by bye2mrwrong

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” Charles Bukowski

For a brief moment I stopped writing. I was away on a holiday, a vacation, a fairytale. I was in love. Swept away by a prince to a far away land. Hoping that maybe this was the last frog this princess will have to kiss.

But coming back to reality, to this life, I feel out of balance as if I am about to fall and I know the crash will be hard. Everything I built, every ounce of strength I gained, every hope and dream I had has crashed down on me; and I feel myself falling back into the old patterns of depression and desperation which took control of me only a few months ago.

This house, these walls, this bed will not let me rest in peace. As soon as the darkness falls with it so does my mood and I find myself succumbing to my fears, crumbling to tears, fading away in the shadows. I sleep and wish to never be awoken. It is a safe world in my dreams. It is only there that I can escape from the harshness of reality. But before I close my eyes and let all thoughts vanish, the darkness creeps in. And from the darkness the devil comes out to tease and taunt me. To play with my feelings and stress my loneliness. The darkness shows me who I really am, the same weak and pathetic little girl I have been fighting so hard to ignore as I stare at her every day in the mirror.

I am left in the dark of night to ponder about my life that was, and of the life I wish to be in. I am left in the silence defenseless and alone to talk only to the voices in my head. The ones that criticize me for my failures. The ones that tell me that I am worthless until someone realizes the gem I am. I am left with my desperate thoughts and my gloomy memories. I am left with uncertainty and pain. I am left alone.

Yet still from within despair, I am not yet completely discouraged, for I have precious illusions in my head. And the hope that somewhere out there is a frog waiting to be kissed, waiting to turn into my knight in shining armor so he can come and rescue me.

4 Comments to “Fairytales”

  1. I’m so sorry for your misery. But you know what? There is no prince who will rescue you. The only one who can rescue you is you. And no one is more capable than you. You have in you all it takes to make you happy. You don’t need a man or any other human to do that for you. Get out of the house this weekend. Do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Give that sadness of yours a shock treatment. You can do it!!!

    Here’s to recovery!

    • Thanks Pat!
      Always good to hear some words of encouragement.
      Well I just went out for a drink and some dancing with a girlfriend. That was fun. And no guys around. I was enjoying singeldom for a change. Anyway, I know you’re right. I guess i feel i need saving from myself. But I’m sure its just the shock of being back. It will go away soon.
      Hug X

  2. You need to stop the negative self talk. You also need to get your self esteem through yourself and not through someone else’s eyes. Critically evaluate your strengths and weakenesses and work on the weaknesses.

    See a psychiatrist about getting on anti depressants. This should help with the mood.

    I know that loneliness is everything that it is cracked up to be.

    If you want to talk to a trusted man, I would be willing to give you my phone number. I am on your side and wish the best for you.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  3. Set yourself goals. Really little ones to begin with. Like go for a walk. Take some photos. Smile at the person at the checkout. Say hello and grin! Take baby-steps.

    I know the nights are hell. But if you can tire yourself out during the day then they get easier. (This from someone who is over familiar with 3.00am!!!).

    Hugs to you. You can do it. I know you can. You are a strong lovely woman. You will win!

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