Archive for November, 2010

November 28, 2010

Slutty Red Car for Cheating Husbands (Part I)

by bye2mrwrong

When I was still blind and happy with my marriage, unaware of the warning signs and red flags; I allowed myself to dream of the fairytale stories of a happily ever after. I saw myself in a dream home, with a dream car (actually two), prince charming at my side and of-course our 2 wonderful children (one boy and one girl).

Now that we were married I was already looking forward, and the next step was to buy a second car. A car that would be big and safe for those children we were going to have, a car with 5 doors so it would be easy to put them in and out of their car seats. A car that would be suitable for the family vacations I had already planned out in my mind. A family car!

(August 2008) When my husband wanted to buy himself a motorbike the previous year, I as usual didn’t have a say. It didn’t matter that I thought it was too dangerous, or inconvenient. Or that I actually didn’t see when he would have the time to ride it, or where to, considering we live in a cold and rainy country. But he made up his mind and bought the newest most expensive model, fresh off the production line. It was a black Kawasaki ZX-6R Ninja. In women terms what that means is – sexy bike, made for free-spirited bad-boys who want to show off, take risks and be wild. The bike of-course came with a whole new wardrobe of tight black leather jackets to complete the dangerous bad-boy look. I couldn’t say a word. It was HIS money, and this was the way he wanted to spend it.

(December 2009) When the following year, I decided that I wanted to have a second car for MYSELF, things were not quite as simple. The car became a negotiation game between us. I wanted a new one; he wanted it to be second-hand. I wanted a Peugeot; he would not allow for a French car, or a Japanese one, or even an American for that matter. I wanted a black or silver one (anything but red, which was the color of the first car I owned with which I had a horrible accident in and ever since felt that red was an unlucky car color for me), he wanted anything sexy – red included. I wanted a 5 door car (for the eventual kids), he didn’t seem to mind, a small two-seater sports car would have also been fine. So while the choices became smaller, the compromising (especially on my behalf) became bigger.

(January 2010) Although we searched and searched, went from dealer to dealer and browsed all cars online, we didn’t really seem to agree on anything. Not the model, the year, or the price.

It  was somewhere around this that time that I became aware that my husband had cheated, with an employee. A girl who he had brought into our home.  A girl I had hosted for New Years Eve dinner! And although he claimed that the affair was over, and we decided to try to rebuild our marriage; not knowing what our future would hold, I decided to put a hold on the car searching.

(End February 2010) One day I sat with my husband at a bar. We were having lunch and drinks; when out of the blue he brings back the car issue. “I want to get a car for MYSELF he said. I was a bit shocked;” I thought you already had a car and a motorbike” I answered. “Yes but the motorbike is inconvenient, and I found a good car for a good price” he replied.

The car apparently was his mistress’s car, and she was selling, for a discounted price! My immediate response was HELL NO. Not only was her car small, with only 2 doors and RED, it was above all things HERS!!!

I couldn’t understand why he would do this, how he could even consider it? Was he attached to the memories he had there with her? Was he trying to help her out financially? Was she black mailing him? Or could it be that he just couldn’t grasp how unbearably painful it would be for me to see her car everyday and be reminded of the affair?

What ever the case was – my answer was final. I would not have that car; I would not sit in it, or drive in it, or even be made to look at it! I didn’t care if she was giving it for free, or even paying him to take it.

(March 2010) My husband and I resumed the car searching we had started back in December. But two weeks into it, he just turned to me to say he changed his mind, and actually didn’t need a second car.

But once again something felt wrong. It was those feelings in the gut of my stomach telling me that there was something I wasn’t being told, a secret I was being kept away from. So I did what I knew best. I started spying! But when the car was no longer parked where it should be, under her flat apartment, for a couple of days in a row, I smelled something rotten. I drove around the entire city looking for it. Looking for any place I thought she might be at: shopping, work, friends, family. But there were no signs to where it may have disappeared.

That weekend it hit me, the car was no longer there because she no longer owned it. But I hadn’t seen it parked next to our house either. Could she have sold it to someone else? My mind kept telling me not to let it go, that my hunch was right and I was on to something AGAIN! Inside I had a feeling that the car was already ours and parked somewhere where I couldn’t spot it. I know it sounds drastic and unbelievable (like something from a soap opera) but the idea stuck in my head and I couldn’t get rid of it. So after searching once again all over town, Monday morning before work, I decided to drive to the car garage which always did our car maintenance. And there to my total disbelief was her car, parked exactly as I had expected it, bright shiny and red, waiting for its new owners to pick it up.

