Chasing The Future, She Stumbled Into Her Past

by bye2mrwrong

“Setback we face them every day.

Some cause us to stumble;

others bring us to our knees. 

 Each setback brings with it the opportunity to rise up,

to be stronger and better and braver than before”

The date is set, it is coming upon me, and ever since I’ve been in the gloomiest of moods. The closer it gets the heavier my heart feels, and the more nervous I am. I feel stuck again. Devastated. Uninspired. I’ve checked out, and yet feel restless even in my sleep. I wonder how much of a setback this will be. How will feel? And how much will it hurt?

But where would we be without struggle, without hardship, and pain? It’s easy to forget how much these moments teach and shape us. How different we would be without them. And it seems that everyone thinks I have grown so much from this. I just wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. I wish I was doing as good as everyone believes, or as good as I pretend. Fake it till you make it, right? Well I’ve been doing it, or at least trying. I’ve been shutting off my thoughts, pushing them deeper, ignoring them, I’ve been closing the faucets in the corner of my eyes, not allowing myself to cry, or feel vulnerable or hurt. I’ve been numbing the pain. No longer talking about it, or writing it down. Hoping that ignoring it will make it go away.

I’ve been told that all it takes is just the conscious choice to be in a good place, a choice to see the positive spin on things, to see the beauty that others see. So I’ve been pretending that I’ve moved on, that I’m alright. I’ve been showing interest in new men, in a new job, in my new life. But it’s all been a lie. I still feel everything I felt before. I am still attached to the life I left behind. I still miss being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend. I still miss waking up together next to someone enfolded in his arms, I still miss cooking for two, and I still miss our regular outings, our friends, going to movies, holding hands. I miss that comfort that I had. All I really want is some comfort, and a way to calm the angry voice. All I really wish for is happiness. I’m not sure with whom but in general. I just want to find my place. To be happy again. To love and be loved in return.

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7 Comments to “Chasing The Future, She Stumbled Into Her Past”

  1. Beautifully written. I understand 100% and share each thought and word with you.

    For me I suddenly realised this week that despite feeling and yearning so much for the past I had, I saw where my brother is now (and he’s the perpetrator of his breakup) and hear how devastated my sister-in-law is that I have come a long way.

    You have too. The steps are small – but that’s fine – they’re still steps. You have faced and achieved so much.

    Gentle steps my friend.

    Together we will all reach our goals and find the happiness we seek. I know it

    • I don’t understand the connection with your brother and where he is now. And I hope your sister in law moves away from devastated into a new happiness. But we know that takes time.

  2. You so beautifully captured the pain.. how it seems to sit just below the surface and bubble up when you least expect it and how much effort it takes to keep it down and from boiling over and consuming your feelings.

    The space you’re in is profound and important, but it is also temporary. It will pass and you will be better. The only sure thing in your space is more change…

  3. Oh, I can totally understand where you are too, this path is all too familiar to me. There are just moments when you sink back into the pain, it’s normal, even if it’s not pleasant… I miss those things too.
    And I don’t know what date has been set and why you dread it, but often the expectation is worth than the reality of something painful.
    Last thing, I know people expect us to put up a front and plaster a smile on, but I don’t think it works, it isolates you in a way…
    Big hugs from across the Atlantic

  4. When you feel doubt, just think about your blog title. Mr. Right is out there–it might take time to find him … to meet him, but while you’re waiting I hope you enjoy yourself. This is the time to know yourself. You can be selfish–there is virtue in being a little selfish for the sake of healing your heart.

  5. Ditto. I hate pretending I’m ok. I’m not. He left to be with someone else. It’s like I was in a fantasy world — I was happy, truly happy. But my happiness was short-lived and a lie. I too feel discarded. I want to ask, “How could you just throw me away? Didn’t you know I loved you?” But that was me. I loved him. The pain comes from him rejecting my love, because he found someone “better.” It hurts. It sucks. And I’m not ok with becoming insignificant when he was my rock, lover, friend.

    I totally get it. I know precisely how you feel. I just wish I could move past all this pain and not look back, because he hasn’t.

  6. Been reading your blogs and can definitely relate to it….Me and my wife just got divorced…Although one part of my brain has simply stopped responding to emotions so it has made life a little easier for me, and sometimes I wonder whether I have always been a robot or have been one such since the last couple of years…but somehow stumbled upon your blog and simply look forward to it. As I write this blog, not that I have rediscovered my emotions, but there is something that brings me back to the myriad emotions that you have expressed…so well said and so true – each one of your blogs.
    All I can say from my end – this will pass. Life will get better, it has to.

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