Archive for September, 2011

September 19, 2011

The Best is Yet To Come

by bye2mrwrong


My birthday turned out fine. Yes I spent the first few hours of it in victim mode, depressed, sad and lonely. I didn’t weep quietly or wipe away a tear or two; no I cried and cried, loud and messy till there was no more tears left to cry. I wallowed in misery and self-pity, walking around sorry for myself, refusing to be happy for being alive.

But my day quickly turned around and by noon there were barely any tears left. Logic had set in. Realizing how much love the universe was sending my way I wiped my nose, dried my eyes and turned my upset face into a smile. Since midnight I had received countless messages on my Facebook, numerous phone calls on Skype, some text messages on my mobile, and a few notes on my blog, all filled with many wishes from friends and family both here and abroad. And then before going out to dinner with my family, when I least expected it I received the best gift of all. A bouquet of roses, red and white, beautifully tied in a golden bow. The bouquet was from a man, but not just any man. It was from the man I least expected it from, yet most cherished. And that simple gesture from none other than my “baby” brother meant the world to me.

So yes, maybe like lesson #45 says: the best is yet to come. Maybe when one door closes it’s not a window that opens up, but rather another door, a better one. It’s just that so often we look so long and so regretfully at the door that closed that we do not see the one that opened up for us. And yes maybe it is true that in the midst of difficulty lies opportunity. The pessimist in me sees the difficulty in every opportunity; but it is the optimist in me that still searches with hope for that opportunity that lies in every difficulty. So maybe life isn’t tied with a bow (like my bouquet of flowers), but it’s still a gift. And that’s lesson #50, the last lesson of the book “Life’s Little Detours” by Regina Brett. So have I discovered all the secrets to finding and holding on to happiness? I’m not sure. But I know I will get there, because the best is yet to come.

September 12, 2011

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

by bye2mrwrong


You would cry too if it happened to you. Yes it’s my birthday and I am officially old. I know I said that last year and the year before that too. But at least back then my life seemed to be on track. I had a great job, a wonderful husband, and I was already entertaining the thought of having kids. Now it’s all just fallen to pieces. And I can’t seem to get them back into place. No amount of glue seems to be able to place those pieces where they belong and keep them together. So in the deep of the night, when I can’t fall asleep, and my thoughts haunt me, I secretly fall apart.

I HATE him. I really do. For making me vulnerable. For making me endure so much pain. For hurting me like I never knew someone could hurt. For making false promises. For feeding me lies. For wasting my time. For taking the best years of my life. For throwing them away. For making me love him, but not loving me enough.  For wanting to stay friends now that we are divorced. For asking about me and showing interest. For knowing how to manipulate me. For the greatest mind f#uck of all times. For making me feel guilty, even now. For making me feel like a victim. For taking me away from my comfort zone. For making me have to start a brand new life. For making me doubt myself. For making me so insecure. For loving her. For making me feel so unloved. For making me feel unworthy. For making me feel I wasn’t enough. For making me feel unsexy. For making me feel I will never get what I want in love, in life. For making me lose faith yet still have hope. For making me a skeptic, yet not enough to protect my heart. For making me feel I should just settle for Mr. Right now, rather than Mr. Right. For making me crave the touch of a man. For making me miss being hugged. For making me feel miserable and lonely. For the depression that attacks me especially at night. For not loving me unconditionally until death do us part. For creeping into my thoughts and somehow controlling them. For breaking me, and shattering my heart. For not being the one.

I hate him for doing this to me. Or am I doing this to myself? Maybe I hate me.

September 6, 2011

Behind the Mask

by bye2mrwrong

Behind this mask, behind the pretty face, and that beautifully innocent smile; behind the giggles and the gentle voice, behind the pretense of confidence and self-assurance; is a vulnerable girl, damaged, broken, hurt and lonely.

A girl, who craves attention, yearns for a hug and a passionate kiss. A girl who wants to be loved and knows that she still has so much more love in her to give. A girl who wants to wake up entangled in someone else’s arms. A girl who longs for the warmth of a man, his body engulfing mine. A girl who lacks patience because she wants it all and she wants it now.

And the more I want it, the more I realize that I am alone. Alone and lonely. Feelings of loneliness ambush me especially at night. While my days may be busy and full of laughter, my nights are sleepless, endless and lonesome. On those lonely nights thoughts, uncontrollable and unwanted, invade my mind and consume me leaving me sad, mad, even enraged. Sometimes those thoughts carry on into the daylight. It can happen suddenly and it always catches me off guard. Usually it happens when I’m alone, without my mask. When I allow myself to feel. The tears well up in my eyes and I just start crying. It could be in the car while I’m driving; suddenly an old tune on the radio reminds me of him. Sometimes it’s just an old couple walking together hand in hand; the vision of them fills me with envy and remorse of that future that I so wanted and am afraid I will never have. Sometimes it’s a pregnant lady or a baby laying there so sweet and silent in their stroller, eyes twinkling with laughter looking straight at me.

I know I should learn to love myself first, before I let someone else love me. I know I should learn to enjoy myself, to be independent and on my own. Yet still I can’t help but wonder, is this life better? Can I live with this loneliness? I was happy as part of a couple. I was happy with compromising. I was satisfied in my life. Content with my comfort. I didn’t ask for much more. Why did he have to take it away from me?

I want it back, that life. Not necessarily with him. But I want the comfort. Maybe it’s that little control freak in me that just wants to know what each day will bring. No surprises, no butterflies, no highs or lows. Just an easy peaceful feeling that comes with being comfortable. With knowing the man at my side. Knowing I don’t have to impress him, but he’ll still love me. Knowing how to make him happy. Knowing he will make me smile.

I want to shed the mask, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I want to tear down the wall I built without getting hurt. I want to remove the pain that lies beneath. I want to move forward without regret of the past I once had, or the future I dreamed of.

September 5, 2011

Masking the Pain

by bye2mrwrong

She wipes away her tears and puts her mask on when the phone rings, telling the person on the other end of the line that everything is fine. I will not expose myself she thinks. I will not take off my mask and show the world the true me, the one locked inside.

Most of us wake up each morning and put on a mask. We blur our imperfections with makeup and we dress for the part we aim to play. The perfect disguise to shield us. A fake smile, a false laugh. We hide our flaws, tuck in our pain, and walk tall and proud pretending. We watch others around us and envy them for their seemingly perfect life. The couple walking down the street with their fingers entangled in each other, the skinny girl with the perfect skin, the rich business man with his fat wallet. They seem to have it all…

But do they really? Are they as happy as you think? Don’t let anyone fool you, behind that tough skin, lies a soft heart that was once broken. Behind that strong shield, the pretence of aloofness and indifference lies a hurricane of emotions. Lesson # 40: If We All Threw Our Problems in a Pile and Got a Look at Everyone Else’s, We’d Fight to Get Back Our Own. “Most of us are walking around blind to the gifts that we have been given until we see the problems others have endured”. Other people’s scars are no better than our own.  We are all broken, just in different ways. We have all loved and lost, we have all felt pain, we have all endured grief. But some of us manage to hide it better than others, masking the hurt and the pain. We may not be aware that behind the strong confident business man is a scared boy with fear of abandonment. Or behind the beautiful woman with her painted face, lies a lonely girl insecure of her own body.

Don’t be fooled into thinking someone else’s life is easier than yours, or that the grass is greener on the other side. Take a second and reflect on the things you’re grateful for. Learn to appreciate what you have before times makes you appreciate what you had. Imagine yourself without it, and then you’ll see how much you still have to be grateful for.

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