Posts tagged ‘Illusions’

November 25, 2011

Because I’m Worth It!

by bye2mrwrong

“Everyone goes their own path. Some are just beginning while others end all too soon.  The path you’re on, the choices you make, they define who you are.

Choices, they are the building blocks of our lives. They shape our past, present and future.

Every new day brings with it new choices and a whole new world of possibilities.

Recently I was told that it’s time to start anew, to walk a new path, to build a new life. To reflect on everything that happened and figure out what I’ve learned. To apologize to the people I’ve wronged for hurting them, and then to apologize to myself for hurting me. For letting myself down, for belittling myself, for believing I didn’t have any worth.

Most importantly I was told it was time to decide what changes I would like to make in myself, and then make them. But as much as the idea sounds simple at the same time it is so hard to grasp. What are the changes that I want to make? The question still overwhelms me and the only thing I can think of is how much I just want to be happy. That’s the change I want to make.

But how do I do that when I’m not even sure what has prevented me from being happy? No one is really standing in my way. No one but myself. Only my own thoughts and fears have kept me from moving forward. My own choices have prevented me from letting go of the past and the pain that comes with it. It has been my stubbornness that has kept me holding on so tightly to something that no longer exists. To a memory, of a past that once was; to that illusion of the future that never will be. To a ring that keeps me bonded to him.

So after thinking hard about this, staring at my reflection, and digging layer after layer, I’ve realized that what I want to change is the way I view myself. My worth, my value, me. I realized that when I get flattered by someone for something I’ve done, or sometimes even for just who I am, I usually say “thanks but….” Or l humbly laugh the remark away. But it’s not the humbleness that has pushed flattery aside, it’s the lack of self worth, lack of confidence in me. I never see myself as gorgeous, just pretty. I never think of myself as genius, just smart. I never believe I have unique qualities, just regular ones like any other person. I never think I’ll exceed, just succeed. I never think I’m remarkable, just average. I never think I’m better, just good. So I’ve decided what I want is respect. For myself, and from myself.

Respect that I am a terrific wife, a wonderful lover, a fantastic cook, a loving person, a caring colleague, a true friend. Respect that I am a great girl, who deserves only the best from the best. Respect that I should never lower my standards, or give in to other people’s wants if I do not value them. Respect me for me.

Because I’m worth it!

July 27, 2011

Lesson # 17: You Can Get through Anything Life Hands You if You Stay Put in the Day You Are in and Don’t Jump Ahead

by bye2mrwrong

Do not dwell on the past.
Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Often our past haunts us. Once our mind is attacked by memories, we find ourselves pulled into the “what if” zone, the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts, and the regrets of what happened or didn’t happen. When it comes to the future, what creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future, and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand.

I understand that living in the past is nothing but wallowing in old memories. The past is gone. It’s over. We cannot change what was. So it’s best to leave it behind where it belongs. That seems logical and almost easy enough.

But what I don’t quite understand is how not to think of the future. Being the control freak that I apparently am (only according to my psychologist), it’s hard not to think of the future, plan it, sometimes even to the slightest of details, and hope it comes true.

Can I really just live in today without thinking of tomorrow? I just can’t come to grips with this idea of living in the moment. Enjoy it yes, live it to its fullest definitely, not dwell on the past sure; but not think of a future, not make plans or have goals in mind hmm. I understand the whole thing about coming to terms with the fact that I cannot and do not control everything that happens around me, or even to me. But I just can’t handle not thinking of tomorrow.

Maybe I’m seeing this too black and white, and I’m forgetting to look at the shades of gray in between. But if I didn’t plan for the future, I wouldn’t have studied, I wouldn’t have married, I wouldn’t have had goals to conquer, ambitions to achieve. Maybe this formula was only meant to ascertain that we do not dwell on the unhappy moments which were or those that could have been. So that we do not look backwards with sorrow or forwards with fear.

What do you think?

April 24, 2011

The Hunt for Mr. Right

by bye2mrwrong

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I want the fairytale!”

As children we get brainwashed with fairy-tales of a happily-ever-after, believing that the princess always gets rescued by the prince. Indulged with girly fantasies, we grow up blinded by the fairy dust into assuming that we’ll know when we’ve found the “one” just by the way we got kissed. Even Hollywood spoon feeds us with dreamy impossibilities. After all, we all should know that the chance of sitting next to someone hot on a plane rarely happens. Let alone falling in love with them. Right?

With these fictitious ideas and fantasies in our minds, girls go through life believing that we cannot be alone, we weren’t meant to be. We need to be rescued by our knight in shining armor and swept off our feet into the sunset.  With foolishly romantic notions trapped not in the back of our minds but right in the forefront, it’s no wonder that we girls become hopeless romantics who need men in our lives, to validate us. To make us feel important, pretty, and complete.  After all no Barbie is complete without her Ken.

The problem with fairytales is that they set us girls up for disappointment. In real life the prince goes off with the wrong princess. And men rarely make extravagant and overly romantic gestures to profess their undying love. Yet still we obsess about these possibilities. Hoping that we are the exception and that the Cinderella story was truly told about us.

We get lost in making excuses for the men we love or even just like. We ignore warning flags; but foolishly create illusionary signs. We see what we want to see, twisting “potential partner” to “promising spouse”. We put faith in the heaven, god and the stars. We call it destiny or fate. And with these silly hopes and beliefs we begin our search, correction our hunt to find Mr. Right.

April 1, 2011

Fairytales

by bye2mrwrong

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” Charles Bukowski

For a brief moment I stopped writing. I was away on a holiday, a vacation, a fairytale. I was in love. Swept away by a prince to a far away land. Hoping that maybe this was the last frog this princess will have to kiss.

But coming back to reality, to this life, I feel out of balance as if I am about to fall and I know the crash will be hard. Everything I built, every ounce of strength I gained, every hope and dream I had has crashed down on me; and I feel myself falling back into the old patterns of depression and desperation which took control of me only a few months ago.

This house, these walls, this bed will not let me rest in peace. As soon as the darkness falls with it so does my mood and I find myself succumbing to my fears, crumbling to tears, fading away in the shadows. I sleep and wish to never be awoken. It is a safe world in my dreams. It is only there that I can escape from the harshness of reality. But before I close my eyes and let all thoughts vanish, the darkness creeps in. And from the darkness the devil comes out to tease and taunt me. To play with my feelings and stress my loneliness. The darkness shows me who I really am, the same weak and pathetic little girl I have been fighting so hard to ignore as I stare at her every day in the mirror.

I am left in the dark of night to ponder about my life that was, and of the life I wish to be in. I am left in the silence defenseless and alone to talk only to the voices in my head. The ones that criticize me for my failures. The ones that tell me that I am worthless until someone realizes the gem I am. I am left with my desperate thoughts and my gloomy memories. I am left with uncertainty and pain. I am left alone.

Yet still from within despair, I am not yet completely discouraged, for I have precious illusions in my head. And the hope that somewhere out there is a frog waiting to be kissed, waiting to turn into my knight in shining armor so he can come and rescue me.

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