Posts tagged ‘Wish’

October 8, 2011

Chasing The Future, She Stumbled Into Her Past

by bye2mrwrong

“Setback we face them every day.

Some cause us to stumble;

others bring us to our knees. 

 Each setback brings with it the opportunity to rise up,

to be stronger and better and braver than before”

The date is set, it is coming upon me, and ever since I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. The closer it gets the heavier my heart feels, and the more nervous I am. I feel stuck again. Devastated. Uninspired. I’ve checked out, and yet feel restless even in my sleep. I wonder how much of a setback this will be. How will feel? And how much will it hurt?

But where would we be without struggle, without hardship, and pain? It’s easy to forget how much these moments teach and shape us. How different we would be without them. And it seems that everyone thinks I have grown so much from this. I just wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. I wish I was doing as good as everyone believes, or as good as I pretend. Fake it till you make it, right? Well I’ve been doing it, or at least trying. I’ve been shutting off my thoughts, pushing them deeper, ignoring them, I’ve been closing the faucets in the corner of my eyes, not allowing myself to cry, or feel vulnerable or hurt. I’ve been numbing the pain. No longer talking about it, or writing it down. Hoping that ignoring it will make it go away.

I’ve been told that all it takes is just the conscious choice to be in a good place, a choice to see the positive spin on things, to see the beauty that others see. So I’ve been pretending that I’ve moved on, that I’m alright. I’ve been showing interest in new men, in a new job, in my new life. But it’s all been a lie. I still feel everything I felt before. I am still attached to the life I left behind. I still miss being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend. I still miss waking up together next to someone enfolded in his arms, I still miss cooking for two, and I still miss our regular outings, our friends, going to movies, holding hands. I miss that comfort that I had. All I really want is some comfort, and a way to calm the angry voice. All I really wish for is happiness. I’m not sure with whom but in general. I just want to find my place. To be happy again. To love and be loved in return.

August 28, 2011

Lesson 36: Get Outside Every Day. Miracles Are Waiting for You to Discover

by bye2mrwrong

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”

The world doesn’t know that I’ve just gone through a major disaster. That my life has completely changed, and turned upside down. That I married only to find myself divorced; that I gave my heart, only to have it shattered. That I left full of hopes, only to come back empty-handed. While my light may have been momentarily switched off, and I may be sitting in the darkness waiting for the dimmest of light to slowly reappear, the world continues to spin. The sun continues to shine, the flowers continue to grow, the leaves fall, and the wind gently whispers “Maybe it’s time to come out of your shell. Hiding away won’t make anything better.”

Being cheerless and gloomy, pessimistic and skeptic, distrustful and closed; shelters me in the most protective way possible. But it also hides me from the beauty that is out there. The world is full of surprises, grand and beautiful. Yesterday may not have been so good, but tomorrow is a new day that brings with it a glimmer of hope. Who knows what miracles are out there waiting to be discovered, what the stars have in store for me if I just believe. If I just get out there, keep riding the storm, and keep moving forward.

So while I’ve ruled out the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and maybe even God. I haven’t ruled out wishing. I wish on stars. I wish on eyelashes. I wish on a penny as I throw it into a water fountain, I wish when I pluck a dandelion from the grass and blow its seeds into the wind. I’m wishing right now as I write this blog. Cause once in a blue moon miracles still do happen to those of us who are lucky enough. They happen without warning, when we least expect it, but desire it the most.

What miracle are you wishing for?

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