Posts tagged ‘Past’

December 9, 2011

Time Heals All Pain…

by bye2mrwrong

…but for some it may take a little longer.

As it snows once again on the pages of my blog, I suddenly realize that it’s been more than a year since I’ve been blogging. More than a year since I’ve been writing, sharing my deepest feelings and my inner-most thoughts. More than a year of hurting, crying and then bleeding it out on these pages in dire need of support, of a listening ear, sometimes in need of more.

Only a few months ago this was my canvas and I needed my words spilt across it like blood. I was an emotional wreck, out of control. And in an attempt to fill the pain of lost love, I drowned myself in wild nights of dancing filled with men and rum. I am not sure which one I consumed more of…either way, it never seemed enough.

Time, it changes everything. Just a few months ago I was a mess. Today… today I woke up and as I sat up in bed and saw myself in the mirror in front of me, I noticed that I was alone. I smiled sadly at the reflection and pondered at my new reality. Only a year ago I would have woken up in his arms. Feeling warm, comforted, and secure.

Thankfully the thought did not linger long. It’s not that I’m over him. But I guess I’m adjusting to this new life. I cannot say that I do not think about him. His name crosses my lips at least once a day and he is often present in my thoughts. At times I just wonder what he’s doing, or how he’s doing without me. And when I feel particularly lonely,  I ruminate if I would have been happier with him right now.

Mostly I allow my mind to remember only the good which makes me reminisce. But once in a while a waft of bad memories come flooding into my mind. And then I wonder if it’s truly him I’m missing or just the feeling of being in a relationship and of being loved. Cause “maybe, just maybe, the best thing we can ever do is admit and accept that someone isn’t right for us. Even if at one point, we swore they were Mr. Right.”

November 25, 2011

Because I’m Worth It!

by bye2mrwrong

“Everyone goes their own path. Some are just beginning while others end all too soon.  The path you’re on, the choices you make, they define who you are.

Choices, they are the building blocks of our lives. They shape our past, present and future.

Every new day brings with it new choices and a whole new world of possibilities.

Recently I was told that it’s time to start anew, to walk a new path, to build a new life. To reflect on everything that happened and figure out what I’ve learned. To apologize to the people I’ve wronged for hurting them, and then to apologize to myself for hurting me. For letting myself down, for belittling myself, for believing I didn’t have any worth.

Most importantly I was told it was time to decide what changes I would like to make in myself, and then make them. But as much as the idea sounds simple at the same time it is so hard to grasp. What are the changes that I want to make? The question still overwhelms me and the only thing I can think of is how much I just want to be happy. That’s the change I want to make.

But how do I do that when I’m not even sure what has prevented me from being happy? No one is really standing in my way. No one but myself. Only my own thoughts and fears have kept me from moving forward. My own choices have prevented me from letting go of the past and the pain that comes with it. It has been my stubbornness that has kept me holding on so tightly to something that no longer exists. To a memory, of a past that once was; to that illusion of the future that never will be. To a ring that keeps me bonded to him.

So after thinking hard about this, staring at my reflection, and digging layer after layer, I’ve realized that what I want to change is the way I view myself. My worth, my value, me. I realized that when I get flattered by someone for something I’ve done, or sometimes even for just who I am, I usually say “thanks but….” Or l humbly laugh the remark away. But it’s not the humbleness that has pushed flattery aside, it’s the lack of self worth, lack of confidence in me. I never see myself as gorgeous, just pretty. I never think of myself as genius, just smart. I never believe I have unique qualities, just regular ones like any other person. I never think I’ll exceed, just succeed. I never think I’m remarkable, just average. I never think I’m better, just good. So I’ve decided what I want is respect. For myself, and from myself.

Respect that I am a terrific wife, a wonderful lover, a fantastic cook, a loving person, a caring colleague, a true friend. Respect that I am a great girl, who deserves only the best from the best. Respect that I should never lower my standards, or give in to other people’s wants if I do not value them. Respect me for me.

Because I’m worth it!