I straightened myself, looked as confident and self-assured as I could, sucked in a deep breath, walked in the office, and asked if OUR car was ready to be taken home. The mechanic who knows me and my husband for years now, looked at me and without a trace of a doubt said “sure, give me a minute I’ll get your bill and the keys for you.”

November 24, 2010

If He Cheats is it Over? Paving the Path to Disaster

by bye2mrwrong

After the initial toss of angry words and accusations; on my part, I did everything I could to try to work it out. I sat with my husband, I talked to him, and I even suggested we go to counseling. I proposed the things I thought could help us go through it, and move on. I read everything I could about infidelity and I even made my husband read some of it as well. The best article I found on the net was: How to Rebuild Your Spouse’s Trust after an Affair. For a while it was my new bible. I suggest for anyone who has gone through marital infidelity to read it – especially those of you who have done the cheating.

The steps were easy enough but no matter what I tried or how much I tried, the fact that I had caught my husband in his lie was too much for him to bear…and he unlike me was doing everything possible to pave the road to disaster instead of working on rebuilding our trust and love in each other. He was doing everything opposite and against the rules.

Here are the steps (but make sure to read the whole article, it’s worth it):

  1. Stop lying
  2. Be around
  3. Do not get defensive or assign blame
  4. Treat your spouse as if they were the center of your world
  5. Cut any and all possible ties with the other man/woman
  6. Your life must be an open book
  7. Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.
  8. Do not attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouse’s recovery should take
  9. Choose your battles wisely
  10. Be prepared to get rid of items that may serve to remind your spouse of the affair.
  11. Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems.
  12. Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your spouse.

So WHAT DID MY HUSBAND DO? He kept on LYING! He confided and continued sharing his most intimate feelings and emotions with his mistress instead of me, he made her his new soul mate, he even told her my secrets. Hell he told her how much money I had in my bank account.

Worse than that, he did what no adulterous two-timing cheater should ever do. He pointed a blaming finger in my direction. Actually, he blamed everyone but himself (or her), for the whole thing. He even blamed my family, who by the way live oversees. It was my fault that he was unhappy, it was me who caused him to run to the arms of another. He was practically saying that I had put a gun to his head and forced him to cheat.

He kept seeing her behind my back; he became more and more secretive putting codes and passwords on his phone and computer, and refused to go to relationship therapy. He demanded that I calm down and get over it claiming it was a thing of the past. And to top it all off, not only did he NOT get rid of those things that made me think of her but he even BOUGHT HER CAR from her (more on that in my next blog).

Slowly but surely my husband went into withdrawal, closing the door on his relationship with me and paving the road to disaster. So the article may have not helped him in a way, but it helped me. It put things into perspective, and helped me understand what should and should not happen. It showed me that he was not trying to work on this relationship like he should be. Still I believe that this article, which comes with tips and warnings, is useful for anyone who truly wants to work on their marriage. Good luck!

November 23, 2010

A Love-Hate Relationship…

by bye2mrwrong

The gift I received from my husband as a “reward” for not noticing that he was having an affair, was not the usual one. He didn’t bring me flowers, or perfumes, or even chocolates. He didn’t shower me with extra love, or kisses. No, that would have been a dead giveaway. I would have noticed off the bat that something was wrong.

My husband NEVER gave me flowers – he hated flowers. It didn’t matter that I love them. It mattered more that he hated them, and therefore had no wish to have them around the house. In the 10 years together, the only time I got flowers from him was the day he proposed. I would have thought the engagement ring was enough, but my husband seemed to have his priorities all wrong.

Perfumes are on the other hand something he loved, and he loved even more to pamper HIMSELF with new perfumes. For every perfume bottle I have in my closet he has three. His smells needed to be stronger, sweeter and better then mine, so that people would remember his scent. Not that he never bought me perfumes. I got perfumes on birthdays, Christmases and valentines days. But it would have been strange to get them on just a regular Monday.

Chocolates as much as I love them were something that was not really allowed in the house. My husband was keeping me on a strict diet. Always watching what I ate, and how much. Sweets were definitely not something he wanted me to have more of on a regular basis.

As for showers of kisses and hugs…well that’s just not typical for a macho man, is it? Affection was not a common word in my husband’s vocabulary. Yes we would cuddle on the couch when watching a movie, or hug in bed before sleeping. But after 5 minutes I would usually hear something like, “it’s too warm can you move to the other side”, or “don’t be so close, I can’t breathe”.

So I didn’t get any of those gifts. He was smart enough to know that a change in his behavior would raise suspicion. So he acted completely normal. or Almost…

No, my husband decided to purchase something for me that I had been wanting for about 10 years. Something that I had been begging for since the day I felt comfortable enough to call his house my home. But as much as I pleaded I would always hear the same excuses over and over again: “The house is too small”, or “it’s not allowed in the apartment building” or “we’ll get it in the new house”.

