Silence

by bye2mrwrong

After writing about my monster in-laws, I guess it’s only logical that I write about my husband, my soon-to-be ex. But although many words float in my head, spinning round and round, I cannot seem to write them down. Words cannot describe how I feel.

I keep wondering about the kind of man my husband was, and the monster that he has become. I think about the kind of love he gave me; controlling, and blinding, never enough. It was an abusive love, bruising and harmful, bittersweet. Knowing now that “the one who loves the least controls the relationship” and seeing how he controlled the younger version of me, I have to wonder if maybe it was not love at all.

On my weak days I hate. I hate him for what he has done, and what he continues to do. For the blame and guilt he let me carry on my shoulders. For the affair and the behavior that came afterward. For not having fought for us. For manipulating others to believe that he tried.

I hate myself for the weakling I have become; without him, because of him. I hate that I let him control me and manipulate me. I hate how I let my relationship sabotage my confidence and my pride.  I hate feeling like a failure, ashamed that I was not good enough.

On my strong days I love. I love him for what he was for me and for the 9 years in which he made me happy. I love him for everything that I have learned from him. I love the blissful ignorance which protected me for so long. But above all I love me for the woman I have grown into because of him, without him.

While my thoughts of him still linger, we have long since parted in silence; but tears and pain have not taken away the longing memories and false sense of nostalgia I am left with in the silence of the cold and lonely nights.

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6 Comments to “Silence”

  1. I feel your pain. Even bad relationships leave a void in your life when they are gone. What you have to do is get back up, dust yourself off and never let a man control and manipulate you again. You are better than that and worth more than that.

    You need to rebuild your shattered self confidence. I suggest going on some practice dates where you dress up and look fine, such as a nice blouse and a short skirt and heels. iIf the guy hits on you, take it as a compliment but don’t have sex with him. Sex should always wait until there is a committed monogamous relationship.

    It will take some time to heal, but it will happen. You need to keep feeding yourself positive inputs into your life to overcome the evil ones.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • Thank you John!
      You’re right. That void is there regardless of how good or bad the relationship really was. But I’m guessing it’s there just because it’s easier to recall the good memories (I.e false sense of nostalgia), and also because I am so used to being part of a “we”.
      I am trying to rebuild my confidence and I’m sure time will be a great help. It’s just so hard to feel deserving of love when the one person that should have loved me unconditionally doesn’t anymore.

  2. I hope you’re feeling better. It’s very painful to start realizing that the relationship was never quite what you thought it was. One day, when you are recovered from this body slam, you will be much stronger than you’ve ever been before. I realize telling you that you’ll feel better one day doesn’t make you feel better now. Just know that I feel deeply for you. Pat

  3. As Pat says, you will get there. We all will. I hate the days when all I seem to manage is negative thoughts. I would love to ‘bottle’ the days when I feel positive so I could go and retrieve them when things aren’t so good.

    You are a strong and special person. Enjoy being you and practice being you every day. Then the real you will meet someone who wants to be with you and not control and manipulate you into something you’re not.

    Hugs to you and I hope you are having a ‘good’ day
    xxx

  4. Pat and Caroline,

    Thank you both for your lovely and supportive comments.
    You’re right, what a body slam it was… Like all of us I have my bad days where I think of the “what if”. Where I long for the “perfect past”. But I have good days where I realize how much more than this I deserve.
    I know that one day I will reach total Acceptance. The point where even though there will still be memories and pain, I will truly believe that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

  5. When I came to a sesne of real self worth is when I quit letting others decide for me my worth. There are a lot of broken people in the world who can only feel better about themselve by beating you down. I learned to do self evaluation independent of other’s thoughts about me. After critically looking at myself, I rated myself a solid B+. Not a perfect A but then pretty good with some room for improvement. Now when someone tries to beat me down, I realize that I don’t have to own their view of me and that makes me feel a whole lot more self confident. I hope that this helps you on your path to recovery.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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