. Take it to court and fight this one out till the bitter end, no matter what the result.

But divorce and everything surrounding it, is not that easy when you have two very stubborn people concerned. One who doesn’t understand still what he’s done and the other who wants him to pay for it. If we keep fighting, this will be a long war, with casualties on both sides.

So while my mind is not completely in agreement with my own decision to settle, on the other hand, I feel peaceful, relaxed, and finally at rest. The prospect of not having to deal with it anymore, of not having to fight, or argue; the prospect of just starting a totally new life suddenly seems more than appealing.

“Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash”. Ridiculous. Disgusting.  But true. And is that cash really worth putting my life on hold any longer? Is the misery this has caused me worth any $$ amount?

In the end I guess that what I’m really settling for maybe a bit less money, but  some well deserved peace of mind that comes with a sooner–than-expected fresh new start. So with gritted teeth I accept that I may have lost the battle, but in the end we both lost the war.

Time to lick my wounds, pack up and move on.