Choices, they are the building blocks of our lives. They shape our past, present and future.
Every new day brings with it new choices and a whole new world of possibilities.
Recently I was told that it’s time to start anew, to walk a new path, to build a new life. To reflect on everything that happened and figure out what I’ve learned. To apologize to the people I’ve wronged for hurting them, and then to apologize to myself for hurting me. For letting myself down, for belittling myself, for believing I didn’t have any worth.
Most importantly I was told it was time to decide what changes I would like to make in myself, and then make them. But as much as the idea sounds simple at the same time it is so hard to grasp. What are the changes that I want to make? The question still overwhelms me and the only thing I can think of is how much I just want to be happy. That’s the change I want to make.
But how do I do that when I’m not even sure what has prevented me from being happy? No one is really standing in my way. No one but myself. Only my own thoughts and fears have kept me from moving forward. My own choices have prevented me from letting go of the past and the pain that comes with it. It has been my stubbornness that has kept me holding on so tightly to something that no longer exists. To a memory, of a past that once was; to that illusion of the future that never will be. To a ring that keeps me bonded to him.
So after thinking hard about this, staring at my reflection, and digging layer after layer, I’ve realized that what I want to change is the way I view myself. My worth, my value, me. I realized that when I get flattered by someone for something I’ve done, or sometimes even for just who I am, I usually say “thanks but….” Or l humbly laugh the remark away. But it’s not the humbleness that has pushed flattery aside, it’s the lack of self worth, lack of confidence in me. I never see myself as gorgeous, just pretty. I never think of myself as genius, just smart. I never believe I have unique qualities, just regular ones like any other person. I never think I’ll exceed, just succeed. I never think I’m remarkable, just average. I never think I’m better, just good. So I’ve decided what I want is respect. For myself, and from myself.
Respect that I am a terrific wife, a wonderful lover, a fantastic cook, a loving person, a caring colleague, a true friend. Respect that I am a great girl, who deserves only the best from the best. Respect that I should never lower my standards, or give in to other people’s wants if I do not value them. Respect me for me.
Because I’m worth it!