When he finally decided to get it, it was a big secret. Everyone was in on it but me. He asked me to leave the house for 2 days so that he could do everything that was needed for this surprise. Already at this point I wasn’t too happy about the idea. Why did he need two days? What was he planning to do in the house? If it was something major, why didn’t I get a vote on this decision?

My mind started racing…was he painting the house? Redecorating? Buying new furniture? That all sounds nice but I thought we wanted to move to a bigger house, so why spend money on this one?! Was he finally changing his hobby room to baby room? That sounds wonderful, but don’t I get a say on how this room should look like? And don’t we have to start working on making a baby first? Did he buy a dining table? I’ve been dying to have one, and was getting quite sick of sitting on the floor to have dinner, but would that take two days to arrange?

Whatever my mind came up with, nothing seemed logical, and no answer made me happy. Even if it was a great idea, I was already disappointed that I didn’t get to have a say, be part of the decision, be the equal partner. I was worried and anxious, and already a bit negative about the whole thing. But his parents seemed thrilled at the idea, and kept calming me down, even though I explained how I felt and why.

Finally the two days were over and I got a phone call to come back home after work. I was hesitant to walk into the house, not sure what to expect. And even more nervous and confused since his parents told me they didn’t want to be there when I walked in “too personal” they said, but his best friend was invited to join and see my reaction.

As I walked in I saw it, right in front of me. The whole house had been changed in order to accommodate the large PIANO in our small living room. I should have been happy. Maybe even ecstatic. But I wasn’t. In my mind there was only one question floating around: WHY? Why now? Why in this house? Why did I need to beg for so long? Why did it need to be a surprise?

The answer to my question came two days later, when I found out of his affair. It was simple; this was his present to satisfy not me, but his own guilty conscience. He was trying to make up for his long period of infidelity by giving me an expensive offering. Needless to say I now have a piano with which I have a love-hate relationship. I love to play it, but hate the reason behind why it was bought. I can go for days without touching the damn thing, because I know that had he not cheated, I may have not had a piano, but I would have had him!

November 22, 2010

Getting Caught!

by bye2mrwrong

Why do men always think that they will get away with cheating?
Do they think we’re stupid? or just blind?
Or do they just expect that flowers and gifts will cover it all up?

When it hit me that my husband was having an affair my body started shivering all over. I screamed, I yelled, I fell to the ground, I cried. I was in pain; I was angry, upset, disgusted, and devastated. I had never had so many emotions all in once. It was unbearable.

A few hours passed by before my husband came back home….and there it was the moment of truth. But as I sat there, ready to approach him, I amazed myself. Because the only thing I wanted was not to yell at him, or hit him, or even bite his head off. I just wanted to hold him and for him to hold me. I wanted him to tell me how much he loved me and no one else, to tell me that it was just a stupid mistake. After all everyone makes mistakes. I wanted for us to work it out. So much so, that against my better judgment and my usually  unforgiving nature, I was willing to forgive, to let bygones be bygones, to find a way to repair and move on. This was the love of my life…and I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. I wasn’t ready to let him go.

Unfortunately it wasn’t about what I wanted, and life wasn’t just going to hand anything to me on a silver platter. My husband’s first reaction to this “insane” accusation of mine was denial. Still I wasn’t willing to back down. I gave him a second chance to redeem himself and tell the truth; but once again he shook his head and contested to my “absurd” allegations. After the third time, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a liar and that I knew it. I had found out everything there was to know, I had the proof in my hands and there was no sweeping it under the rug.

He was stunned, flabbergasted. In retrospect I guess he just couldn’t think of any excuses on the spot. And so he gave in and confessed. But not even two minutes passed by and his mood suddenly changed into that of anger. How dare I have snooped in his personal stuff? How dare I betray his trust like that? I was the crazy, jealous wife, who was going through his things, spying on him. And this was something he could not forgive me for. He needed to show me that I was in the wrong and put me back in my place. This was of-course what I would later realize to be the beginning of the end.

But at that moment in time,under all the anger and disappointment I knew that what he was really feeling was shock and dread. He had underestimated me, misjudged my intelligence, and now had to deal with the grief, torture and aggravation of having been caught.

November 22, 2010

Is He Cheating On You? Trust Your Intuition!

by bye2mrwrong

When I first found out my husband cheated on me, I was outraged, I was fuming. I had not seen this coming – not in a million years. My husband? The one who said he would always talk to me if anything was wrong? The one who had been cheated on in his previous relationship, and told me how it crushed him? It couldn’t be true. I couldn’t believe it. But there it was staring me straight in the face, proof beyond any reasonable doubt. My husband was having an affair!

