Behind the Mask

by bye2mrwrong

Behind this mask, behind the pretty face, and that beautifully innocent smile; behind the giggles and the gentle voice, behind the pretense of confidence and self-assurance; is a vulnerable girl, damaged, broken, hurt and lonely.

A girl, who craves attention, yearns for a hug and a passionate kiss. A girl who wants to be loved and knows that she still has so much more love in her to give. A girl who wants to wake up entangled in someone else’s arms. A girl who longs for the warmth of a man, his body engulfing mine. A girl who lacks patience because she wants it all and she wants it now.

And the more I want it, the more I realize that I am alone. Alone and lonely. Feelings of loneliness ambush me especially at night. While my days may be busy and full of laughter, my nights are sleepless, endless and lonesome. On those lonely nights thoughts, uncontrollable and unwanted, invade my mind and consume me leaving me sad, mad, even enraged. Sometimes those thoughts carry on into the daylight. It can happen suddenly and it always catches me off guard. Usually it happens when I’m alone, without my mask. When I allow myself to feel. The tears well up in my eyes and I just start crying. It could be in the car while I’m driving; suddenly an old tune on the radio reminds me of him. Sometimes it’s just an old couple walking together hand in hand; the vision of them fills me with envy and remorse of that future that I so wanted and am afraid I will never have. Sometimes it’s a pregnant lady or a baby laying there so sweet and silent in their stroller, eyes twinkling with laughter looking straight at me.

I know I should learn to love myself first, before I let someone else love me. I know I should learn to enjoy myself, to be independent and on my own. Yet still I can’t help but wonder, is this life better? Can I live with this loneliness? I was happy as part of a couple. I was happy with compromising. I was satisfied in my life. Content with my comfort. I didn’t ask for much more. Why did he have to take it away from me?

I want it back, that life. Not necessarily with him. But I want the comfort. Maybe it’s that little control freak in me that just wants to know what each day will bring. No surprises, no butterflies, no highs or lows. Just an easy peaceful feeling that comes with being comfortable. With knowing the man at my side. Knowing I don’t have to impress him, but he’ll still love me. Knowing how to make him happy. Knowing he will make me smile.

I want to shed the mask, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I want to tear down the wall I built without getting hurt. I want to remove the pain that lies beneath. I want to move forward without regret of the past I once had, or the future I dreamed of.

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10 Comments to “Behind the Mask”

  1. Its like I am listening to my head……… hmmmm. :) after all we are human. Thanks for sharing the thought

  2. I feel your pain. What I miss most about not being in a relationship is a woman to sleep with. No not sex, actually sleeping with. I am very cuddly and just sleep best spooned with a woman that I care about with my arm wrapped around her and her boob cupped in my hand. I also love waking up with the woman that I care about. I always used to set the alarm 15 minutes early to cuddle and talk before we had to get out of bed and hit the ground.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  3. “They” always say to love yourself first, but sometimes it does work the other way around. Sometimes someone comes along and loves and cuddles us back to fullness. I don’t doubt that you will discover all that you seek. I feel your nighttime pain and wish I could take it away.

  4. Heartfelt post. Ambush is the perfect word to describe what happens. I spoke briefly with my ex yesterday on the phone–business. I almost cried when I heard his voice. I did cry just for a moment when I hung up the phone. Where the hell did that come from? I was ambushed right when I thought I was ambush-proof.

    My heart aches for you, bye2.

  5. Those thoughts that hit us unbidden. The moments when we’re caught off-guard. That’s when I too shout Why out into the space between me and the rest of the world.

    And yes so often in the middle of the night. I’m learning to be a ‘new me’. One without fear. But I want it all. The new me and my marriage!!!

    Yes it’s tough. And you have written from the heart and I understand completely

    Hugs

    C

  6. It is that same feeling we all want…most importantly, we all deserve… how to get it back? Be brave in your steps…own the path you really want and when you find a man worthy of the same attention you seek….give it…. take it…and make it yours.

    I love reading the description of this post since it is those same things that I crave…yet for me, I have some mental block going on here on the island that I do not have elsewhere… I’m cursed for the time-being…yet I’ve got everything I want except for the one thing I crave… know what? i’m always going to crave something…might as well be incredible love mixed with amazing intimacy…

    You are not alone…

    T.

  7. That post surely resonates. I’ve been trying to live without love, at least until my divorce is final, but I crave it deeply… the partnership, companionship, intimacy. That desire is so central to our being that it seems to affect every part of our lives. It’s pain that gets in the way. We get hurt, whether it’s growing up with our parents, kids in the schoolyard or getting stung by a partner. We get hurt and over time we learn how to protect ourselves.

    The problem is that self-protection blocks out love. Love in and of itself is the act of making yourself vulnerable. When you truly love someone, you give them your heart and soul. And all you can do is trust they will give theirs in return, the possibilty of pain is always present. For me, my heart has been so ripped apart I don’t know what another relationship would look like. I think about it, crave it, yet can’t imagine actually having one. Can’t imagine what it would be like to share a home and a life with someone. When I think about it, I have no feeling, it’s all blurry, it seems foreign.

    But as always, the friend is time….. at some point I’ll be ready to trust again, I’ll actually be able to believe that it’s worth trusting someone. Or maybe it’s it’s more that I’ll be able to give myself again. I think that’s what’s stopping me know. I can’t imagine being free and trusting with someone in that way. And until I can trust, until I can give fully and freely, i don’t think there will be no hope for any relationship that I get into.

  8. What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.

    Yes it seems hard to trust again. God knows I have become such a skeptic. And yet when it comes to love and men somehow I repeatedly melt in their arms. I love the sound of my name on their lips, I love the feel of my body entangled in theirs, I crave passion, companionship and intimacy just like you. So I tell myself to trust, and I hopelessly believe that they will not hurt me, just like I have no intention to hurt them.

    Time sure does help….but I’m starting to think its not really about time, but about the next person who will come in and take the pain away.

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