October 19, 2011

Returning To The Place Where It All Began

by bye2mrwrong

I had 8 days to spend back there, in the place where it all began and the place where it all ended. The place that built me and broke me. The place where I turned from a girl into a woman, from a woman to a wife, and from a wife to a divorcee’.

I had 8 days to pass there, and where once 8 days would have seemed like a flash; in a moment of fear and dread, 8 days seemed like forever.  Wanting to return before I even got there, missing my family, my friends, my room, and my home before I event left; the tension and the fear made me suddenly realize how fast I have adjusted to my new life, to my new surroundings. How quickly I already felt at home in this new place.

Funny how so many things in life are taken for granted. How I didn’t even realize how quickly I fit straight back in. Knowing the circumstances of my return, and that it was not me who wanted to leave in the first place, I never thought I would enjoy myself as much as I do in my new life. I never thought I would fit quite so easily without skipping a beat. I never imagined myself falling straight on my feet, ready to run again.

But apparently all I needed was to go back to the place where it all began in order to realize I am in a much better place now. I am much more content. Much happier and relaxed.  They say that “one way to appreciate what you have is to imagine yourself without it.” I guess as much as I took being back home for granted, imagined it would never suit me, or satisfy me… I now realize I love being back. It doesn’t mean I am never nostalgic, or sad, regretful, or reminiscent of my past; but it means I am also coming to terms with the new place I am in, my new life, my new beginning.

September 6, 2011

Behind the Mask

by bye2mrwrong

Behind this mask, behind the pretty face, and that beautifully innocent smile; behind the giggles and the gentle voice, behind the pretense of confidence and self-assurance; is a vulnerable girl, damaged, broken, hurt and lonely.

A girl, who craves attention, yearns for a hug and a passionate kiss. A girl who wants to be loved and knows that she still has so much more love in her to give. A girl who wants to wake up entangled in someone else’s arms. A girl who longs for the warmth of a man, his body engulfing mine. A girl who lacks patience because she wants it all and she wants it now.

And the more I want it, the more I realize that I am alone. Alone and lonely. Feelings of loneliness ambush me especially at night. While my days may be busy and full of laughter, my nights are sleepless, endless and lonesome. On those lonely nights thoughts, uncontrollable and unwanted, invade my mind and consume me leaving me sad, mad, even enraged. Sometimes those thoughts carry on into the daylight. It can happen suddenly and it always catches me off guard. Usually it happens when I’m alone, without my mask. When I allow myself to feel. The tears well up in my eyes and I just start crying. It could be in the car while I’m driving; suddenly an old tune on the radio reminds me of him. Sometimes it’s just an old couple walking together hand in hand; the vision of them fills me with envy and remorse of that future that I so wanted and am afraid I will never have. Sometimes it’s a pregnant lady or a baby laying there so sweet and silent in their stroller, eyes twinkling with laughter looking straight at me.

I know I should learn to love myself first, before I let someone else love me. I know I should learn to enjoy myself, to be independent and on my own. Yet still I can’t help but wonder, is this life better? Can I live with this loneliness? I was happy as part of a couple. I was happy with compromising. I was satisfied in my life. Content with my comfort. I didn’t ask for much more. Why did he have to take it away from me?

I want it back, that life. Not necessarily with him. But I want the comfort. Maybe it’s that little control freak in me that just wants to know what each day will bring. No surprises, no butterflies, no highs or lows. Just an easy peaceful feeling that comes with being comfortable. With knowing the man at my side. Knowing I don’t have to impress him, but he’ll still love me. Knowing how to make him happy. Knowing he will make me smile.

I want to shed the mask, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I want to tear down the wall I built without getting hurt. I want to remove the pain that lies beneath. I want to move forward without regret of the past I once had, or the future I dreamed of.

August 20, 2011

No Escaping You

by bye2mrwrong

I only thought about you once today. I never stopped.

Lying on my back I slowly wake up as the sun’s rays hit my face, shining brightly through the window. Suddenly I realize what day it is. I turn away from the sun light, shut my eyes tightly and try to forget. Maybe I can sleep the day away, let it skip me.

