A Love-Hate Relationship…

by bye2mrwrong

The gift I received from my husband as a “reward” for not noticing that he was having an affair, was not the usual one. He didn’t bring me flowers, or perfumes, or even chocolates. He didn’t shower me with extra love, or kisses. No, that would have been a dead giveaway. I would have noticed off the bat that something was wrong.

My husband NEVER gave me flowers – he hated flowers. It didn’t matter that I love them. It mattered more that he hated them, and therefore had no wish to have them around the house. In the 10 years together, the only time I got flowers from him was the day he proposed. I would have thought the engagement ring was enough, but my husband seemed to have his priorities all wrong.

Perfumes are on the other hand something he loved, and he loved even more to pamper HIMSELF with new perfumes. For every perfume bottle I have in my closet he has three. His smells needed to be stronger, sweeter and better then mine, so that people would remember his scent. Not that he never bought me perfumes. I got perfumes on birthdays, Christmases and valentines days. But it would have been strange to get them on just a regular Monday.

Chocolates as much as I love them were something that was not really allowed in the house. My husband was keeping me on a strict diet. Always watching what I ate, and how much. Sweets were definitely not something he wanted me to have more of on a regular basis.

As for showers of kisses and hugs…well that’s just not typical for a macho man, is it? Affection was not a common word in my husband’s vocabulary. Yes we would cuddle on the couch when watching a movie, or hug in bed before sleeping. But after 5 minutes I would usually hear something like, “it’s too warm can you move to the other side”, or “don’t be so close, I can’t breathe”.

So I didn’t get any of those gifts. He was smart enough to know that a change in his behavior would raise suspicion. So he acted completely normal. or Almost…

No, my husband decided to purchase something for me that I had been wanting for about 10 years. Something that I had been begging for since the day I felt comfortable enough to call his house my home. But as much as I pleaded I would always hear the same excuses over and over again: “The house is too small”, or “it’s not allowed in the apartment building” or “we’ll get it in the new house”.

When he finally decided to get it, it was a big secret. Everyone was in on it but me. He asked me to leave the house for 2 days so that he could do everything that was needed for this surprise. Already at this point I wasn’t too happy about the idea. Why did he need two days? What was he planning to do in the house? If it was something major, why didn’t I get a vote on this decision?

My mind started racing…was he painting the house? Redecorating? Buying new furniture? That all sounds nice but I thought we wanted to move to a bigger house, so why spend money on this one?! Was he finally changing his hobby room to baby room? That sounds wonderful, but don’t I get a say on how this room should look like? And don’t we have to start working on making a baby first? Did he buy a dining table? I’ve been dying to have one, and was getting quite sick of sitting on the floor to have dinner, but would that take two days to arrange?

Whatever my mind came up with, nothing seemed logical, and no answer made me happy. Even if it was a great idea, I was already disappointed that I didn’t get to have a say, be part of the decision, be the equal partner. I was worried and anxious, and already a bit negative about the whole thing. But his parents seemed thrilled at the idea, and kept calming me down, even though I explained how I felt and why.

Finally the two days were over and I got a phone call to come back home after work. I was hesitant to walk into the house, not sure what to expect. And even more nervous and confused since his parents told me they didn’t want to be there when I walked in “too personal” they said, but his best friend was invited to join and see my reaction.

As I walked in I saw it, right in front of me. The whole house had been changed in order to accommodate the large PIANO in our small living room. I should have been happy. Maybe even ecstatic. But I wasn’t. In my mind there was only one question floating around: WHY? Why now? Why in this house? Why did I need to beg for so long? Why did it need to be a surprise?

The answer to my question came two days later, when I found out of his affair. It was simple; this was his present to satisfy not me, but his own guilty conscience. He was trying to make up for his long period of infidelity by giving me an expensive offering. Needless to say I now have a piano with which I have a love-hate relationship. I love to play it, but hate the reason behind why it was bought. I can go for days without touching the damn thing, because I know that had he not cheated, I may have not had a piano, but I would have had him!

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8 Responses to “A Love-Hate Relationship…”

  1. Oh wow, this story is so sad but amazing at the same time. You’re a great writer!
    -Gizzy

  2. This story is so sad, it’s heartbreak. How come you let him rule your life like that, you seems quite strong woman, where were you? I can’t wait to next chapter.
    Josephine

    • You have a valid point Josephine. But its so much easier to see it now in retrospect. When I was with him, I didn’t see the signs, or maybe I just didn’t want to see them. It takes courage to open your eyes, and I only did it when my red line was crossed. For some women the border may not be as far as mine was. But I truly loved him and didn’t have the slightest doubt that he loved me back.

      Things like getting flowers, or having a dining table seemed less relevant. They were materialistic and not as important as just knowing that he loved me, in his own way. But of-course next time those little things, and more importantly my opinion will be more important. And I will make sure that compromising will not just come from my end.

      But these are the lessons of life that we learn as we make mistakes along the way.
      I’ve learned mine the hard way, but I learned!

  3. Mine was a telescope. I just wanted a small one; to look at the stars. I told him that it would be a wonderful thing for the both of us to do together. He bought the biggest and most expensive one he could find. I didn’t want it, but I had no clue what it meant at the time. It was our first year of marriage, and I was young and naive. When I left him, I hated that damn thing. It was nice to look at, but it was too big and bulky. He was cheating on me long before we got married and all the gifts he ever bought were his guilt offerings. Like your husband, mine too hated flowers and wouldn’t buy them unless they were guilt offerings. Again, I was young and naive. He never did spend time with me under the stars. He always had some excuse like it was too cold outside, it was late and he was tired, or he was very close to getting to the next level on his game. That last one I believe was his coverup to chat with women online.

  4. My question is why so much doubt before the surprise? Were there other signs of his affair?

    An equal partner would not question so much. They would trust in their partner and let them surprise them. It seems you did not trust him even before you where certain of his affair.

    Since he did not take you into consideration most of the time why did you love him so much?

    • Hi Nicholas,

      Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. You’re right most people would be much more trusting of their partner. But by the time this piano story happened I was far from trusting. I could just feel something was wrong. You can read about my suspicions in: Is he cheating on you? Trust your intuition. And then you can sort of understand the time line of things in: Slutty red car for cheating husbands (partI).

      Your last question is harder though. Why did I love him? I don’t know. Love is blind. I thought he was “the one” and I was with him for already 9 years. I guess I didn’t know any better. Actually I’m planning on writing something about it soon. So hope you keep tuning in.

      Guiding Light

  5. At least you know somewhere in there he felt some guilt… I know it isn’t much, and I know you’re clearly going through [ or have been through ] the divorce… but it was at least something to show he had some kind of heart somewhere. Some sort of soul…

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