I was alone at home when I found out, snooping on his computer, after months of trying to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. I was just being paranoid, just being stupidly jealous for no reason. The girl I suspected him of having an affair with was just an employee, just a NEW employee which was SMSing my husband 10 times a day, morning and night. It was normal, right??? She had questions about the new job. She needed him to guide her. To mentor her. But who was I kidding? It wasn’t normal. In the 10 years I’ve known him he never SMS’d so much, not even with his best friend.

I’ve always been 100% trusting, never snooped; I never even opened his mail, or answered his phone. I respected his privacy. But now I could tell that something was not quite right. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. But I had this crazy hunch, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I could no longer ignore. Call it an instinct, intuition, or a woman’s sixth sense. What ever it was I couldn’t push it away any longer, I just had to find out.

So one Sunday afternoon, when he was out, I decided to stop tormenting myself with the thoughts and the suspicion. I decided it was time to act. I knew what I was doing was morally wrong. I was about to spy on my husband, invade his privacy. But I had no choice. I just had to do this, to quiet my nerves. So I logged on his computer and searched.

To my surprise, I didn’t even need to look too far, or too long. There it was in his e-mail folder, a file with her name. Adrenaline rushing through  my body,  I clicked on the folder only to unravel 100’s of e-mails he had received from her in the past month. Some with pictures, some just dirty text, some love poems, and some saved chats. I was sick with disgust.  The evidence was unbelievable. It confirmed the thing I was dreading the most. My husband was cheating on me!

So what’s my moral for today? If you’re feeling suspicious…you probably have been given a reason to feel that way. In general your gut has a way of being incredibly accurate. Your body is warning you, trying to keep you safe. So ladies and men if in doubt don’t turn a blind eye – trust your intuition!

November 20, 2010

Divorce Statistics – Was it Doomed to Fail?

by bye2mrwrong

Thinking about it now, I never really had a chance. On average, statistics show that approximately 40% of marriages end up in a divorce. And even worse 50-60% of newly weds divorce within the first five years of their marriage. That’s more than one out of three marriages doomed to fail. I am one of those statistics!

What’s worse is finding out that the likelihood of failure increases with certain factors such as having:

Divorced parents – Yes he does
Mixed religions – Yes we did
Lower education – Yes he does
No children – None that I’m aware of
Infidelity – Yes he did  – and that’s the one that just pushed the total off the edge and raised our likelihood of failure to 100%.

So had I just done my math a bit earlier I would have already foreseen the results, turned around and fled while I still had some sense in me.  But no one ever thinks  “this is going to happen to me!”. We stand at the altar and say “till death do us part” – not “till divorce do us part”!

So how do we know when we’ve found Mr. Right? Or if were heading for disaster with Mr. wrong? Is there some formula to getting it right? I don’t know about you but the least I can say is that I’ve learned a lot from this relationship. I learned  exactly what I DO and even more so what I do NOT want in my man. And I’ve made a list, so hopefully next time around I might just get it right. He should be educated, from a good family, he needs to have the same values and beliefs as me, a desire to have children, should be romantic, shouldn’t have a background of cheating….and the list goes on and on and on.

But am I being too demanding?
Do I compromise on my new set standards?
Where do I draw the line?

November 20, 2010

Hello World!

by bye2mrwrong

This is my blog and today I am coming out. No I’m not gay. I am super straight and totally in love with men. But today I am coming out with the truth.

I am getting DIVORCED! YES the marriage I had, the way of life I thought I had designed for me, the plans and dreams have all crumbled. And even I, a strong believer in love, and in marriage – could not make it work.

So its time to fess up and tell the truth. Why have I been hiding it for so long. What am I ashamed of. After all I did nothing wrong, except for letting myself be fooled. Except for trusting blindly with all my heart, and loving unconditionally.

I allowed myself to define who I am based on a man. But today I become a free woman. Free of this life. Free of these thoughts. Free to tell the truth and be me.

My divorce is tough. Not that there are any easy divorces, are there?! Let me briefly explain. I’m in a different country to my own, away from my family and friends, I lost my job… oh and did I mention my husband’s mistress is still in the picture?

So after months of tears, anger, and depression I’ve decided to create this safe space where I can share, and mostly complain (about my husband, his mistress, or even my lawyer who is taking his time and my money) without being judged. From this day forward this will be my place to vent, cry, laugh, yell and comfortably let out my feelings.

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