But it’s too late. Thoughts of you drift into my head and I try hard to remember the exact feeling I had last year as I woke up next to you. What did we do on this day? What were we feeling?

Conversations we had run through my mind. I see your face above me, smiling sweetly. For a moment I fall asleep again. In my dreams I feel your warmth and love. Nothing has changed, we are together. You’re lying next to me. My fingers entangled in your hair, and my leg on top of yours hugging your body close to me.

Then I wake up again and tears fill my eyes. Instead of thinking about the past, my thoughts now drift onto the future. How happy we could have been. I can still imagine us together. I can see us lying in our bed. I look around, everything is so familiar. The color of the walls, the design on our favorite bed sheets, the smell of your cologne wafting in the air, the sound of your voice, the touch of your skin.

I fall asleep again hoping not to plunge once more into the prison of my mind. I yearn to escape my thoughts. But there is no escaping you today.  Maybe by next year it won’t sting so hard, it won’t feel so real. Maybe then something in me will have changed. And your memory will be a distant one. A bitter-sweet memory that will have faded away.

July 27, 2011

Lesson # 17: You Can Get through Anything Life Hands You if You Stay Put in the Day You Are in and Don’t Jump Ahead

by bye2mrwrong

Do not dwell on the past.
Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Often our past haunts us. Once our mind is attacked by memories, we find ourselves pulled into the “what if” zone, the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts, and the regrets of what happened or didn’t happen. When it comes to the future, what creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future, and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand.

I understand that living in the past is nothing but wallowing in old memories. The past is gone. It’s over. We cannot change what was. So it’s best to leave it behind where it belongs. That seems logical and almost easy enough.

But what I don’t quite understand is how not to think of the future. Being the control freak that I apparently am (only according to my psychologist), it’s hard not to think of the future, plan it, sometimes even to the slightest of details, and hope it comes true.

Can I really just live in today without thinking of tomorrow? I just can’t come to grips with this idea of living in the moment. Enjoy it yes, live it to its fullest definitely, not dwell on the past sure; but not think of a future, not make plans or have goals in mind hmm. I understand the whole thing about coming to terms with the fact that I cannot and do not control everything that happens around me, or even to me. But I just can’t handle not thinking of tomorrow.

Maybe I’m seeing this too black and white, and I’m forgetting to look at the shades of gray in between. But if I didn’t plan for the future, I wouldn’t have studied, I wouldn’t have married, I wouldn’t have had goals to conquer, ambitions to achieve. Maybe this formula was only meant to ascertain that we do not dwell on the unhappy moments which were or those that could have been. So that we do not look backwards with sorrow or forwards with fear.

What do you think?

June 15, 2011

Analyze My Blues

by bye2mrwrong

I’ve been thinking lately about my choices in MEN. I don’t really have a lot of experience, after all I have been off the market for 10 years. But from my recent dating expeditions and maybe looking back to the guys I chose when I was 20…it seems that I definitely have a type.

Without a doubt it is obvious to see that externally my men are fair-skinned and blond. Not that I haven’t dated a few dark-haired guys, but usually when I look around my head spins at the site of a blond. I love somewhat long hair on guys, baby face, full luscious lips that just make you wonder how kissable they are, and blue eyes that can make you melt. If it seems like I am describing Brad Pitt that might not be too far from the truth. Admittedly he is my type.

If I could choose a sign, I would no doubt be drawn to the Scorpio men’s intensity, loyalty, obsessive nature, sexually insatiability and passion.

But what I’ve been more fixated on lately is the characteristics of the men I choose: sarcastic, and ridiculously smart, funny, flirtatious, charming, good drinkers, and outgoing. Some were passionate others less. But all were callow and emotionally detached.

So why am I choosing the men that I choose? Why am I flabbergasted when at the end I feel hurt, and lost; crushed when my expectations weren’t met? And how do I know that next time I won’t repeat the pattern?

Those questions make me wonder if our past hinders us or helps us move forward. I mean, if I know what type of men I have been choosing and I know that those men are no good for me, do I now go for the opposite even if I’m not attracted to that, only to avoid repeating the same mistakes and the same men?

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